Hope is Not Enough

Sometimes it's easy to overlook the injustice that happens in the world when you only hear about it, and it doesn't happen to you. Sometimes injustice is easy to ignore. We walk past homeless people every day. Sometimes, it is not so hard to ignore. Take the Ottawa shooting for example. My office was in lock-down and it was not so easy to ignore the fact that somebody was roaming around just a few blocks away from me with a gun and the intention to kill.

But why is there injustice, and how do we know if something is unjust? 

It seems to be that most humans have similar ideas of what is right and wrong (in general). For example, we know that it is wrong to steal, kill, cheat, and hurt other people. We also know that it is right to give money in exchange for goods and services. But how do we know this? Where did the idea of morals come from?

Perhaps one way to look at this is to first figure out why we are here. What is the purpose of the human being? 

Some people believe that humans came into existence due to the fact that certain parameters happened to be in the right place at the right time. Through survival and evolution, we became the creatures we are today. However, this would mean that there is no purpose for our life, and we are here because we just are. That still doesn't explain justice - is it a survival mechanism? How does "survival of the fittest" play in if we help people who are hurt? Maybe the people doing the hurting are just trying to stay on top of the game and be the one who "wins" the game of life. Why do we have morals? Did we develop them so that the ones we love will be able to survive even if they are not the fittest? If we came from nowhere and have no purpose, then life has no purpose, and neither does death. Justice is therefore irrelevant, and love is just for selfish gain and procreation. 

Other people believe that humans came into existence at the will of a creator. Somebody wanted humans to exist, so they made humans. The purpose would be as simple as the fact that someone wanted us here, or there may be something more complicated involving that person wanting us here. Then through survival and evolution, we have adapted to the world we live in and became who we are now. Injustice still occurs (for numerous reasons), but it is different this time because somebody made us so that we can recognize injustice. Why? Why would a creator give us ideas of what justice looks like? Well if I made something, then I probably care about it and want good things for it. In the same way, it is likely that the creator of human beings cares about us and wants us to know that there is right and wrong way to treat other humans. 

But there is so much injustice going on, and it seems like we can't stop it. So people hope for change. People hope for justice. Hope is defined by dictionary.com as being, "the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best", or as a verb, "to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence". 

In both of these definitions, it is implied that there is a high likelihood for whatever you hope for to happen. Over the centuries we have tried to bring justices ourselves, but still there are wrongdoings happening in the world - it seems like the best we can do is to stop a situation from getting worse. In the scenario where humans have no purpose, justice for all will never happen because nothing exists that can bring justice. Hope only has meaning when someone who can do something to bring an end to all injustice exists. In the case where people were created for a purpose, then hope can logically exist because a creator that cares will do something if its creation is suffering. 

So is there hope? In our society of believing what is "true for you" then the answer is maybe. 

As for me, I choose to believe in the second scenario where there is hope and a creator that can fulfill my hope for justice. However, I also believe that justice is not necessarily beneficial to everyone. This is because justice means that every wrong thing I have ever done will come to light and I will be judged for it - and everyone has done something wrong. We will have no choice but to agree that we are guilty and receive our punishment. So why hope for justice if all will be punished? 

If we were created for a purpose and the creator cares about us, it is logical that our creator would not want to punish us, and would find a way to save us from punishment without being unjust. So the creator punished Jesus (who did no wrong) in our place so that justice is still observed, and we can be saved by accepting that he died on our behalf. This is why I hope for justice, and with it, accept that somebody loves me enough to die for all the wrong things I have done. 

The Epiphany

Some questions I have always dreaded from peers are, "What do you do at church? Why are you Christian? Why do you believe in God?". This may be surprising to you if you know me, but it is the truth. Although I know that there is a God that exists and that I believe in him, there's just something scary about announcing it or talking about it to people. Perhaps it is the fear that they will judge me. I am afraid that they will see me in a different light - one where they think I am trying to convert them and then they question my motives for being their friend. Essentially, I am afraid of people being afraid of me.

Ever since I left my hometown for university, I have not been part of a small group at church. I have joined the campus fellowship but they are not directly connected to a local church. I would still go to church, but it is such a huge church that I feel that I can get away with just being an attendee and receive. I would not participate in any other programs or groups aside from the Sunday service, and my excuse would be that I don't have a ride. The church is far and in the middle of nowhereish. It is very difficult to bus to and even then, there is quite a way's walk to the nearest bus stop.

So come Ottawa. I followed my sister's friend to another church. I was happy to just be an attendee again and just go there for Sunday service. However, since I wasn't a student and I didn't live close to any of the campuses, I wasn't able to join a campus fellowship. So here I was, stuck without a Christian community - one that I was so used to having. The thing with having a Christian community is that you're just that - a community. You have friends, and all your social needs can be met. Everyone goes to church and understands Christian jargon, so there is no need to feel afraid of judgement. I made a point to live with Christians when I was in university, so there was never anything to explain.

Now in Ottawa, I live with two non-Christians. One of them just came from Iran and I would say that she is probably agnostic, but with some Muslim influence as that is a big part of her culture. The other person I live with had a bad experience growing up in a strict Christian home, where everything was about rules. She told me that she absolutely hated it and resented her family for forcing her to live a certain way.

I didn't mind going to this new church on my own every week. My sister's friend was there, but I didn't want to be in the way of her friendship and make things awkward for her, so I was fine just doing my own thing. However, perhaps she felt obliged to help me out for my sister, and so she welcomed me to join her and her friends to hang out after church and went shopping and got food with me. So that was nice. Her friends encouraged me to go to Grouplink - an event to introduce new people to existing small groups. At first, I was very hesitant. Yes, I wanted to find a community and be able to share and encourage other people, but I wasn't sure if this was the way to do it. I was never really a big fan of being part of a large church as I thought that it was difficult to get to know people anyway. But I went anyway.

It's pretty smart how they organized it. They asked for your address, and then they had a giant map of Ottawa divided in to colour coded chunks. They would find the colour of the chunk where your address was, and from there, you could meet the people who were leading the small groups and choose one that you wanted to join. The beauty of this is that the people in that group would be in your area, so going to small group wouldn't be a problem since everyone is so close. Anyway, I signed up and today was the first one.

Wow. I didn't expect the background to take this long. So basically before I left, one of my housemates came home and was asking me if I was going swimming, as I was packing up. I told her no, and that I was going to small group. She didn't know what that was, so I explained that it was a group of people from big church getting to know each other better. I told her we were doing a study called Love Does, and that I'm not really too sure what we would do but I was going to go find out! She was gave a very open response, and said, "Good for you!". I guess she meant that it was good I was trying new things. So that was that.

I went to the small group and we talked about being with someone, just like how God is with us (Emmanuel). We talked about how sometimes we have friends who are going through rough times and perhaps are about to make or have made a horrible decision. It is hard as a friend to not scold them or try to "fix" them. Sometimes all they need is for you to be there to go through it with them. Really - that's it. It's not about converting people to Christianity and getting all "the Bible says" about something. It's about understanding that people need to go through certain situations to learn things for themselves and there's nothing you can say to them that will make them believe you until they experience it for themselves.

That is exactly what faith is like. It is not something you can force on anyone. It is not something you can tell your friend and then they suddenly decide to believe you and in God. That would probably not be genuine faith. Faith is something every individual has to discover and experience first hand. What Christians can do is to be there for them - to make resources available to them and to live life with them! I used to be afraid of evangelism (telling people that they are saved through Jesus) because I didn't want to be (or be seen as) someone who wanted to "convert" people. I didn't want to seem manipulative, or like I had ulterior motives. So that's why I was so afraid of telling people about Jesus. That's why I was so afraid of the questions, and that's why I would try to dodge the conversation or change the subject every time I felt like it was about to come up. And I felt horrible about it. I felt like I was being an awful Christian because it seemed like I didn't want my friends to be saved. But that is not true. I love my friends and I do want them to live eternally, but I put my fears above their lives while trying to deal with the guilt.

So why am I writing this? Today I had an epiphany. A eureka moment. I came home from my small group and chilled in the kitchen, snacking on some homemade salsa while watching funny video clips of Ellen DeGeneres. Suddenly, my other roommate (the Iranian one) came home. As usual, we asked each other how our days went, which is usually followed by, "So what did you do today?" - the question I then dreaded. My response came, " Um.. I went to work.. then I came home......andwenttosmallgroup". "What? What's that?", she asked. Now, since she just came to Canada, all the English she knew was from literature. So the term "small group" was definitely not part of her slang dictionary yet. So I told her that I go to church on Sundays (avoiding "I am a Christian") and that it's really big so they divide people in to small groups to get to know each other. She then asked me what we did there, and I told her that we... just try to get to know each other and support each other in our lives. Which is true, but also very vague and really not helping me feel less guilty. She looked a little confused, and then asked, "I mean.. What is the purpose of this small group?" And so I said the words that suddenly came to me, "We learn to love people. You know how it's really hard to love people sometimes? Well, at small group we tell each other about our lives and try to support one another in loving the people around us. We learn together how to love people".

SO THAT'S IT! I figured it out! Finally - you would have thought that this was a no-brainer. If you ever went to church, everyone there knows and talks about loving people, how to love people, and that Jesus told us to love one another. But why had I never thought of it so clearly? I have had thoughts where I am telling myself that I need to love people better, but I never put it in the context of sharing this with my friends. I never knew how to relate it (I'm slow, I know) or word it right so that it could be applicable to other people's lives. Maybe I didn't understand it fully myself.

So this is the answer: I go to church to learn to love people.

What about the rules?
The rules in the Bible are there to give people a starting point to let us know what love does and doesn't look like. Do not steal? Do not kill? How do you love someone by doing these things?

What about Jesus? Who is he?
Jesus is the only human to ever live a sinless life - a life full of love for everyone (Matthew 22-25). Jesus spent time healing the sick, casting out demons, and engaged with the poor. He didn't discriminate against the lepers, the outcast, nor the weak. Jesus came to give life and love to people.

So what is a Christian?
A Christian is a human who realizes that he/she is a sinner. A sinner can be described as someone who is not perfect at loving everyone. A Christian is constantly looking to change into a more loving person. Christians want to know God - we want to know more about our creator. We do this by learning to love - 1 John 4:8 says, "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." A Christian is someone who wants to be like Jesus, because he knows (and is) God.

Why do we go to church?
Christians realize that they are sinners and want to change. We believe that Jesus was perfect at loving others and we want to learn from him how to do the same. We know that it is impossible to be perfect at loving, but we still want to do our best. So we go to church to learn about how to love together. We believe that one way God speaks to us is through the preacher - who delivers a sermon usually about how we can be better people, better neighbours, etc. based on the Bible. A church also provides a place where like-minded people can gather. It's like chess club; people who want to play chess go to chess club. People who want to learn to more about God go to church.

Why do we need to (or feel like we need to) love others?
The main reason why we want to love other people is because God loved us first. God sent his son, Jesus to earth to teach us how to love.

What the heck?
Because we are incapable of loving perfectly, we killed him. We killed Jesus. By crucifying him - driving nails into his hands and into his feet. We even beat him and mocked him. We didn't know who he was - until he died and the land shook and the curtain in the temple tore. Some people there realized then that he was truly the son of God.

In the Bible, when someone committed a crime or sinned, they would suffer a punishment (Romans 6:23). This punishment is death, because God is perfect, he can not be in the presence of imperfect people. So we would all die and not be able to be with God because we have sin. But God loves us - he loves his creation and wants us to be with him again (recall, Adam and Eve used to live together with God until they sinned by disobeying God and eating the forbidden fruit: Genesis 3).

So basically - we are all technically supposed to be dead and none of us are worthy enough to live with God  because we have all sinned in one way or another. However, a good creator would not want his creation to suffer. God wanted us to live eternally with him so he sent a solution - he gave us a way to get out of this predicament. He sent his son Jesus down to save us. Here comes the famous verse: "For God so loved the world, he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him may not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16)

So that's it. To become a Christian, you start by praying to God; acknowledging that you are a sinful person, that you don't want to be like that anymore, and that you accept that Jesus died on the cross for your sins. (A thank you would probably be appreciated too.)

I don't have all the answers. You can tell by the many years it took me to finally get even this straight. But I would be happy to answer any questions you may have regarding my faith, and if I do not know the answer, maybe we can figure it out together.

Called Me Higher

I went to my home church's high school retreat this weekend. I learned a new song - you can listen to it here.
What a peaceful weekend. Although I didn't get much physical rest, I got a good mental break and got to bond with my church family. I feel like I was encouraged by the Spirit to go out and live my life boldly for Christ.

Lyrics:

I could just sit
I could just sit and wait for all your goodness
Hope to feel your presence
And I could just stay
I could just stay right where I am and hope to feel you
Hope to feel something again

And I could hold on
I could hold on to who I am and never let You change me from the inside
And I could be safe
I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home
Never let these walls down

But you have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I will go where you will lead me Lord
You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I will go where you lead me Lord
Where you lead me
Where you lead me Lord
And I will be Yours
I will be Yours for all my life
So let Your mercy light the path before me

Health First

It's been a rough month. My life right now is as follows: wake up as early as I can (usually 10-2pm), go to campus, study all day, go home (2:30am), sleep (4am), repeat. It is not a great schedule.

However, I am going to say that I feel I am pretty on track for school. I have gotten most of the assignments done in the for the first two exams I have that are next week. In the midst of all of this studying, I realized that I have started to neglect my body and my health. I have been taking vitamins, trying to eat oatmeal for breakfast, drinking lots of water, and eating yogurt to try and stay as healthy as I can. But in reality, I have been eating out a lot (even Subway isn't the healthiest). I haven't been sleeping a lot either, or at regular times. Sometimes after I come home from studying on campus, it's 3am but I'm not tired. I shower and I continue studying until I realize that it's bright outside - that it's morning already when I'm about to sleep. This was bad. After I realized that it wasn't the artificial night lighting that was seeping into my room, I realized that I really needed to fix my sleeping schedule.

On top of that, this morning I was talking to my suitemate and he is a really healthy guy. I was talking to him about how I have been eating out because it takes me so long to get groceries and come back and etc, but he told me how he got his groceries done in less than an hour. He tried to help me think of what I could eat that was fresh and fast, and I really appreciate that he cares. So I am going to go grocery shopping after I write this. I am going to bring some fresh foods back to my classmates on campus too so they can be healthy.



I have been learning a lot about what it means to share my faith to my friends, my peers. I have been hanging out a lot with my program friends now, since we study together. They have started to take care of me by making sure that I get home safe every night, by seeing if I need food or coffee, and in return they ask me questions about homework and I try to help them out (since I usually end up learning it before they do - these guys are very last minute crammers). But it helps me to reinforce what I think I know, so it helps! There are also other smarter people who study there, so it's like a flow of knowledge. We go to the next level up when one of us doesn't know. One day after a rough week of handing in report after report and multiple projects, we couldn't study - we couldn't take it any more. So we played this new board game (new to me) called Citadels - it's really fun! I actually felt like throughout this time of studying, playing games, and encouraging each other when one of us breaks down and gets consumed by the fact that we think we're not going to make it.

I was talking to one of my classsmates/friends yesterday about how our other friend went home this weekend to see his family and how he's a family man and how he cares. I expressed how I hadn't been home in a really long time (almost 1 month) and then he said, " Do you just not care?" which really made me really sad as I didn't see that connection. I haven't seen my family in a really long time and it didn't really occur to me that it's been so long since I've been so caught up with all this school work. =( School sucks. I need to be more like my friend who cares more about family than school. I also think he can do it because he is super smart. But the fact that he's going at such a crucial time (exam time) is really something I respect.

Anyway - so about sharing my faith. A lot of my classmates have this image of Christians that make it difficult for me to think about how I can share my faith with them in a way that is different. I have this problem where I am scared that they will judge me - which I should not have because if I truly believe in God and that He is in control and that the lives of my friends are more important than how they see me - if this is true, then I should not care about how they may judge me and just do my best to share the Gospel with them. I have prayed for an opportunity to share, but I feel like it may have been insincere - I only pray it so I don't feel bad about not wanting to share. All in all I feel like that's what this whole term has been about. I have been reading Acts - and seeing how Paul and the other followers are so bold in their faith really makes me feel like I should be doing much better. Paul was so thoroughly persecuted and I am just afraid of a little judgement. Even from reading Acts 27 today, I can clearly see how God takes care of His people - Paul and some other prisoners were sailing for Rome and God promised Paul that all of them would make it to shore alive, despite the storm and shipwreck. At the end of the chapter, it says, "in this way everyone reached land in safety".

So if you are reading this, please pray for me that I might be bold in sharing my faith with others. Please pray that God will allow them to listen to me and that He may change how they see Christianity. Anyway, I hope to be able to post an update. I am going to get groceries now! YAY!! I haven't set foot in a grocery store in WAY TOO LONG (about 2-3 weeks). 

We'll Be Friends Forever

Today I had a conversation with my friend about what we think life will be like after we graduate. "Will we still see each other?" I asked. "We'll be friends forever" was the response. I was pleasantly surprised by her optimism. I can't believe that we're more than half way done our undergraduate career. 5 years seems like a long time, but it's actually passing by really quickly. It doesn't feel like we've been friends for 3 years already. I don't get tired of spending every day with my friends. You would have thought that I'd get sick of them by now. 4 months of seeing them every day and then 4 months of maybe one or two meet ups. Then the cycle starts over and repeats until we're done our 5 years.

I think back to the friendships I've had in the past. How many times have I thought to myself that we'd be friends forever? How many of those friendships am I still part of? My first best friend ever was when I was in kindergarten. She slept over at my house a lot because my parents baby sat her while her parents were busy at work. We were really young then, so that's as much as I can remember. My second best friend moved away in grade 2. She also came over to my house quite a bit and we gave each other gifts. I cried when she moved. My third best friend I met in grade 2. We were both standing by the edge of a fence that separates the pavement from the grassy field above. I didn't have any friends since my best friend had just moved. I saw her asked, "Hey, are you a loner?"  The funny thing about kids is that they're not afraid to speak what they think. She replied, "What's a loner?" ... and that was the start to a friendship that lasted strong until we both changed schools in grade 7. We still kept in touch, and I saw her every once in a while along with some of our other elementary school friends. But as the years passed, we hung out less and less, and eventually our interests differed so much that we lost touch.

I didn't want to make any new friends when I started in my junior high school. This was grade 7. I missed my best friend. We had a few friends who tried to keep in touch and still occasionally contact us. But it got harder once we didn't see each other 5 days a week. Eventually, I reluctantly made new friends at my new school. I was just too cool not to... Just kidding. I ended up floating around a few groups, so I wasn't ever really super tight with anyone, but I knew a lot of people.

In grade 8 my best friend and I had so many adventures together. We were both floaters, and we were both really different. But somehow, it worked. Perhaps it was because we both shared our relationship with Jesus. Perhaps it was because we experienced tough times and shared our vulnerabilities with each other and really cared for each other. We weren't just play buddies, we weren't just there to make each other feel less lonely. We actually loved and cared for each other as sisters in Christ. We stayed close friends throughout high school even though she changed schools multiple times. I guess by then we were old enough to take the bus on our own and hanging out after school was an option. We're the type of friends who can spend time apart and still be open and honest with each other when we catch up. It's as if time stops when we part. We are still friends.

I made another friend during my high school years that I still keep in contact with. She doesn't believe in Christ, but we've had lots of open conversations about love, life, and God. I think we understand each other in a way that we can both speak our thoughts and not be afraid of judgement.

After all the friends moving and after losing contact with so many people, I'm not sure at what point I realized that there is no such thing as friends forever. I may be wrong. I mean, there are still a few people I keep in touch with from before university. There are still some people I know I can always talk to and will want to catch up. I think there was a point in time where I realized that people won't always be there in your life. I haven't thought about this in a long time, but I think I still believe that God will put people in your life when you need them. Some people will walk with you for a long time, others will only walk with you for a few steps. The important thing is to cherish them while they are with you, and to enjoy every step of the way with them. 

The Light!!!

So I finally found it - the chords (and lyrics) to this song I sung at church a few months ago. I really liked it but I couldn't remember enough of the lyrics to find it on Google when I got home. Today, we sang it again and I made sure to remember more of the lyrics this time. It's called "Light Shine In" and it's sung by One Sonic Society in this video (Lyrics at the end of this post).

It's been a rough start to the term. So many changes, so many things happening all in one month. First - I should have taken a break between coop and school. That's one lesson learned. I need rest! I am only a student and nobody expects me to work extra. Second, I still have been getting these really bad hives at random times during the day but mostly occurring at night. I get them everywhere - sides, arms, feet, legs, neck, so far pretty much everywhere except my face. I don't know why or what's causing them. I don't know how to make it stop without taking some kind of allergy pill.. but I don't want to take too many. I saw a doctor and he told me to just take the allergy meds when it gets really bad but otherwise there's no point in getting an allergy test since I'll still be allergic and react to it. It's probably something in the air and I can't avoid it anyway. The only "cure" would be to get weekly allergy shots and that's not something I want or need for now anyway.

School is picking up. I have been studying and going to class WAY more regularly than I did ever before. Last term I studied every day for every moment of free time I had.. but this was only DURING and AFTER midterms. This term, things got really busy after the first week. On the bright side, I think I'm actually grasping things in these courses. I find that I can study better with just the textbook. The thing I always did wrong before was to not read the textbook and just rely on what I remember from class or from reading the solutions. This time, I read the textbook and my notes and make my own summary notes based on the questions I do (the summary notes I make every term). Sometimes it takes a really long time to get into the textbook. It's really boring and the equations scare me. The math is really tricky because I have to remember things from previous terms. I have a horrible memory so that doesn't help. The good thing is that I've actually started to enjoy doing the problems. It's weird because I actually understand what is going on now. I don't understand most things in class, but I can follow along with the math and absorb concepts the prof throws at me, but usually when I do the assignments I forget everything that happened. I need steps to guide me. After doing a few problems and looking at examples or solutions, I started to get a feel for the types of questions and how to manipulate the variables to get what I want. I think I'm really learning!!!!

I hope I'm not saying these things too prematurely as midterm week hasn't exactly happened yet (it's this week). In preparation for it, I made a study schedule and it seems like I am on track! For once, I feel like I can actually be "on top" of my courses! I used to go into exams knowing that I don't know stuff, but I really feel like I have a chance now to do better than just a pass. The grades I've been getting so far are not bad too!

I am even exercising more. I try to wake up early to do follow some pilates videos on youtube and it feels really good! It wakes me up and I feel stronger. I actually feel my muscles getting less tired and I am able to do the full workout for most of the videos now which makes me really happy because I used to stop a lot for breaks.

I'm still trying to go on exchange. There are a lot of things that I want to do. There are also a lot of things that I don't know about what I want to do. So that's the life of being an indecisive person. I also had a small breakdown last week when I realized that my club sucked and that people will leave because I'm not making it what it should be. But the good part is that my friend and vp was really supportive about it and helped me to push the club in a new (better) direction.

I am also reading one chapter a day for Mark! I was supposed to be following my Sunday School class that I had to leave (because of school) - they are going to read the Bible in a year! I started with them but I fell behind after going to school. I am trying to catch up now =)

Having a seeker's small group is interesting too. I started it with my friend and we both have friends who are interested in what Jesus Christ is all about. I am actually pleasantly surprised by how bold their questions are - "How do you become a Christian?", "What's the process?", "Why should I believe?" and even having some of my other non-Christian friends have started having conversations with me about faith and what it means to love your neighbour. It's actually really crazy because I'm starting to feel less awkward about sharing my faith with them.

On a side note, I almost had a meltdown today when I got home from studying because I was trying to make dinner but everything was so dirty or rotten and I was really grossed out and I wanted to cry. I know it sounds silly but I think I was just super stressed. After a long day of doing questions and finally understanding concepts, I wanted to come home to a nice warm meal and just relax a bit. But I ended up having to tip toe around nasty crusty counter-tops and re-wash anything that I wanted to use to cook or eat with. I also had to sort through the stuff in the fridge to finally get to what I wanted to cook and I realized that it had gone bad even though the expiry date is today and it was a completely sealed package. Then my feet started itching really badly while I was trying to cook in the dirty kitchen and it wouldn't stop and I was so hungry.

Breathing deeply really helps. I just told myself that I'm probably just in high-stress mode from preparing for midterm week that a lot of things are setting me off a bit more easily than they normally would (a dirty kitchen still upsets me though). I should really sleep earlier - I'm really bad. I think I'm a little bit of a workaholic...

Also some of my friends are being weird and I have no clue what to do about it. I also don't have the capacity to really reach out and see what's going on or if they even want that. So I think I'll just deal with what I have right now and if they need my help I will be there.

OK as promised, here are the lyrics to the song:
You can hear Vertical Church sing it too I have no clue who wrote it >< sorry..

Verse
Arise, for the light has come
Darkness bows down to the risen Son, the risen Son
Arise, raise your hands and sing
To the one God, to the one God

Chorus
You are, You are
The matchless King
Who tore down the gates of the enemy
Make way, make way
For Christ and sing
Let your kingdom come, Your kingdom come

Verse
Arise, for the battles won
Our hearts bow down
To the risen Son, the risen Son
Arise, raise your hands and sing
To the one God, to the one God

Bridge
Come let the light shine in
Come let the light shine in
We’ll let Your light shine in
We’ll let Your light shine in

This is What You Do

You bring people together.
You bring light and love to this world.
You fill me with joy.
You make me come alive.

I love this song, "This is What You Do" by Bethel Music. I was introduced to it by my roommate who was practicing praise with his praise team for his fellowship a few weeks ago. I joined in and learned a new song!

We sang this song to end off praise night this week and it was such a great song to end with. It definitely brought out a spirit of joyfulness when we sang this.

Lyrics:

It's always like springtime with You, making all things new
Your light is breaking through the dark
This love it is sweeter than wine
Bringing joy, bringing life
Your hope is rising like the dawn

This is what You do, this is what You do
You make me come alive
This is what You do, this is what You do
You make me come alive
This is what You do, this is what You do
You make me come alive
This is what You do, this is what You do
You make me come alive, You make me come alive
You make me come alive, You make me come alive

It's like I'm living for the first time
Finally living for the first time

It's Me

I keep doing things that upset other people then it upsets me.

Maybe I am still living my life wrong,
Caring about the wrong things,
Forgetting who I am,
Always thinking about who I need to be,
How I need to change.

But I do need to change,
To stop looking down on myself,
To take what people say lightly,
And not personally.
Maybe I just need to recuperate.

I feel like I'm not getting along with some people. Maybe I am just making it up and it's just me. It could just be stress. I am doing too much. I need to stop. I need to stop perceiving other people a certain way. Stop assuming I know them when maybe I really don't. Stop sleeping so late and thinking so much. I need to rest. I need to stop getting allergic/stress reactions. Pause. If I can't even make it through this without stressing out then there is something wrong. I need to prioritize. I need to time manage. I need to just do what needs to be done and let other people do what I do not need to do. I am not the solution. I cannot solve everyone's problems. That is not my job. My job is to sleep right now. Goodnight.

Something On My Own

Today after my friend dropped me off at home (after church and lunch), the house was empty so I decided to dig up my (barely worn) roller blades and get some exercise & fresh air. I decided to skate to the neighborhood park to enjoy the scenery in  a car-free space. Anyway, I followed a trail that goes around the park behind an elderly man who was on a mid-day stroll. I never caught up to him even though he was barely three meters ahead of me to begin with. He glanced back a few times and as we went uphill, I fell further behind but as we went downhill, I veered closer. There was one point on the trail where it was significantly steeper going downhill. As I was about to go down, I heard the squealing of tires and a loud "PAKK" sound. I looked ahead and downward. A car had swerved and driven right into a "No Parking" sign just at the park entrance. After checking it out to see if it was safe for me to continue, I went. I sped up really quickly going downhill but I knew I didn't really know how to stop so  I decided to fall. It was a controlled fall, where I landed on my buttocks with my arms not touching the ground. I bent low before falling so that the impact would be lessened. After I fell, the man turned around and came over as he saw me on the ground. He held out his hands towards me to help me get up. I was a little embarrassed so I just spat out, "Hi sorry - I'm not very good at this! Just trying something out..." and he said, "That's OK! At least you weren't like them!" while pointing at the car. We laughed and then I thanked him for helping me and he said, " I can't even skate!"

What a nice man. I guess this term has been pretty quiet for me in terms of the number of meet-ups and social interactions I have. It would have been nice to do things like this with someone else but I thought about it honestly and if I only let myself do activities when I'm with a friend then I would probably never do a lot of things. Sometimes you just have to do things on your own.

Not Counting Down

My boss asked me the beginning of last week, "Counting down the days?". I responded by telling him, "No...".

Today, he asked, "Are you sad you're leaving soon?". To which I replied, "Yes, are you sad?" and he said, "Very sad.". Why is he so cool.

Later, he came over to see how I and my new desk-mate (for the week) were doing with an assignment he had given me.
Him: "How's it going?"
Me: "Oh, we were just complaining about how much work you gave us."
Him: "Well I thought that this being your last week, you could earn some extra cash to go shopping."


yes............. I think I'm really going to miss this workplace. Or maybe just him. Tehee. I hope that wherever I work will have a boss like him or that I will be like him if I become a boss ;) . So cool, friendly, and approachable. 

A Lesson in Love

There are a few things to my morning routine; brush teeth, change, grab lunch from the fridge, and eat cereal. This morning, I went to the kitchen to realize that my lunch was on the counter. I had left it there last night by accident - I was supposed to have put it in the fridge to keep the meat from going bad. However, I remember placing my packed lunch on top of a stack of two larger containers that contained the leftover from the night's meal. The containers were gone from the counter, so they were either in the fridge or somebody came home late and ate their contents. I was a little sad to see this - although it was totally my fault for not remembering to put it in the fridge before going to sleep at night, it would have been nice if someone saw it and put it away for me. It's not like I always forget - it was just something that I had overlooked.

Perhaps I have been too spoiled with my past roommates. Perhaps it is because of the mentality that it is fair for me to treat others how they treat me - and I put their food away when they forget, so they should do the same for me. I know this sounds like a really small petty little thing to be upset over, but it is the small things that make a big difference sometimes. It's not about the food - it's about what it means about you and those around you. To me, it seemed like whoever put away the leftovers deliberately left my food on the counter to go bad. If it was together, and I always pack my lunch in the same container, and it's common knowledge that we keep our lunches in the fridge - then why not just help a friend out and put it away? 

So should I expect this? I guess not. So why am I upset that it didn't happen? Because it feels like an attack in some way, or that they don't reciprocate the care that I have for them. Maybe I'm just thinking too hard, but I was really upset at this. It might have also been a bit worse because the person who was supposed to buy groceries this week (we take turns) didn't get anything yet, and I had run out of soy milk (I'm lactose) to eat with my cereal. Also, there was also no bread, so I couldn't eat breakfast. I ended up just packing a bunch of nuts to eat at work.

Anyway, on my way to work, I was just thinking about whether or not I should be feeling upset and trying to figure out why I felt upset. Then I started thinking about how if they were going to play the "well it's your responsibility, not mine" game, then I should do the same too. I will not remind them when they forget something. I will not help them out if I see something that they may potentially need help with. I will just do what I need to do and just look out for myself. But that didn't sit right with me either. I thought about it some more to see why that didn't sit right. Then I got it. Jesus didn't tell us to treat others they way they treat us. He told us to "love your neighbour as yourself" (Mark 12:31). And so, I have been doing it wrong again. It seems like every time I think that I "know everything" about what's fair and whatnot I am corrected. No, loving someone doesn't mean that I only give what I take, or that I should be mean to someone who was mean to me.

It hurts to love another human being. It's not fair, and sometimes it's tempting to withhold it from someone who has hurt us so that they can feel how we felt. That's what makes love so powerful - because there is a sacrifice. Love is not really love if it is convenient. Love is not really love if it is easy. Love is difficult. Love really takes an effort. So I realized that my whole life, I've still been following the rules of society. I've been treating other people the way they treat me. But that is not how Jesus wants me to live. Loving someone and always putting in the effort to show them that love is what sets us apart from society. Choosing to love when it is difficult, when it is not reciprocated, or even when it is rejected. When you can still love the people who want to kill you, that is really powerful.

So I was upset that my lunch had gone to waste (the meat probably went bad) and that I would starve until dinner time (since I didn't have breakfast either). I was frustrated at myself for not seeing how unloving my thoughts were, and really did not want to love. I checked my email when I got to my office and I saw that there would be a free lunch today for the people that attended this info session that I had signed up for. Then I was once again, shown how deeply my Father loves me - that even though I struggled to learn that lesson of love, even though that I really did not want to love the person who saw my lunch and didn't put it away for me, God still loves me. He loves me enough to show me that He will provide. So after God showed me His love, how can I respond if not in love to those around me?

Spelling Doesn't Count

As I am starting to get more and more exposed to work life and things outside of school, I find that fewer and fewer people care about spelling and grammar. For example, at work, I get these notes from people who work at hospitals about what kinds of things they need/want when doing renovations. The spelling is off - even simple words like sensor becomes "senor" and radiation becomes "radition". It's not even like a one-time thing either, they spell it wrong the same way EVERYWHERE! It makes me confused sometimes even though I think I know they mean a certain word, but if they spell it wrong consistently then it makes me wonder if that is a new word for me.

Also, people don't care about grammar anymore - it's as if grammar makes things confusing. For example, it seems like nobody wants to use the word "the" anymore; we would say, "Provide valence lighting over desk" instead of "Provide valence lighting over the desk". Nor does anyone want to use the verb "to be"; we say, "Lights to remain" instead of "Lights are to remain".

I guess it makes things more clear........ or more vague.... whatever doesn't get you into trouble..

Outlet.

I really want to punch a wall. I'm super stressed out. I realize that I am easily agitated and easily upset/set off when I am stressed out. My first reaction to mean comments/insults/etc is to want to punch that person in the face. I don't care if my hand breaks. I kind of understand why my friends punched a wall when they were really upset. I just need that kind of outlet. But no, I will not punch anybody. I just need to suck it up and stick it through.....

I know, my life is great. I have a job, an education, and here I am complaining about being stressed out about studying for an exam that I should have passed the first time. What a petty little girl.

What's New: Stresses and Strains of Life

1. My friend is now a DJ for this Asian FM radio station. You can watch his first show here: FM93.9 (it's an hour long)

2. This is a funny video I found trending among my peers in engineering: How It Feels to be an Engineer (a short < 5min video)

3. This is a very scary video that my friend shared of something traumatic that happened. Do not watch this unless you are prepared to be shaken. Dog Owners Beware  I almost cried watching this.

4. Yesterday was a beautiful day. It actually felt like spring was here. Today was chillier, but I think it might be because of all the tall buildings that block out the warmth of the sunlight on my way home from work. =( I was reminded again that it can be a beautiful day, but it doesn't hide the fact that we live in an imperfect world.

5. Pidgin - Since Facebook Chat for Desktop app has been discontinued, my sister discovered an open source program that lets you chat with all your Facebook/other AIM contacts all in one place: http://www.pidgin.im/

6. I can't see my past final exam. So I have no idea what I did wrong/need to work on. My exam is on Monday and as each day goes by I feel more and more hopeless and less and less prepared....

7. On the bright side, I managed to resolve (for now, it seems anyway) a problem I've been having with a coworker at work which was really stressing me out. Also, my boss is back from vacation and he's the best. I have also been working on my own project which is super exciting.

8. Yesterday my sister and I went to a coffee shop near our home. This nice young gentleman saw her struggling to bring our drinks/cake to our table and he helped her out and was real nice about it. =)

9. Lately there have been many losses experienced by my community. With everything happening with me and with those around me, I've been feeling pretty worn out and I found myself (selfishly) thinking that I can't do this anymore and wanting to crumble. If I could feel God's arms around me I think it would make me better. But I guess since we are sinful and I can't see Him, I can only trust that He has control over my life. If I could, I would sing this song: Worn - Tenth Avenue North

10. Today was the first day I started walking home from work. I decided not to buy a bus pass this month to help myself get more exercise --> become healthier --> lose the beer belly. It was chilly but nice. I was thinking maybe I'll roller blade in the small streets instead, but then again it might not be such a good idea as I really suck at roller blading. Maybe I'll just practice before actually going to work in case something happens and I don't make it.

Welp, that's all I got for now. Back to my studies...~

Great Expectations

No, this is not a book report. This is not a movie review. I just read the plot summary of the book by Charles Dickens, and it sounds interesting. I might borrow it from the library to read sometime.

I have very unrealistic expectations for myself, and sometimes it leaks over to people that I interact with. Some expectations are legit. Some expectations are too much. I have an idea of how things should be - I act like an idealist, but I think like a realist. I know that it is impossible for me to be perfect in anything. I know that it is impossible for me to do everything - to solve all the world's problems. To be fill in all the gaps that are missing. But I still try. I still exhaust every part of me to do it all. Maybe it's the idea of self worth - the feeling that I can be the one to save the day. Perhaps it is me who I am trying to glorify. Perhaps if I think I can do and accomplish all these things (even if I enjoy them), perhaps... only then, will people love me. Perhaps, only then, society will respect me. Perhaps.

As I said, all these things I know are unrealistic. I know that there will always be something I cannot do, there will always be somebody who disagrees, or doesn't care. I live life as if I am trying to accomplish both societal and "Christian" standards. But that is not possible either - as they contradict each other in what they want you to become, and how they want you to behave.

" 4 Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, 5 for each one should carry their own load. 6 Nevertheless, the one who receives instruction in the word should share all good things with their instructor. 7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8 Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. 9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. 10 Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers."
- Galatians 6:4-10

What is there more to gain than the approval and love of God, the Creator of all? Why do I  need affirmation from others before making a concrete decision - do I not trust that God will direct me? If I can not decide for myself what to do until someone else tells me, do I not know how to follow God? If I only follow what other people say - I am not following God. I am following people. If I do not make my own decisions - how can I learn to grow in discerning God's will? I let others choose because it becomes their decision. They made the decision for me, so they are responsible for what happens to me. That is wrong. People will say what they will say, people will try to make you do things. If I let my life be run by people then I will just be a slave to the winds and the waves. I have been freed by Christ, so why put myself in chains?

"13 You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. 14 For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” 15 If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other. 16 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law."
- Galatians 5:13-18


So let me not be afraid to live life by the Spirit. If I make a bad decision, if what I expect doesn't happen - if I believe that I have done my best in doing what is good in the eyes of the Lord, then I just have to keep going, knowing that I am living for Christ and not for anyone else.

Will You Do Something That Matters?

Check out this comic:

I got it from this article I read that popped up on one of my social media feeds.

It's pretty lengthy, but this comic pretty much sums it up - the younger generation is more interested in creating things that solve "problems" rather than solving problems that our attention should really be focused on. This is exactly how I feel about where technology is going. We don't care anymore to solve problems that could really make a change, that could save a life. There are so many people who have access to knowledge, and the brains that could be stretched to great potential, but they are not interested. People are becoming more and more consumed with making life more comfortable for themselves. Instead of living communal lives, we now live independent lives. This generation cares less about world around them than about the online world. Everything is instant. Everything happens on demand. Technology is great for taking a break or for entertainment, but when that becomes the only thing people are interested in developing, we have a problem.

The Cost of Ownership

Today I struggled. I was almost overcome by insecurity in how good of an employee I am. I know that I do my best at work, and my coworkers and boss are generally happy with the work that I do. I try really hard to be perfect - to complete all my tasks on time and with quality and thought. But today, I forgot to do something small. I had just had a conversation with my boss about the task but then for some reason I didn't end up doing it before I left. I didn't realize that I had forgotten to do it until I was pretty much home. I thought about going back, but I decided that it wasn't worth the trip. The task was really small, so it didn't make sense... but at the same time it plagued my mind that I had forgotten to do it. Would it be OK? Would my boss need it tonight? I wasn't sure if it had to be done today or if tomorrow morning would be fine.

I thought about it. Should I call my boss to admit that I forgot so that he could do it if necessary? Or should I just wait until tomorrow morning, go in early, and get it done? But there was a risk of it being too late.

The struggle was whether or not I wanted to admit that I had slipped and wasn't as perfect at work as I want to be to my boss. On the other hand, if it was necessary to be completed today and I didn't do it, then it would come back to me anyway - this time with more dire consequences.

I struggled. I called my boss, planning to let him know (eventually, after I decided it was the right thing to do). He didn't pick up. I hung up before it got to voicemail. Then I decided that OK, I tried already, so I will just do it tomorrow. But then, I talked to one of my housemates, and it seemed like such an easy/straight forward decision for him. He just told me, " I would just call him and leave him a voicemail." No hesitation, no trying to justify why it would be OK to not call. I thought of some excuses like, "But what if I did do it? I would just look silly". I actually didn't remember if I did it or not - but I didn't remember doing it, so I was leaning towards that I didn't.

So after that, I decided to try calling again - this time intending to leave a voicemail. Instead, my boss picked up - this caught me by surprise. I explained my situation and apologized. I felt really bad, and I was talking really fast and anxiously. I think I actually freaked out at him. But, he was actually really nice and forgiving about it. After I hung up, I felt so relieved. He might joke about it tomorrow... but it is my fault that I forgot, and that's better than me screwing up the work for him later. 

Anyway, I'm glad that I have good role models to get support from and to learn from. I know that deep down, I know what the correct thing to do is. My struggle is with seeing what I can get away with in today's society - which would be a lot of things. I shouldn't do that. Even if I know that I could probably get away with something in this society, God will be the judge of me - and when that time comes, there will be no excuses, no justifications, nowhere to hide.

So what/who do I fear more? Failure? My boss? God?

Keeping All Options Open

Discerning God's will for me has always been the hardest thing to do when it does not involve other people (because then the choice is to love with what maximum capacity I can).

So what am I talking about? It's going back to this whole choosing thing. If God didn't give us freedom of choice, then I wouldn't be having this problem. But then I would also not know love, so I guess I'm stuck with making decisions.

Today at work, my boss randomly said to me, "You're not going back to school next term. We are keeping you here and you will do another coop with us." - To which I awkwardly replied, "um...." and then stared blankly at him. Then after a few moments of not knowing whether or not I should tell him that I can't just do that, he said,  said "Just say thank you!". I proceeded to ask him about work. He laughed at how I didn't address his joke, and then answered my question. I was going to say something about how I would fail school and that would not be the greatest thing. And then I realized that my boss probably thinks I don't know how to joke.  =(  In hindsight, I should've probably responded with, "Well then, you'd better be giving me a raise!!"

Anyways, I found out later that he said that because they weren't able to find a co-op student next term. But I think that was a compliment. I love working for my boss and he treats me well.

This conversation got me thinking; what if at the end of my term, my boss wants me to come back for my next co-op? What about exchange? What if I pass my exam and get accepted into the exchange? What then? I will have to make a choice between two good things. Working here would help me to learn more about the technical aspects of what I want to do in the future, and I would be able to develop valuable relationships and networks. But going on exchange will also open my mind to the world and give me the business and social aspect that will also impact my future.

In situations like these, I usually just hope that only one thing ends up working out, so that I won't have to make such a difficult decision - there would only be one option. But the more that time passes, I am starting to feel like both doors are going to be open. I have no idea what will happen in the future. I can only do my best in all I do, and if the time comes - make a decision.

Here, a beautifully written proverb for me to ponder:

"My son, if you receive my words
    and treasure up my commandments with you,
2 making your ear attentive to wisdom
    and inclining your heart to understanding;
3 yes, if you call out for insight
    and raise your voice for understanding,
4 if you seek it like silver
    and search for it as for hidden treasures,
5 then you will understand the fear of the Lord
    and find the knowledge of God."
(Proverbs 2:1-5, ESV)

Oh How I Need You - All Sons and Daughters

Knowledge vs Experience

Today I had my midterm review (informal) with my boss and another coworker. We were talking about having technical knowledge and having experience in the field - actually working. Then a while later, when I went to talk to my coworker about a project, my boss showed me this photo and said, "Remember during our meeting we were talking about knowledge and experience? Well, this is you." He then pointed at the left side.

Then he pointed at the right side and said, "And this is (insert name of another coworker)." He is such a funny guy. Anyway, I came home and google-images-ed, "knowledge vs experience" and this was the first photo that came up in the search. Now I'm wondering if he google-images-ed it and printed it out to show me. It was in colour too!!

The Pressure is REal

So after a long struggle between deciding whether or not I actually really want to go on exchange - and not leaving it up to other things and other people to decide for me, things are climbing up. There is a lot of pressure.

I decided to go on exchange - which means doing everything in my capability; to reach every effort I can to be able to go. This doesn't mean I will get to go, but I will definitely not blame myself for not trying hard enough if I don't go.

That being said, I am learning to take control of what happens in my life. I am a very easy going, flexible person. If things change unexpectedly, then I adapt. If I don't have a distinct opinion about whether or not I want to do something, I will leave it up to whatever happens to happen and put in whatever minimal effort I believe to be "good enough". But no, that is not good enough. That is not the way to live my life for Christ.

Revelations 3:15-16 says,
" I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth."

I need to make a decision. I need to be responsible for whatever happens to me, or I will end up being blown away by the wind, letting it take me places I will regret. I need to either try hard and fail, or try hard and succeed. In both, God is with me, God loves me, and God can redeem me; so why should I live my life in fear of failure? Why should I be like the wicked servant in Matthew 25:14-30? I need to use what God has given me to the best I can, and not play it safe by following whatever happens. I need to try and make things happen. Did Moses give up when Pharaoh refused to let his people go? No, he obeyed God's command to go back time and time again until Pharaoh eventually gave in (Exodus).

So I have decided to want to go on exchange. I have begged my professors to help me out, and I have paid the fees even though I don't know if I will be able to go. I am also banking on the fact that I will pass my exam this April so that I can go. A lot is riding on this: my pride/face, my leisure time, my efforts in preparation, my finances. Aiyayie.

As 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 goes, "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus"

I Do Not Have the Capacity to Love

But I am so glad that Jesus does. And that He loves me even though I can not love like He does.

My friend was talking to me the other day about how letting someone know that they have hurt you is love. It is love because you are giving them the chance to acknowledge that they have hurt you and possibly apologize or keep in mind that it is hurtful. In situations where I am hurt by another person, I often find it difficult to let them know how they have hurt me unless it continually happens or it is just intolerable.

So the challenge is this: To not lash back, but to learn, when the time is right, how to love those who have hurt me. This will be my lesson in love.

Prodigal: extravagant in spending, lavishly abundant

11 Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. 12 The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them.

13 “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.

17 “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ 20 So he got up and went to his father.

“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.

25 “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27 ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’

28 “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29 But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’

31 “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32 But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”

Luke 15:11-32


I was a counselor for the first time at my church youth winter retreat. Through leading a small group with some youth, I reflected and learned a lot myself. This was the theme passage, and we looked into it in three different angles. First (and more commonly understood), the younger son - prodigal with money and his inheritance. He then realizes how unworthy he is of being the son of his father, whom he had left and disrespected (through asking for his inheritance before his father passed). He was lost in temptation and thus saw himself unworthy to be anything but a slave.
Then the older son - self-righteous, with questionable motives for his obedience. Did he stay at home and work for his father out of love? Or just to make himself deserving, and worthy of more than the younger son? His description of himself as a slave to his father shows that he too, does not see  himself as his father's son.
Last, we have the father; the one who has lost both his sons to sin but lovingly goes out to them in hopes of restoring them gracefully to where they belong (with him).

Do you believe that God wants you to be with him? Do you know Jesus? Did you know this parable is actually the gospel message in itself? We are both the younger and older son. God is the father, who sees us as we are - as his sons whom he loves. We have sinned, and turned away from God. But He still longs for and chases after us to restore us to Him. To bring us back, so He can love us.

Sometimes I may feel like I owe a debt to Jesus, to God. Jesus, why did you die for me? I am unworthy of being saved. God, why did you send your Son to die for me? Now I have to work hard, to become someone who is worthy of salvation.
But no, that is not how God sees it. Yes, we are unworthy. But God still loves us and wants us to come back to Him. He loves us just as we are. There is nothing we can do to become worthy. "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. 32 I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance." (Mark 2:17)

So how do I know/what makes me believe that God wants me to be with him?
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). He is the prodigal God, prodigal with love. Whether we feel we deserve it or not, God wants us to come home.

If we have been saved, been forgiven through Jesus, why do we need to work towards being like Him? Why not sin more? We are forgiven right?
Yes, we have been saved (from our punishment of eternal death). And through being saved, we experience God's love. What better way to express our gratitude, and reciprocate our love than by obedience to him? "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.38 This is the first and greatest commandment." (Matthew 22:37-38) By being loved so much by God, we naturally respond by wanting to please our Saviour through the transformation of our hearts (ie. repenting of our sins).


Man of Sorrows - Hillsong

Chorus:
Oh that rugged cross my salvation
Where Your love poured out over me
Now my soul cries out Hallelujah
Praise and honour unto Thee

Bridge:
Now my debt is paid
It is paid in full
By the precious blood
That my Jesus spilled

Now the curse of sin
Has no hold on me
Whom the Son sets free
Oh is free indeed

My Perspective in Your Shoes

I have come to realize that there are things I will never understand about people. It is easy for me to think that everyone would think and feel as I do, so that's my guide on how I treat others. "Treat others how you want to be treated" was my motto for pretty much all of my life. But the more people I meet, and the more time I spend with other people, the more I realize just how different some people can be. Differences in the way people think and perceive things can really change the way they interpret or behave in different situations.

I wonder to myself during times of conflict what is wrong. Why does the other person feel the way they do? If I put myself in their shoes, I would be fine - so why aren't they? If I put myself in their shoes, this is what I would want me to do to make things right. I am so used to this kind of thinking. Thinking that only revolves around knowing myself. Thinking that requires little effort of actually getting to know the other person. I have approached difficult situations thinking that I am putting myself in their shoes to try and understand them, but really, it is still my perspective. I am just putting myself in their shoes, but it doesn't make me that person. It makes that person me. Does that make sense? By putting myself in their shoes, I am essentially seeing the situation from their perspective - yes, but I am analyzing and processing and interpreting the situation with my own reasoning, thoughts, and feelings.

This is a really difficult concept for me to write out in words. I hope it makes some sense. Essentially what I am trying to say, is that it is impossible to completely see something from another person's point of view. Why? Because everyone has had different life experiences and thus we become different people. I guess that's what makes us all unique. No two people are exactly the same - in physical appearance (even twins have their differences), thought, and by actions. 

So where am I going with this? I think the point I am trying to make is that it my life will never be conflict-free. I will never be able to "please" anyone in every way. I will never fully comprehend the way people think and how they come to interpret the situation. Conflict is usually a misunderstanding between two people - caused by assumptions made and unspoken expectations. People approach situations and process their thoughts differently. Even if the thought process does not make any sense to me, I need to respect the other person. Loving another person is a difficult thing. It does not require me to put myself in their shoes. I can't understand everything about them. Things will not make sense. People don't make sense. I don't make sense. But what love requires is that I respect their thought processes and give them the space to do what they need. I need to understand that different people have different needs. Just because I don't need something doesn't mean it's like that for everyone else. Don't take things personally. Don't assume. Just take mental notes about the other person and learn from experience how to best love them through the next conflict.

Don't get me wrong; I am not saying that we shouldn't try and see things from the other person's perspective. It definitely helps. I am just saying that it is not enough to just do that. I am saying that if you try and still don't understand then just take it as it is. It's like physics. I don't always understand where the equations come from or how they make sense, but I just take them as they are and proceed to solve problems with them. I tend to take things to the extreme, so this post is to remind me that if I fail at understanding the other person, life will still carry on.

TOMORROW

I AM GOING TO THE LIBRARY TOMORROW.

I went to Indigo today after work and I picked up a fiction and I sat there on the floor for a good hour and read. Purely for leisure. It was a horror story, I found out later. But it was so good. Wow. I can't remember the last time I read a book for fun. To relax. To lose my mind in a world not of my own.

I read 60 pages before the store closed. It was a good 60 minutes. So I am going to do it more often. I also have to study for an exam I will probably take early April. I also have my driver's test to do... end of March/early April. Hi-ho! It's off to work I go!

One Sweet Day

I love Boyz II Men. Honestly, if a guy would sing to me like they do....

They did a song together with Mariah Carey, and it's just so beautiful... kind of sad, but beautiful.

One Sweet Day - Mariah Carey ft. Boyz II Men

Lyrics below:

Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say
And now it's too late to hold you
'Cause you've flown away
So far away

Never had I imagined
Living without your smile
Feeling and knowing you hear me
It keeps me alive
Alive

And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day

Darling I never showed you
Assumed you'd always be there
I took your presence for granted
But I always cared
And I miss the love we shared

Although the sun will never shine the same again
I'll always look to a brighter day
Lord I know when I lay me down to sleep
You will always listen as I pray

Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say

Bucket list

So with a new year, people talk about resolutions. For myself, I am still thinking about that. In the meantime, I have a bunch of things I would like to do for this term. I think it would be easier for me to work with shorter periods rather than longer ones.

So here it is:

FOOD
1. Eat pie or cake at Wanda's Pie In The Sky (Kensington Market)
2. Eat at the all day dimsum restaurant; Rol San (Chinatown)
3. Drink at Sneaky Dee's
4. Go for wings at Duff's
5. Form Lounge (Koreatown) - get a snack and 5 beers for $20
6. Eat a patty from Patty King (Kensington Market)
7. Eat at Mr. Jerk (Sherbourne/Wellesley)
8. Eat at Roti Lady (Parkdale)
9. Buy  bread from Cob's Bread
10. Learn how to make peanut noodles the way Mr. Paninos does

BOOKS
1. What's That Sound? by John Covach
2. The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown
3. Stone Crossings by L.L.Barkat
4. Start Fretboard Freedom by Troy Nelson
5. Keep up with reading the New Testament (1 chapter a day starting Matthew, then John) with my Sunday School class

MUSIC
1. Listen to a good chunk of the music that "What's That Sound?" refers to
2. Go on a listening journey to discover new bands/artists/genres of music
3. Learn to play Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin on guitar
4. Get through 100 days of Fretboard Freedom

OTHER
1. Get my G license
2. Post once a week
3. Take the time to relax and reflect once a week (probably while I post)
4. Meet up with one friend once every two weeks. (I know, I've been a hermit)



Time for some new verses to live by this year!

Last year's verses were:

Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground. 

- Psalm 143:10

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 

- Philippians 4:12

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 

- Matthew 11:28 (NIV)

This year's verses will be:

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 

- Galatians 5:21-24

I was inspired by this sharing that this guy at my church did this past Sunday. I really admire him as a person, his personality and character. I think he is very wise and I enjoy the way he speaks. He spoke on the passage about Jesus being the vine and we are the branches (John 15:1-4). He said that we are not saved only by believing in our salvation in Christ, but to not be cut off by God, the gardener, we must bear fruit. By "bear fruit", it doesn't solely refer to evangelizing. Sure, evangelizing is a way of bearing fruit in the spiritual sense, but we also need to bear fruit by cultivating the fruits of the Spirit, as listed in Galations 5 above. 

Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister. 

- 1 John 4:20-21

This verse I just found by going on biblegateway.com and it happened to be the verse of the day.  But I like this verse because it says so bluntly that you can't love God unless you love your brothers and sisters. For this, I will take my brothers and sisters to mean ones I have in Christ, while also doing my best to show love to my non-Christian friends in hopes that they may one day be my brother/sister in Christ. 

What are some things on YOUR bucket list?


Ps. Casting Crowns (one of my favourite Christian bands) is coming out with a new album on Jan 28. You can get a taste here: All You've Ever Wanted

The Unfinished Story of my Life

Preface
This is a post mission sharing letter so that you know what went on with me during my mission trip when you were supporting me financially and/or prayerfully. As I thought about the things that I learned while I was on this trip and the things I did there, the most accurate thing I can talk about is how I was changed by the trip. As I was only there for a really short time, it is hard for me to say if I actually made a difference in someone else's life. Therefore the contents of this letter only briefly touches on the things that I did, what I saw and the people I met there and is more about recollecting my encounters with God and adding it to my testimony. To understand why certain things I experienced during the mission trip affected me the way it did, it may be helpful to look at my testimony where I did my best to piece together the major events and influences that led me to this mission trip. You can read about this in a blog post I wrote prior to the trip.

Not So Coincidental
During the fall of 2012, I was working at my co-op placement and thinking about what I wanted to do in the future. At the end of the term, I had my wisdom teeth taken out and was given a few days to rest. I dreamt about Nehemiah and saw his wine-stained palm and when I awoke from the dream, I heard the name “Nehemiah” call out to me a few times in my head. Confused, I read Nehemiah and reflected upon a sermon about the cup bearer I remember hearing from Ken Taylor (pastor at Creekside Church, Waterloo). I understood this as God telling me I needed to do something for His people. About a week later, I attended Urbana, a global missions conference that was held during the winter break, I wanted to go on a mission trip to experience similar things to what I had heard about. So I put "go on a mission trip" on my mental to-do list, and worried with school and finding a job. One random weekend not too long after school started, I decided I would have the time to go back to my hometown for the weekend. That Sunday at church, one of the ladies that I grew up knowing approached me and asked me if I was interested in going on a short term mission trip for two weeks in July. She briefly summarized the major details and then told me to let her know by March if I was interested or not.   

Not For Hire
Back at school, I was going through interviews to find a co-op placement for the spring term, which runs from the end of April to August. Now during this time, I had one foot on the side of going on that mission trip my church auntie wanted me to join her in, and the rest of me was on the fence. My heart was pretty much set on wanting to go, but I still had uncertainties with finding a job. With the addition of travel time, the trip would take up almost three weeks out of my work term - long enough to turn off potential employers. A popular mindset students have while going through the co-op interview process is to just get a job. Any job. One of the biggest fears of the co-op program is the inability to secure a job and then fail a work term. So you may be able to imagine the dilemma I was left with when somebody I interviewed with told me that I would not be considered if I went on the trip. I was then given a few days to decide if I really was going to go or not. After sharing my predicament with a friend, I felt encouraged and emailed the interviewer telling them that I was thankful for their interest in my application but that I had decided to no longer be considered for the position - I was going to go on the mission trip. 


1 A Path has Been Made
Shortly after I informed that auntie from my church that I would join her mission team, I got confirmation from another employer that they were willing to hire me even though I would be gone for almost 3 weeks. The team would be going to east asia to host an English summer camp at a local church for students in their late teens and early twenties. We would be teaching in pairs so the auntie suggested I ask a family member, as it would be easier to make lesson plans with them while I was out of town. I asked my dad to come with me, and after some prayer and encouragement, he agreed to be my teaching partner. This was great as I trusted him to figure out our visa and travel arrangements while I studied for and wrote my final exams.  

2 Coming as One Body
The team consisted of people that came from all over the world. The team from Canada consisted of the auntie, her husband, my father, and I. The auntie and her husband are part of the Fountainhead Chinese Christian Association, the organization we went with. There were four other university students; 3 from Australia, and 1 from America. We had one professor from Singapore, a translator from Hong Kong, and 6 full time missionaries from the organization. The team met together for the first time at their headquarters in Hong Kong. There we had training and then flew together to our destination. During our time there, we all had our roles to play. We had about 8-10 students and 2-3 teachers in each class. Some of us played musical instruments while others sang and did actions to English songs that we taught the students. We led fun activities and games to play during breaks between the lessons. 

3 Strength that comes in Weakness
After the first few days of camp, the students started inviting us to play with them and offered to show us around the city in the evenings. They were excited to show and tell us things that we were new to, just as we would tell them about what it was like living in the countries we were from. I felt that it was actually easier to bond with the students even though we both had very limited knowledge of the other person’s language. There was this bond that grew from the mutual understanding of how we struggle to learn the other language. We laughed at each other’s attempts when we had bad grammar and offered each other the appropriate words and phrases for things that were communicated through gestures and writing. In addition to this encouraging spirit, it was also amazing to see that even though many of the team members fell sick during our time there, it was impossible to tell because they still led their activities and engaged with the students with the utmost enthusiasm. 

4 He Knows Me
Near the end of the camp, we watched Evan Almighty, and had a discussion about it which was when we had the opportunity to share the gospel with them. We also invited them to join the local church’s student fellowship on the weekend where we shared our testimonies, and many of them came. It was really encouraging to see how God was working in the hearts of these students. Many of them were curious to know more about the gospel and their responses to our testimonies were thoughtful. On the last day of the camp, we gave out certificates for having participated in the camp and they were given the chance to share with the other classes their experience of the camp. To my surprise, one of my students said, “You taught me how to love”. With these words, God spoke directly to my heart - showing me just what He can do when I choose to obey and follow Him. Although I am still uncertain of what God intends for me in my future (and Nehemiah?), I know that listening to the voice of the Good Shepherd will never disappoint. 

Acknowledgements
I am thankful to God for providing me with the family and friends who supported me and the team financially and prayerfully during the whole decision making, planning, and fundraising process. Thank you for being part of my journey and for your encouragements. Thanks for reading!





1 “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” (Aged Moses to Joshua) Deuteronomy 8:31

2 Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. For we were all baptized by one Spirit so as to form one body—whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many.
1 Corinthians 12:12-14

3 “My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.” Psalm 73:26

4 “I am the good shepherd. I know my sheep, and they know me. Just as the Father knows me, I know the Father, and I give up my life for my sheep.” John 10:14-15