conscious or not

i'm not sure how long i should wait around until i stop trying.
not that i have anything else to do.

but i think they'll always be a place for you,
even after i stop or give up.

if you ever decide to let me in,
i'll always be subconsciously open,

i don't care if it'll be awkward,
just know that i'll be there.

unless i'm dead.
which might actually not be too bad,
because i'll see you from up there
and watch over you anyway.

then i don't have to worry about you.

take it all

gaaaah

tired, frustrated, confused, angry.

stop shutting people out.

and then show signs that you care about them. 

or pretend to. ( i don't really know)

if you're feeling insecure that you're not worth it,

think about if they deserve what you're putting them through.

so just accept the fact that there are people who care

and stop pitying yourself and acting like no one cares.

if you're scared they'll hurt you,

i can't say they won't,

but if you don't give them a chance then you will never know.

and all you'll be doing is hurting people,

which is pretty selfish cauz you'd just be giving them what you were avoiding.

so take the chance now, while you still have them,

too late and they might just stop trying.

Clear Walls

i don't get it.  is there something that i'm not doing, that's making me like this? i always feel so isolated. so on the outside of everything. it's like im in the same place, but there's a clear wall that's separating us. me and you. me and the world. me and everyone around me. i can see everything, hear everything that goes on around me, but i am not a part of it. as much as i try to break these clear walls, it seems like i can only scratch at the surface, and leave faint marks as proof that i was not imagining it. 

odd dreams...

here are short descriptions of what my dreams have been like lately:

- snowboarding on mashed potatoes

- talking to old friends

- hiding during a hurricane

- travelling around the world

- escaping from creepers...


don't remember the rest. usually the strangest ones stick with me for a longer period of time. interesting how some dreams repeat themselves.. or the "dream world" is the same. like.. when i go into a certain person's house or something like that, even if the surroundings are different, the inside of the building is always the same. it always feels familiar to me, as if i've been there before in real life.so strange. 

Programming

/*programming blog entry # 1 -  I Don't Get This */

#include <iostream>
int main () {
std::cout << " So i'm trying to learn C++ programming." << std::endl;
std::cout << " I don't get it. there's some stuff that makes sense, like inputs, outputs," << std::endl;
std::cout << " getting stuff like sentences or numbers to show up on a screen," << std::endl;
std::cout << " but then the next level stuff.. what is going on?" << std::endl;
std::cout << " maybe it's because I'm going too quickly? trying to finish" << std::endl;
std::cout << " learning the basics before school starts." << std::endl;
std::cout << " so many different concepts to learn, but i find it difficult" << std::endl;
std::cout << " to learn and retain information for later use if" << std::endl;
std::cout << " i don't know what it's used for when i learn the concept." << std::endl;
std::cout << " this isn't good. i need to figure out how i can help myself to" <<std::endl;
std::cout << " learn in different ways; profs in uni aren't going to stop and try to help me" << std::endl;
std::cout << " learn just because the way i learn isn't how they teach. blahh." << std::endl;
std::cout << " i just hope that by practising and using C++ enough that i'll be able to" << std::endl;
std::cout << " get the hang of it and hopefully i can store the concepts in my brain now," << std::endl;
std::cout << " and hold off long enough to find out what they're used for." << std::endl;
std::cout << " anyway, my dad says he'll help me understand programming. except.." <<std::endl;
std::cout << " it's been probably and possibly 10 + years since he's last done it.. and" << std::endl;
std::cout << " im willing to bet that a lot of things have changed since then. haha" <<std::endl;
std::cout << " but it's a nice gesture nevertheless! " << std::endl;
std::cin.get ();
//end of entry #1
return 0;
}