Arms Wide Open

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2ZCIp0HiRo&feature=related

“What does love look like?” is the question I’ve been pondering
“What does love look like?”
“What does love look like?” is the question I’ve been asking of You

I once believed that love was romance, just a chance
I even thought that love was for the lucky and the beautiful
I once believed that love was a momentary bliss
But love is more than this
All You ever wanted was my attention
All You ever wanted was love from me
All You ever wanted was my affections, to sit here at Your feet
Then tell me

“What does love look like?” is the question I’ve been pondering
“What does love look like?”

Then I sat down, a little frustrated and confused
If all of life comes down to love
Then love has to be more than sentiment
More than selfishness and selfish gain

And then I saw Him there, hanging on a tree, looking at me
I saw Him there, hanging on a tree, looking at me
He was looking at me, looking at Him, staring through me
I could not escape those beautiful eyes
And I began to weep and weep

He had arms wide open, a heart exposed
Arms wide open; He was bleeding, bleeding

Love’s definition, love’s definition was looking at me
Looking at Him, hanging on a tree
I began to weep and weep and weep and weep

This is how I know what love is, this is how I know what love is

And as I sat there weeping, crying
Those beautiful eyes, full of desire and love
He said to me:

“You shall love Me, You shall love Me
You shall love Me, You shall love Me”

With arms wide open, a heart exposed
With arms wide open, bleeding, sometimes bleeding

If anybody’s looking for love in all the wrong places
If you’ve been searching for love, come to Me, come to Me
Take up your cross, deny yourself
Forget your father’s house and run, run with Me
You were made for abandonment, wholeheartedness
You were made for someone greater, someone bigger, so follow Me
And You’ll come alive when you learn to die

- Misty Edwards

Waiting Upon the Lord

http://youtu.be/aZ3w2KZx3FM - Let it Rain , by Jesus Culture

Being away from my laptop for so long, it feels so good to finally hear some music and calm my spirit. To just listen to the words and soak it all in. The goodness of the Lord, the love He has shown me.

Sometimes I feel like my journey of faith could be a movie, or a TV series, and each episode is an experience with God that even the episodes of One Piece can not compare to. I wish I could record it somewhere, and watch playbacks during the year, to reflect on my life and see from an outside perspective, how things actually played out.

I am in a co-op program, and at my school, I am supposed to alternate between school and work every term.  This means that I am on co-op this winter term. Throughout the whole job searching process with the school during the fall term, I was very successful in getting interviews, despite the fact that I have no experience what so ever, and basically know nothing. The issue was that I wasn't getting any offers that followed the interviews. I did not know what I was doing wrong in the interviews, and had no idea why no one wanted to hire me. I prayed to the Lord, asking Him to help me, telling Him that I would take any offer that was given to me, and saying that I would wait until He has the perfect job for me. So the term ended, and I came home, still without a placement for the winter term. Although I felt very discouraged and uncertain about God's timing, I still continued applying to the few job postings that came up and even looked at other job search engines and talked to everyone I knew who might be able to help me out.

The holidays kept me distracted for a bit, being busy with the festivities and all. But soon they ended, and the new term began. It hit me even harder, that I might just be doing nothing all term. Useless. Hopeless. Bum of the year. Then I spoke to my mentor and she pulled me out of whatever nasty state I was in. She made me realize that all along I hadn't been trying my hardest during the interviews, making the most out of the opportunities I had, wasting the time of employers and stealing away chances from other possible candidates. I had been a selfish and lazy bum, expecting to have opportunities thrown at me, and basically - I was on two extremes. On one hand, I believed that I didn't have to prepare so much for an interview, because I thought too highly of myself, but I also believed that I had no chance, because I knew nothing and wasn't capable. I don't know how one can believe these two obviously contradictory statements at one moment in time, but I guess I somehow did. I lived on these two extremities, and they brought me nowhere. My mentor made it clear to me that it was not my choice, whether or not I would get the job - but solely that of the employer. It was not my decision to make, whether or not I was qualified for the position, and if I couldn't even show that I had confidence in myself then I am basically disqualifying myself. And who's to say that I am incapable? God  made me, gave me gifts and talents, and the ability to learn. God doesn't make you do anything that you're not capable of. So if God decides that I am capable and I am qualified and gives me the job, then He will equip me.

A lot to digest, I know. But it gets better. I got a phone interview with a company that I found outside of the school's system. I waited and waited for their response. Then I found out that I didn't get the position. I started planning out what I would do to occupy myself during the term and improve my skill inventory to make myself a better candidate for my next co-op term. I played a lot of piano. I got a lot of rest. I met and caught up with a lot of people. Then my dog got sick. She puked and defecated in the house early in the mornings, so my sister and I would have to get up early to clean up the mess and then go back to sleep. This kept happening throughout the week, and worried, we took her (the dog) to see the vet yesterday. My sister and I got the medication and instructions on how to take care of the dog, and I gave her a shower when we got home as well. Then I got to see some friends that I haven't seen in ages, and it was so good to see them. I checked my email at the end of the day (this was still yesterday) and I found that I had gotten a job offer.

I waited months. I waited anxiously, losing a bit of hope as time went by, wondering what I was going to do with myself, without a job. And then God gave me this opportunity and showed me that His timing is always best. If I had found a job earlier then I wouldn't have been able to have those extra few days to truly rest, catch up with friends, and take care of the dog with my sister. I wouldn't have had that conversation with my mentor and realized how wrong I was seeing things and approaching things the way I was. My attitude toward a lot of things would have stayed rotten.

God is the master of all time. There is no question about it. God's timing is inevitable, and what I mean by this is that nothing will happen if He doesn't allow it to, and it won't happen until He says it does. I am constantly being confronted with something God has for me to change, or to learn. There is always something new for me to learn about Him, something more, and it seems like God's reward for me having learnt something is my realization of just how much He loves me and get this - I can't measure how much God loves me; I don't know! It's more than I can imagine, more than I can count, more than I can express in words. Every time I feel God's presence and have a personal moment with God I am overwhelmed with tears of joy.

God moves so powerfully that you just have to bow your knees and watch Him love. I don't know why He would love someone like me, but I am so glad that He does.

To the New Year and Beyond...

So it's been a long while since I've last posted! Here are a list of excuses...

- been lazy

- been bummed out

- didn't feel like posting

- lost my laptop

- slipped my mind...~

anyway..

So I am back at home now, and have been home since I completed my last exam. The holidays were very packed with activities and festivities, just like my stomach has been fully packed with food and yummiliscious things. 

The new year always seems like such a big deal, a new beginning, a fresh start, some would say. I don't really think so. You might want to call me pessimistic, but I feel the more accurate term would be realistic - let me explain. It's true, a new school term for university and college students start in January, and it is a "new year'. But does it really mean that all the things of the past are now washed away and your "slate is wiped clean"? All the mistakes of 2011 and all the regrets that came with them... do they no longer affect you after the clock strikes midnight? Is it like some sort of magic spell that suddenly makes everyone automatically forgive others of all the hurt they have caused? Do you suddenly see a new light and have hope for change? Perhaps!

For me, new years is just another day in my life. A cornerstone at most, to mark that I have made it alive another year. Oh wait - that's what my birthday is for. Maybe a milestone then, (which is pretty much the same thing) to mark that I have made it to 2012... another January. I don't know. Honestly, maybe I'm just a downer. I don't like cheering (unless I personally know the people I'm cheering for & care about whatever they're doing) and counting down to a new year just doesn't seem exciting enough for me to bother getting all hyped up about. 

New years is a very popular time for people to make goals that they want to achieve throughout the year - so before the new year of 2013. See - "new" doesn't last! How long can you say that something is new for? Until it becomes old? Ha. Getting back on track... These goals, typically called "new years resolutions" are made, in hopes that by the time the next "new year" comes along, that goal will have been achieved. The problem with me and new years resolutions is that they are almost never achieved. Perhaps this is because my goals are too unrealistic, or I am too demanding, or perhaps I just don't really care to achieve those goals, but I made them just because it seemed like a cool resolution to have. Maybe I gave up early. Maybe it just wasn't important enough for me to actually try. I looked back at my resolutions I made in 2011.. and I have successfully completed two out of the fourteen I made. Fourteen. I'm telling you - I was crazy back then. I still am. So what are my new goals for the year? No. Scratch that. I can't handle more than one goal. It's just not realistic.

I will be bold in the Lord, trusting in Him and not be afraid to do what is right for me, and for those around me.

Sounds like a big thing. This isn't the kind of goal that can ever be "completed", but this is definitely something that can be measured, in such a way that when the new year of 2013 comes along, I can look back on 2012 and say that I have grown. 

A renewal of these verses... a fresh perspective of what they mean to me

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. - Romans 12:2 


Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. - Joshua 1:9

be bold in the Lord - not caring about how others will see me, being someone who can be trusted to do what she says she will do, not being afraid to follow God