it's not a joke to me

i dont get it. why do you have to say things like that all the time? everyday, dropping me off at school, you always have to say at least one of the following:

- come home right after school
- dont hang out with boys
- get 100%
- you have to beat everyone else
- make sure you ace that test
- do you know how hard it is to get into waterloo?
- waterloo wants really smart kids
- you better study hard if you want to get into waterloo
- doesn't the teacher care if you're late?
- stop hanging out with people after school
- if you dont do this im giving your dog away
- when you come home, im going to yell at you

and then, of course... when im about to get out of the car, you just have to say
- i love you

as i slam the door shut......and i wonder to myself when i'll be able to say it back...
then i have to try and keep myself together while i run across the field to get to school on time, and not think about anything you said to me during the last 20 seconds of the car ride.


and then......at dinner time, you have to say at least one of the following:

- did you beat everyone on that test?
- why aren't you getting a 90 average?
- are you interested in being a doctor?
- are you tired?
- you should have slept earlier
- why do you look so tired?
- pack your own lunch in the mornings
- do you exercise?
- you need to exercise
- you're fat
- you've gotten skinner
- so, you want to be a doctor right?
- or some mean joke that you think is funny

i cant get away without causing trouble..... i have to sit there and just ignore you talking.... when i've already told you so many times that i want to be an engineer and i thought that was enough for an asian family. i thought that being an engineer would make you happy... and since it's what i want, i thought that it would make you happy...but you keep suggesting otherwise. and why do you have to comment on my "fat"? some days you feel like calling me skinny or fat or whatever, and then you go and tell me to exercise when you dont even know that i exercise everytime you leave the house, when you're not around because i dont want to hear you talk to me about exercising. what do you know about staying fit? you're always eating the unhealthiest foods, and you barely do any exercise yourself. why are you telling me to do things that i'm already doing? do you want me to be insecure and self-conscious? because im not. just because i choose not to let that affect me doesnt mean you can keep trying to force your ideas on me. stop it. i don't appreciate this. ugh. and you dont listen. ever.

you want to know why we arent as close and loving as you want us to seem?
because you dont put in the effort to care. you say that you love me, but there's no proof. the truth is, you're human. and humans are selfish and lazy. loving someone takes effort, and consideration. you think that just by saying that you love me means anything? maybe i'm being too harsh, maybe i'm overlooking the good and just focusing on the bad. but you dont understand me, and you dont even bother listening to me when i try to explain why i'm feeling the way i do.

take today for example, we went out for dimsum after my math exam. i thought it was going to be great, spending a lunch with my parents, relaxing after the exam and stuff..... but then you bought a newspaper and then you both took the newspaper and read it.. while i just sat there twiddling my thumbs, waiting for food to come........ i know i dont talk a lot.. and i like to just enjoy one's company without having to speak.. but you dont have to act like i'm not there... and when i try to tell you about my exam or how my day was and stuff all you do is continue reading...... as if im not speaking.. and when you realize that yes, i am speaking to you, you barely listen to the words i'm saying, and just continue reading while going mmm  (at the wrong times) and when i ask you a question i dont get a response because you were only pretending to pay attention.  then the food comes and i just eat and still nooone speaks to me. and i'm just eating.... so im fine. and then you ask me if im tired and i say no. so we just eat and little conversation happens.. and then out of the blue you tell me to go home and sleep. and then i got a bit worked up and upset because i already told you that i wasn't tired. and you get all angry that i'm upset. and then im trying to explain myself to you and you just tell me not to express myself that way and you tell me to calm down because you dont want everyone else in the restaurant staring and thinking that we're crazy. well i dont care what other people think of us. i dont care about "face" and reputation. i dont give a damn. i just want you to listen to me and actually love me. you want to know why i get worked up so easily over the things you say? it's because i want so badly the same things you do - a happy healthy relationship with you..but all you do is push me away and put in the minimal effort yu think will be enough. i've tried so hard to be patient with you all this time. maybe thats why you dont understand why i got worked up today. maybe i've been hiding it too well. honestly, sometimes i just filter out the mean things you say, and i force myself to believe that you didnt mean it personally, and of course you love me and you would never mean to hurt me like that. but sometimes i feel like i'm only fooling myself.

so tell me, what do you want me to do? put in the effort for you?i've already told you that some things you say are hurtful, and you just keep repeating them. you laugh like i'm joking. it's not a joke. i am not laughing. why are you laughing? do you think it's funny that we're not the family you want us to be? sometimes i laugh like i'm crazy too. but i laugh because of how stupid this situation is, and i laugh because i dont want to cry. ugh just when i was feeling like it might not be so bad if i stayed and went to ryerson instead of going off away from home next year, you just have to go ahead and make things worse, and remind me of all the reasons why i want to leave. and stay away from you. please, give me a reason to keep loving you.