Beautiful Sound

Beautiful Sound - Newsboys

Turn the page.
Can't turn the light out.
Every word, every line
Carries to my soul.
Dark letters on a page
Singing so loud.
Where did I go wrong
Not to hear You?

Eighteen years,
I guess it was all right.
I let You do the thinking,
I'd just bide my time.
Father to son
Sunday hand-me-down.
Where did I go wrong
Not to hear Your song?

It's a beautiful sound
Moving through the crowd.
Voices lifted up
On high for You.

It's a beautiful song.
We've only just begun to understand.
Rediscovering You.

To have found You, and still be looking for You,
It's "the soul's paradox of love."
You fill my cup, I lift it up for more.
I won't stop now that I'm free.
I'll be chasing You
Like You chase me.

It's a beautiful sound
Moving through the crowd.
Voices lifted up
On high for You.

It's a beautiful song.
We've only just begun to understand.
Rediscovering You.

Something tells me it's all right.
You know it's gonna be all right.

The Plunge

This week has been probably the busiest week I've had all term. Although I don't have hell week, I think that this is worse. Having midterms spread out over one and a half months is like having hell month.  There is not much time for a break, but you won't last if you don't take a break. So sacrifices have to be made. I know that I need rest in order to recharge and be able to study productively, but it is hard to rest peacefully when I know that there is still a lot to do.

Even weekends are crammed with tasks and things to learn. I only have a set amount of hours to learn something and when the time is closing in I panic, not knowing if I will be able to understand the material in time. Why is it so hard? What's so hard about it? Everything is just a concept I have to grasp, and equation I have to know how to plug variables into. What's so hard?

On top of that, the weather has been going crazy with the snow and then the rain. When it snows I am happy, because I am excited for the winter boarding season. Boarding makes me happy. I feel free and thrill on the hills. Yes, hills - not mountains. I love doing physical activities because it gives my mind a break. I think too much, and then in school I also need to think a lot. So making my body work instinctively and ignoring the intellectual part of my brain is good. Exercising different parts of the brain.

But this rain is so gloomy. Seriously makes me just want to crawl in bed and sleep.

I've definitely plunged myself into school lately. And this makes me sad as much as it makes me kind of proud. I'm proud of myself for having the discipline to actually study every day, put in hours of work into studying (something I haven't really done much of before) and I think my study technique has improved. The sad thing is that in order to be on top of my studies and to push my new club to lift off, I've sacrificed a lot of my time I would have otherwise spent with people. Developing relationships with my kcf community and especially with the first years. I haven't really gotten to know them, nor have I tried, as I am afraid I would not be able to put much effort into the relationship - why start and give less than half?

My mind is always on my studies. I'm always so caught up in trying to solve a problem at the back of my mind that it gets distracting when I try to talk to someone about whatever they want to talk about. I'm not paying attention to them; I'm nodding at the right times and responding when it feels right, but my mind is not actually processing and caring about them. I feel like I'm just there for them so they're not talking to nothing. And that's not right. When I'm with someone I should focus on them and their needs. But I can't even give them that sometimes. I really just wish I could be really smart and understand things faster. My roommate even told me this week, "Hey can we chat sometime?" And I said, "What's up?" while looking at my laptop and writing down notes. She said, "I miss you. I barely see you and all we say are hi's and bye's and then we go to sleep or do something else." That made me sad.

 And when things happen around the house I find that I really just don't have the time or the mental caring capacity to want to help out and figure out what to do. That's not normally like me. Normally I would see to what the issue is and try to solve it. But these days I've just let everyone else figure it out on their own and reason that they're old enough to figure it out, they're smart enough. They can do it. They don't need me. Which is partly true, but I don't think like that. Now I just do what I need to do and maybe help out if I'm still not burnt out by the end of whatever I was doing. I feel like I'm focusing so much on myself. But at the same time I feel like I need to, in order to survive. Am I doing it wrong? Why do I struggle?

Maybe I just need some time alone with God to figure things out. Maybe the rain isn't so bad. I just need a load of love from God to rain down on me so I can soak in it.

Rain Down - Shane & Shane

Cinderella

Beautiful analogy in a song, Cinderella, by Steven Curtis Chapman


She spins and she sways to whatever song plays
Without a care in the world
And I'm sitting here wearing
The weight of the world on my shoulders

It's been a long day and there's still work to do
She's pulling at me saying, "Dad, I need you
There's a ball at the castle and I've been invited
And I need to practice my dancing, oh please, daddy, please"

So I will dance with Cinderella while she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella, I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight and she'll be gone

She says he's a nice guy and I'd be impressed
She wants to know if I approve of the dress
She says, "Dad the prom is just one week away
And I need to practice my dancing, oh please, daddy, please"

So I will dance with Cinderella while she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella, I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight and she'll be gone
She will be gone

But she came home today with a ring on her hand
Just glowing and telling us all they had planned
She says, "Dad, the wedding's still six months away
And I need to practice my dancing, oh please, daddy, please"

So I will dance with Cinderella while she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella, I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight and she'll be gone

An Interesting Read

... about something that I seldom but still think about.

http://www.connie-zhou.com/asian-american-awakening/

The Pains of October

October has so far been painful in many ways.

My courses are crushing me, I had to speak some harsh words, and I got two minor injuries.

The first is this thick callousy layer of thing on my middle finger. like the top fatty part of it has a weird thicker patch of skin.

its not on my guitar hand so idk how it got there. its been there for 3 weeks now. I dont remember how I got it or where it came from. I just remember feeling it. Anyway I suspect it's from almost burning myself on the stove while cooking.

I also got this scrape and bruise today from when I was getting out of the swimming pool. I was too close to one of the lane ropes which explains why I have four cuts. The bruising comes from the ring that the rope ties to.

Singing Chords

There's this lady that can sing chords. I do not kid you. It's amazing. It's near the end of the clip. I found it on this website, it's a pretty funny post.

youtube song by itself - Snarky Puppy - Lalah Hathaway
website/post: http://chasingmusiclife.com/?p=461

Slow Fade

Another beautifully deep song that was recommended to me by Grooveshark. Give the song a listen, and then listen to it with the lyrics.

Slow Fade - Casting Crowns

Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day

Oh be careful little eyes what see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see

A Thanksgiving Prayer

I hosted a thanksgiving dinner for my program friends this year. We have started to become closer than just classmates. This term has been so rough on us that we haven't had much of an opportunity to hang out. So when I found out that a lot of them hadn't ever had a full out turkey-thanksgiving meal, before, I decided to host one.

Little did I know that there was something else working besides me in the kitchen. The Spirit was working in my home, and what happened may seem normal to others, but for me I was taken by surprise. The food was ready and just placed on the serving table. We were all gathered around it to see what was there, and then, I don't know who, but somebody said, "SO, are we going to pray?" I thought it was a joke. I hadn't mentioned anything about prayer or my faith this night but somebody asked. And I was even more surprised that other people were open to it. And then I forget how or who said what, but somehow I ended up being the one they wanted to pray. So I asked if they were serious, because I was actually going to pray. They all were like, "yeah!" and nodded at me. So I prayed.

I think for me this seems like a big deal because I was actually praying out loud. To my non-believing classmates. To share something personal with these people made me really happy. I know that this is just one small thing, and I have no idea what God has in store for me and my program friends, but I am now aware and excited for what He has planned.

I am so amazed right now. Maybe they just thought it was a thanksgiving tradition to say grace because our meal was so traditionally thanksgiving themed. But nevertheless, wow. I would never have imagined that I would have such an opportunity.

I have no regrets. Perhaps it is something God has planned; for me to have a positive experience and then become bold in following Christ. I would still consider myself shy. I don't really know how I ended up in this program, meeting these people, and praying for them tonight. I really really hope that there is more to this. And I am scared but also really excited for what's to come.

!!!!!!!!!!!



Indescribable - Chris Tomlin

Not 2B

ughhh............

honestly. i just started getting caught up in one course..

and then i look and realize that there are still 3 other courses i'm behind in.

why is everything happening so quickly?

It's not even like i'm not studying

I study every chance I get. i'm not as involved in a lot of things anymore.

i've detached myself from a lot of responsibilities and stopped meeting new people so i can focus on school

and now my best friend is sleep

and this stuff doesn't make sense. textbook examples are too simple for practice problems.

drowning in equations, bombarded by concepts

i can't even ask questions in class because i don't know what to ask about other than "can you explain everything".

ugh this is so depressing

i can't study today. i've been sitting here staring at the same course for 1.5 hours and i got nothing done.

i can't get nothing doneeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Guilt : The Heart's Deceit

5 This is what the Lord says:

“Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
    who draws strength from mere flesh
    and whose heart turns away from the Lord.
6 That person will be like a bush in the wastelands;
    they will not see prosperity when it comes.
They will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
    in a salt land where no one lives.

7 “But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,
    whose confidence is in him.
8 They will be like a tree planted by the water
    that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
    its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
    and never fails to bear fruit.”

9 The heart is deceitful above all things
    and beyond cure.
    Who can understand it?
10 “I the Lord search the heart
    and examine the mind,
to reward each person according to their conduct,
    according to what their deeds deserve.”

Jeremiah 17:5-10

You know the song, Listen to Your Heart - DHT. Well, you can't always listen to your heart. My heart is wrong. By heart, I mean feelings, how I feel. How I emotionally respond to things. I know in my brain what the right thing to do is, and I feel very strongly about doing it. But when it actually came to doing it today, something in me changed. My heart became weak, and afraid. Nevertheless, I pushed on, knowing it was something that had to be done.

"Let your intentions guide the words that you speak," my mentor told me. So I did. What I said came out in a way that showed my intentions were not one of harm, but one of regret at the situation. I did my best. So why did I feel guilty? Why did I feel remorse for something that was not wrong?

My heart broke, but my head does not regret my actions. I do not regret it. I would do it again. I know it was not wrong. But why. Why does my heart lie to me? Satan is attacking me, leading me away from God on a trail of lies. I have been so stressed out with school and other circumstances that I was weak, I did not spend time with God. I was starting to drift away, slack in my devotionals and quiet time, and Satan chose this moment to strike. But no, I will not let go of God because "[I] know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose". (Romans 8:28)

Cornerstone - Tim Neufield

The xx

I think this was one of those free song downloads I got one week from iTunes. I actually really like them. I'm studying right now but when this song came on it just invited me to listen to its lyrics. I love the electric guitar in this song - it's the dominant instrument. I want to learn to play this song now. Wow. What a sweet voice.

--> Ok, so I just looked up the YouTube to put on the hyperlink below, but then I saw that they have two electric guitar players =( ... I guess I'll just learn the one (main) part.

Angels - The xx

Light reflects from your shadow
It is more than I thought could exist
You move through the room
Like breathing was easy
If someone believed me

[Chorus]
They would be
As in love with you as I am
They would be
As in love with you as I am
They would be
As in love with you as I am
They would be
In love, love, love

And everyday
I'm learning about you
The things that no one else sees
And the end comes too soon
Like dreaming of angels

And leaving without them
And leaving without them

And with words unspoken
A silent devotion
I know you know what I mean
And the end is unknown
But I think I'm ready
As long as you're with me

Ladybugs and the Spirit of Not Caring

Life has been quite stressful lately. Going into 2B, I already knew it was going to be a rough term, but I had no idea. First, I was already a little behind in my lectures as I had not yet finished my work term report at the start of the term, and it was due one week after the start of classes. Being me, I wanted to take that one week of vacation I had to actually relax - and by relax, I mean to not do anything relatively productive.

So I didn't, and school picked up, and I was still getting used to going to classes, and trying to find that power button to turn my brain on. After a few sleepless nights dedicated to working on my work term report, while being occupied (or distracted) by unpacking, setting up the house with my housemates, trying to clean up the place, get things organized, watch dramas, have housemate bonding, etc, I finally put an end to all of this mess by handing in my work term report, and then getting sick.

Getting sick pretty much forced me to rest and not do anything. My group mates for a project and a lab I have going on for the entire term didn't want me to show up to meetings, and my housemates told me to stay in my bed. So it was great. But it was also a little stressful as I knew that I was going to be even more behind than I already was in school because I was going to miss more class.

After I got better, my textbooks started to arrive, and assignments started getting assigned. Most of them aren't for marks, so I had a few piled up. A lot of the material was hard to grasp in almost all of my courses, and the profs were pretty much writing and speaking another language during the lectures. I would also spend a portion of my time in those lectures on my phone trying to check and send emails for my club, to arrange appointments and reply to people who sent me personal emails. I also fell asleep a few times when the prof went on tangents in the middle of a question somebody asked.

Then, ok, yeah, school just started, I'm still getting used to it. I just need to do a better job of managing my time, that's all. Time management and discipline. That's the key to survival. I also started my weekly praise nights but we ran into a small issue with one of my housemates who wasn't really too cool with some of the details. So some effort was spent working that out. Emotional stress. Sometimes I feel like I bring it on myself. I choose to care. I choose to stress out about certain things.

Then my friend had a problem with her living situation and we decided to take her in. It was hard. A few people I care about were involved and it was in the back of my mind while we discovered pantry moths in our kitchen. We had to take everything out of our cupboards and check it out. We cleaned it up and looked for more. I still don't know if it's fully cleaned yet, but my housemates cleaned up other things they saw over the weekend while I was away and think that it's fine. Then during the weekend a lot of other things happened that gave me some more mental stress.

So I came back to town with more stress. I just wanted to chill out but it seems like there's no time for that. I'm either studying, eating, in class, or talking to someone. School is picking up even more now since I have midterms starting today and there's a class that I've only been to twice. Labs are three hours long and we're expected to spend 9 hours on it every week - 3 for pre-lab, 3 in lab, and 3 for writing the final report. I feel like my group mates aren't really pulling their weight for this and I don't want to end up with a bad mark or not understand the material, so I've been doing most of the work. In both my lab and project groups, everyone is too chill and laid back that nobody's really doing the work. Or it seems like everyone has other priorities (which are real and I understand because I have them too) and so the group work is always left to the last minute.

I'm not used to this. I'm not used to living with people that I know and care about. I like this but I don't at the same time because I like these people and I do want to get to know them better, but the draw back is that I can't give the time that I don't have to bond with them and hence I get left out. Or I feel like I'll get left out so I try to stay awake and rearrange my time but there just isn't enough of it and I haven't even been procrastinating anymore. I'm not used to doing 6 courses and a lab. The curriculum is already hard. Every course is heavily math based and builds up on everything we've learned from the past two years - most of which I am just barely starting to remember again after the 4 months of coop we just came back from. I'm trying my best to pick up but it seems like there is no time. How is it already October?

This isn't even real life. This is just the life of a student. I'm not even going to think that I'm not cut out for this because I know that it's not hard. I know that one day I'll look back and regret it if I don't continue. I know that it just seems hard at the moment but it really isn't. Why is it hard to grasp concepts if everyone else can get them? I'm doing a lot. I'm also trying to get away with not doing things that someone else can do. But it's hard because suddenly I'm the one who knows everything and suddenly I'm the one who's in charge because I really just want to get things done and get some rest. If I stop trying to push my group members to do work then we will lose marks. If I stop doing things for the house and the people I live with then they will think that I am not good to live with or that I don't care about them.

So I feel like all of this stress had turned me into someone who just wants to put a stop to caring. I'm a bit more sarcastic to my classmates, and find myself in the "don't care about what you think of me" mood. That's what I was thinking about on my way home when I got bitten by a ladybug. And it pinched. I was shocked because I didn't know they bite. I quickly slapped it away and went home, but then I realized that I did care about that. There are so many things that I do care about but not caring about them isn't the way to deal with it. But at the same time, I care about too many things that I really don't need to care about.

So I don't really know what I am saying right now, but I think I just need to take a breather. I need to focus on my studies first before I try to do anything else. I really want to not care about everything but school, but that's not an option. Juggling is not a game. Juggling is for survival.

Parable of the Unforgiving Debtor

Matthew 18:21-35 (NLT)

21 Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?”

22 “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!

23 “Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. 24 In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. 25 He couldn't pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt.

26 “But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’ 27 Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt.

28 “But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment.

29 “His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded. 30 But his creditor wouldn't wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full.

31 “When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened. 32 Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. 33 Shouldn't you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ 34 Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt.

35 “That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.”