So all my classes are finally over. All I have to do now, is write my final exams, and then I will have completed my first term! It went by so quickly, these 3 months. And I can say that I've learned a lot.
I think I learned some pretty valuable lessons, especially last week. One really big thing that I learned was that speaking your mind, and telling people how you really feel (the truth) will always win over sugar coating something, or faking your happiness/satisfaction. Being truthful doesn't mean being rude, or unreasonable. In Canada, we are allowed to speak our minds, and we are always taught to tell the truth. I'm not saying that I lie to people all the time. I am usually more inclined to tell the truth than anything - with the exception of times where I feel uncomfortable, or unfairly treated. I usually would let people know how I am feeling, if it is them who is causing it, but it is more difficult for me to do so with people that I am not as familiar with.
What happened was this: for one of my courses, the majority of the course work was spent doing a group project. Throughout the entire process of completing the project, (mind you - this is project that lasted the whole term) I had been feeling like my ideas were not welcome, and that some of my group members didn't trust me to do a good job. Perhaps this is a common trait found in engineering, as everyone who gets into the program is probably really smart, and prefers to think that his/her way is the best. I can understand that, and I don't mind using someone else's ideas if they are better. The reason why I was so upset was that when I tried to speak up and say my ideas, as crazy as they sometimes may seem, I would be cut off before I even finished explaining. And I kept trying. Every time I had a new idea, or a creative (in my opinion) solution for something, it would get shot down, and it felt like no one cared. Group meetings just seemed like a big waste of time, as nothing would get done while people would be showing up late, and always asking to leave before we had even accomplished anything. It felt like no one wanted to do the project, and when they did, it wasn't with any of my ideas. Don't get me wrong - just because they didn't trust me or listen to my ideas doesn't mean that I didn't know what was going on, or participate. I still did my share of the work. I wasn't totally cut out from the group, it was just that I felt inferior, like I had to listen to whatever they wanted to do. I still spoke up and criticized their ideas, just so they know that I've thought about it and so that they're aware of the pros and cons of their ideas.
One night, I got the chance to work on the project alone. This was close to one of the deadlines, but there was a lot of other assignments to be done for other courses, so the other group members didn't want to work on the project, leaving me to do whatever I wanted with it. Which was a good thing. I got to make my own decisions, making sure that they were in line with our group's design and wouldn't complicate or mess anything up. I spent a few hours making it nice, sanding down the wood pieces so that it would be smooth and appealing. The next day, the group met up to put the whole project together, and the way they treated the project was not with care at all. The pieces of wood that I had sanded down were kicked around, and when I asked them to be careful with the parts, I was told that the parts weren't fragile as they continued to handle the parts roughly. It tore at my heart. This probably sounds like I'm really fragile, but think about this. You spent 3-4 hours perfecting something that you made, and then you hand it off to someone who just throws it around, and strips away the last 2 hours of work you did on it. Two hours, that I could have spent working on my other assignments, instead of trying to make this project really nice. I didn't have to sand it down, but I wanted to, and now it seems like maybe I shouldn't have, since all the sanding I did got destroyed by my group members anyway.
Then came the final written component. We divided up the parts equally, but we did this through discussion in person, so only one person was allocating the tasks based on what people said they wanted to do. I wrote down what I agreed to do. We agreed to have all the separate parts completed and sent to be compiled into one report by a certain day. I completed my parts and emailed them out to everyone two days before the day that we agreed to have it finished by. I started a thread, specifically for the final written component, and I assumed that people would follow my lead and just attach their parts and
reply all. No one did. So by the day that we agreed to have it completed by, I thought that I was the only person who had done it on time (I believed this because for previous written parts, there were always things being completed after the agreed deadline). I was worried, but I wasn't the person in-charge of compiling the report, so I contacted a few members to ask if they had completed their parts. Some of them had, and some of them still hadn't. I sent an email to the group asking for them to email their parts to everyone, so that we could all read it over and check that this would be our best work. I was worried that they didn't put their best effort in, since it was now the night before the assignment was due. People were asking me questions, things about the project they should have known, and I felt like no one really paid attention or cared about the project, or assignment, other than getting it done and over with. That was the impression I got. I was very frustrated, I looked at some of the work, and I compared it with other group's work that I had seen, and I thought that the work my group did wasn't as good as that of the other group.
I was in a very foul mood, as people were notifying me that I had done the wrong part and that I missed another part. I checked, and I realized that I had done the wrong part, but I had also done all of my other parts (everything that I had written down from one of the discussions). So it seemed more like that I had done extra work. But according to another person, I had missed a part. I got pretty defensive, because it seemed like just another attack on me and I was absolutely sure that I had finished all my parts. So I told them that I wasn't going to do the extra work just because I had already finished my part ahead of time, and because I thought they chose to do their work last minute. I assumed that they weren't doing their best work since it was rushed, and I was angry. I needed to let it out. I talked to some friends and told them what happened, from my point of view, and I tried to put myself in the shoes of my group members but it wasn't really working out. I couldn't comprehend their actions and understand why they had treated me in such a disrespectful way earlier, and although I tried hard to believe that perhaps they were still good people and just didn't
realize what they were doing to me, I was still angry. I was at the point where I couldn't keep my cool, and wanted to explode and do something bad.
The next day, I had a talk with one of the group members and we decided that there was a misunderstanding, and that everything was going smoothly again. Although this conversation seemed to have cleared everything up and make everything better, a little bit of hatred still boiled up inside me, and it was wrong. I sent a message complaining about the conversation I had just had, making accusations and assumptions of what I thought was really going on deep under the surface of things, and I even insulted another group member's work which I thought had been done last minute. I was still angry and frustrated, and even though I didn't express this to my group members at any point in time during the whole term, they found out. It turned out that I sent the complaint, with my feelings completely unfiltered (because that's how I talk to my friends), laced with a hint of hate to the person that I had been talking about. This brought things to a whole new level.
As soon as I realized my mistake, my whole body shook. I had never been in this kind of situation before, and I knew I was wrong. No matter how badly I had felt that I had been mistreated, I was wrong in judging them without first finding out the truth, or hearing their perspective. I knew that I was wrong to talk about them in such a demeaning way, and that even in my unfiltered thoughts it was wrong to feel such deep dislike for someone. That's not how I was taught. That's not how I should have behaved. Those thoughts should not have been mine, but they were out now and exposed. It was out. Finally, and I was forced to confront my fears. So I did. I met up with the group, the person I had mistakenly sent the message to, and the other person who's work I had insulted. I knew what had to be done. I apologized for having talked about them that way, and having misjudged them without finding out if that was true or not. I apologized for insulting their work, and explained why I was feeling so angry. But what I did not apologize for, was for speaking the truth about my feelings. I told them everything that led up to me judging them negatively, and how I honestly felt the group went. They told me that they had been feeling that it was going well all along, and that everything was always going smoothly, in terms of how well our group communicated and treated one another. Although I had felt the complete opposite, I'm not going to question it. Perhaps I was imagining it the whole time, perhaps I'm just too sensitive, and perhaps I just need to develop a harder, tougher skin.
As much as I thought that I was a nice person, or that I was patient and understanding of others, I realized that none of these qualities were mine when I allowed even the slightest hint of hate to slip into my thoughts or feelings. I have to better control my thoughts and emotions. God really taught me a hard lesson that day, and I was glad that He loved me enough to show me. Even though I had thought that my hatred (for lack of a less strong word) was justified, it wasn't. I was called to love, and I didn't. I was so disappointed in myself, but glad at the same time that I had been able to spot this weakness inside me, this foothold that Satan had on me. I know now that I can be very stubborn and defensive especially when I feel like the underdog. In those situations, I am easily angered, and when I feel the most pressure and stress to beat the "opponent" to pulp. I turn into someone filled with lots of anger and I stop thinking. I try to reason and work against it, to help the "opponent" look like a better person, but I knew deep down that I didn't believe they were. Through this episode, I learned that I should always voice my opinions, in the nicest way possible, and that I should stand up for myself before I turn into the underdog. I used to be afraid of confrontation, maybe a little part of me still is, but after I confronted the people I had wronged to apologize (they did too), and to explain my perspective, I learned that it wasn't so bad. I felt God's presence with me when I confronted them, and I could feel Him encouraging me to speak my true thoughts and giving me the strength to keep my cool the entire time.
As I thought about what has happened, I remembered a passage that my dad shared with me a long time ago. At that time, I agreed with it, but I don't think I actually understood and lived it out. Now I can say that I have really experienced this, and no, it wasn't pleasant.
Ephesians 4:25-32 (NIV)
25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold. 28 He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.
29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Here is a good song that relates to this - I thought I shared this with you before, but I guess not!
http://youtu.be/rlBD7VJzttk - World's Apart, by Jars of Clay
