stunned

http://youtu.be/dHtwZ07N1ic

he is so good..... what the..... 

911 Deja Vu?

I saw it happen with my very own eyes. From afar, an explosive ray of light emitted from the Rogers Centre. The Rogers Centre. It wasn’t a dome, no. It wasn’t the old Skydome. It was just like any other rectangular shaped sky scraper. Seconds later, a smaller rectangle shot up from the top of the Rogers Centre like an elevator ascending. It was like the Rogers Centre’s most important sector, always prepared to eject from the building. It seemed as though they had expected this coming and had been prepared to launch off, except, as soon as the main sector shot up so that it was hovering over the rest of the building, it came crashing back down. It was odd. You would think that since there was already a perfect space dug out for the main sector to come back down into, it wouldn’t be a problem. Except it was. For some odd reason, the main sector came crashing down as if there was something that took up its place the moment it left. There was a great explosion, fire was everywhere, and they shot out from all around the building. I ran as quickly as I could, away from where the flames were shooting out at. Amidst the panic, I remembered my family. My dad worked downtown, he was a lot closer to the Rogers Centre than I was, uptown. If the flames were just barely reaching me here, then how much stronger would they be where he worked? I quickly sent out a text to my father, saying, “I’m alive. Are you?”. As I kept running towards the park, I remembered that I should probably let my mom and sister know that I was safe too, since I had left the school before any teachers could account for my presence. I wouldn’t want them to call home telling them that I was missing or got caught in the fire. I forwarded them the same text. Two seconds later, my dad called me. He told me that he was safe and had managed to escape the flames. My sister texted me back, telling me that she had been downtown too, but she was also alive and with her friends. My mom wasn’t home as I thought she would have been. I thought she was the one person that would be safe for sure, but no. She was downtown having lunch with a friend at that time. She didn’t know how to reply to texts. Then I woke up.

Or not. I don’t remember anything else that happened. I think my mom was alive though, so yeah. Weird dream. It was either while I was still dreaming, or after I woke up and thought about it that I feared that the next attack would be the CN Tower... I'm scared to sleep now. 

Disappointed

i went to church today, with two other girls. it was nice. the people were welcoming. there was a baptism and stuff. there was also a message which was a bit different from the ones i'm used to but that's okay.

i don't really know how this is related.. but lately I've been realizing that i have a lot of hatred inside me. i have always thought of myself as a really nice person that cares about the well-being of everyone and that wants everyone to be happy too. i thought that i could relate to people and therefore understand why they do the things they do and i don't have these feelings of hatred towards them. i don't really think its hate. its not really a strong feeling. it's just that i think i've found that i just don't want to be nice. loll. i feel like such a jerk sometimes. like.. some examples...... my friends and i were eating lunch late today, and we were just finishing when another girl came and sat with us (all by herself) and so we finished and i got up to leave... and then my friend was like...saying how im impolite in wanting to leave her all by her lonesome.. even though we didn't really talk to that other girl or know her or anything. i dont know. i know its not an obligation to stay there, which is perhaps why i wanted to just leave so i could do my own thing. so selfish. i feel so disappointed in myself for feeling and thinking that way. it's not that bad, that i want to leave since i dont really know her and stuff its not my obligation to stay there and like force myself to have an awkward conversation with her or  get to know her and become friends etc. the reason why i'm so disappointed in myself is because i know that i wanted to leave her all alone... and like.. i wanted her to be alone. i think i just wanted to be the one that leaves for once? that sounds so mean. why would i want to do that. of all people, i should be the one who doesn't leave because i know how bad it feels. why do i feel the need to make other people feel the same way? do i want to become the people who were mean to me? no. so why do i relish the thought of being able to leave someone on their own? for me, being alone isn't a big deal. i can handle sitting away from everyone else and just being in my own world. or lonely. i dont care for company as much anymore just because i've gotten used to being by myself. am i really rude and mean just because i dont want to "waste time" (that i'll spend wasting in my room by myself later anyway) or is it because i hate her? i dont even know her enough to hate her. hate is such a strong word. maybe dislike. why do i dislike certain people that i barely know? isnt that called prejudice or judgemental? why would i want to be described as that? why can't i just be the loving person that i thought i was. the person who never wants anyone else to be alone and feel pain? why do i have to have this ugly monstrous part of me that enjoys knowing that someone else feels bad? am i really that evil?
is it because she's chinese too? what do i have against her? the way she looks? the way she dresses? if someone were to judge me the way im judging her, they would do the same thing as me. they would want to leave me by my lonesome. i feel like im just trying to make excuses for myself when i say that its not that bad to be alone and that i have no obligations to sit there with her and chat with her until she's done eating. honestly, i don't know where i'm going with this. i just feel like a horrible person. but at the same time im trying to see the other side, but the other side sounds more like me trying to justify myself.

why do i automatically assume that i won't like her just by watching her? (not stalking. i just notice.. stuff..... she was sitting near me!) and by listening to the things she says and stuff when talking to my friends. =/ or just not liking her tone of voice. her expression. i shouldn't treat people differently just because they're different. everyone is different. i don't have to be her best friend. i just have to be a nice person. not rude, not impolite, not mean. ahhh. what to do with myself. 


WWJD. what would Jesus do? i think he would put in that extra effort to sit and chat with her. i think the nice gesture would make an impression on her too. what do i lose if i stay? nothing really. i'll just feel awkward, but so will she. if i leave? i just gain more personal time. to do nothing. what do i gain if i stay? potentially a good conversation. i might learn something new, or make a new friend. if i leave i might lose the opportunity for those things. sigh. so the verdict is, that i should stay. next time. if there is one. =/   why can't i ever think fast enough? i never seem to do the right thing at the right moment, and i only realize it afterwards, when reviewing my day, or looking back. ughhhh. so grossed out.

that's not all... the day we went to the beach, my friends and i were playing a game in the water, and one of four chinese guys came over and i think he said something along the lines of "hey what're you guys playing?". we totally ignored him. im not sure about the others, but mine was intentional. i didn't want to talk to him. i didn't want him to play with us (sounds so childish) but yeah. i don't know. it was just that i thought i'd be weird. and uh im not really interested in having much to do with guys while im away. so i thought i'd be better if i just ignored him so that he wouldn't bother us again and so that nothing would happen. i guess i didnt have to ignore him. i could've just told him what game we were playing. but then i was afraid he was going to try and join us. which i also didn't want. why not? because then i was afraid he would try to keep talking to us and i just wasn't up for that. so i ignored him. i could've just told him straight up that i didn't want to play with him but that'd be mean. but then i was already mean. so i don't know. lol. is there no nice way around it? maybe he won't want to play with us. maybe he doesn't want to hang out with us. maybe he was just bored. maybe im just over thinking it. why didn't i just answer him? why am i so rude. ugh.  

class! and an update..

can't believe im saying this.. but..

i woke up early today. earlier than early. i automatically woke up around 6:31 this morning, i think because someone on my floor turned on their shower.. and im a light sleeper when not at home (unless im realllly tired, or passed out). so yap. then i went back to sleep of course, until 7.

i actually am liking my french class. haha. the teacher doesn't check our grammar homework, and he only checks our writing assignments and the project. since its an intensive program, we only have 2 tests, one exam, and one project to do which is actually not a lot. i had my first test today... open book.. and it was actually a lot easier than i had imagined (we'll see if that's true when i get it back). i like this teacher because he talks about how the language has changed and he has some pretty funny comments. he's a really nice guy!

we have 3 hours of class, with a half hour break in between. during the first part of class, we usually do some grammar, read interesting newspaper articles, and then he'll show us a french song on youtube, which is pretty cool because he shows us different versions and stuff. after the half hour break, we usually do more interactive exercises, like skits, games, and today we had a test.

going to class here isn't as bad as going to class in high school. aside from the heat (no air con) and the fact that it's so early (8am), everything else is good. the only problem i have is staying awake when we're doing grammar or reading stuff (especially if i didn't get enough sleep at night). other than that, class is sort of like a game show you would watch on tv now and then, or every day if you are elderly.

today, i won a book! he likes to hide numbers from 1-17 somewhere in the sheets or homework that he gives back to us, and then the class decides on a number. the he will reveal where he hid the number, and whoever has the number that the class decided on wins a book. i won today! and he explained the author's background and stuff. it gets better. the author of the book that i won is actually an engineer. he wanted to write a book for his son's 18th birthday, but when his friend read it, he persuaded him to get the book published. and it did get published. now he's a writer and an engineer!

im also taking a workshop where you learn about how to teach people french. it's more of a "how to teach" in general course. at the end of the workshop (18 hours of instruction), i will receive a certificate that says i took this course.. something like that... perhaps i'll be able to do something with that. who knows. it just sounded really cool. haha. also im a bit strange in that i like learning about how people learn and how people view things etc. sort of like psychology i guess. like my weird interest in parenting. maybe because i want to know how parents/teachers feel when teaching.. so its like understanding the other side. pretty cool stuff imo.

it's only been the first week! four more to go. tomorrow we're headed to Magic Mountain - a water theme park... and there's also a zoo and some other stuff nearby. i think its also where the optical illusion is... "magnetic hill" something like that. i wonder if we're going to see that too?

the only thing i don't like about this is that you don't know exactly what you're going to be doing and when until the morning of unless its a big trip (going to the beach, big excursions (magic mountain, concerts). also, im kind of bummed out because im not 19, so i can't go to the lobster fest + concert thing tonight. =( because they don't want us to drink and stay out until 2 am. sigh. i want to go to the lobster fest!

i went to mcdonalds yesterday after playing dodgeball (i was actually more involved than i thought i'd be, so sweaty afterwards). they have mclobster. it is my goal to try one before i come back.

also, someone discovered that it's actually free to go to the gym... so im going to go swimming in 1 hour. =)

and.. i found someone to look for a church with me and attend it on sunday! yay! someone from her church got an email from someone at a church nearby too. and another thing is that this church is moving around a bit while they rebuild the place, so to help you get to their services, you can call them and they will arrange for someone to come pick you up and drive you there. pretty awesome. everyone here is really nice, and it's so safe.

Shins

today wasn’t so great. 

well it would have been awesome…. if…. it 

- wasn’t so hot… none of the buildings have air conditioning and i can’t close the blinds in my room. so the sun’s rays really heat up my room, and i can’t sit at my desk without the sun on my back.

- i sweat really easily. 

- it costs 40 bucks to use the gym and pool……

- also my shins hurt. i think its cauz i’ve been walking too much and not resting enough. the res im in is furthest away from everything else and i did so much walking in these past two days. i just got back from a whole campus tour.. and my legs were about to fall off. i could barely walk after i got to my room. idk why they hurt so much. it usually only happens after i do sports or go skating. maybe there’s nothing wrong with my shins but im just not fit. or perhaps my legs are getting stronger? you do get sore muscles after working out.. but it feels more like pain in my shins. =/ lying down really does help. so does sitting, but not as much. it feels like there’s no circulation there and there’s a burning sensation. right now i think it’s recovering… so that’s good.

my class this morning was pretty good. i woke up so early but late at the same time. i made it to breakfast but i didnt think i’d have time to eat so much so i had cereal - which was a bad choice because there was milk and i was very explosive today. ugh…. i also grabbed a muffin. the prof was really nice and i like him, but i kept falling asleep. the room was way too hot and stuffy and although i really wanted to stay awake, i found myself jolting awake every so often. =/

i want to jump in the shower every hour. 

we’re going shopping later. 30 min walk there. and then another 30 mins to come back…… i hope my legs are ready for this!

nap time, hopefully also long enough for a speedy recovery..

the other asian

so i thought i was the only chinese person here. culture shock. a lot of people that aren’t from big cities like Edmonton, Toronto, and Vancouver stare at me.  it’s kind of creepy.

today while waiting for the interview part of the placement test, i saw an asian guy. talked to him a bit about where he’s from and about how i want to go grocery shopping. that’s all. now i have an extra person for people to examine. 

sometimes i feel like i can’t speak english, let alone french. a lot of people seem to be having difficulty hearing / understanding what i’m saying. in english .______.  maybe i have an accent? maybe im just too quiet. maybe im slurring my words too much. or im nervous? when talking to new people? lol good job, me. 

the french starts in the afternoon.. and then no more english.

they're after me?

do you ever get that feeling like someone’s after you? like say you hear sirens and you think that the cops are after you. even if you haven’t stolen anything. or done anything against the law.

i don’t know why, but i always feel like they’re after me. or i’m the one they want. or i’m in trouble. or something bad. why?

im in my res room… and every time someone walks by, i stop typing. i move about quietly, pretending that i’m not here. my back stiffens when i hear a walkie talkie or radio. i feel like im afraid that they’ll discover something about me that is against the rules or something and kick me out. why am i so paranoid?

i feel like a hermit in my room all the time. but i don’t know where everyone else is. and i also don’t really want to mingle. im feeling explosive.. i think it was the oily breakfast.

i hope i’ll be able to go grocery shopping. i need to get some water, yogurt, snacks and fruits. i eat more than just 3 meals a day.. at the appointed times.. =/ i wonder if i can grab extra (like a muffin or something) and save it for later? is that stealing? the food’s buffet style, but you can only go through the food area once. so you gotta grab everything you want before you sit down or you’ll lose that food.

jumbled thoughts

im seriously starting to think that everyone thinks (or knows) that there’s something wrong with me. im starting to suspect that i am perhaps not who i think i am. =O  i know. weird. or not. i don’t know…… 

6:45 am: wake to the sound of my cell phone’s alarm

6:50 am: unwillingly climb out of bed

7:00 am: quickly change and brush teeth

7:05 am: leave for the caf.

today is a rainy day… it wasn’t raining this morning when i left my res to go to another building for breakfast… after i got my food, i sat across from this other girl that i had dinner with last night… it seemed like everyone else from dinner (total 6 people including me) was either still asleep or not here yet… so we ate, mostly in silence, and i thought about why she wasn’t really talking to me. i reasoned that she was probably like me, quiet and waiting for the other person to lead the conversation. that is how i am with new people.. unless i can’t stand the awkwardness, i won’t initiate a conversation.. unless they look like they’re in pain, sad, or there’s something interesting to talk about. 

food: was bland. scrambled eggs, sausage, hashbrowns - recipe for a heart attack if i eat this every morning. i hope not. i had to add my own salt/pepper and ketchup since there was no flavour at all in the food. D= the juice was clearly wayyy too diluted, so it was really disgusting. but it was alright for satisfying my thirst.

after we both finished, some other people finally started joining us - they all got an extra few minutes of sleep =( . then there was more conversation and it wasn’t so bad. i’m kind of used to not talking so much… i think i prefer just listening when in groups and stuff.. unless im really interested in the topic / strongly agree/disagree. but i guess with new people it helps to actually talk so they don’t leave you out or have to poke at you haha. 

i mumble a lot. just in general. about everything and anything. i think people think its weird. its sort of like im talking to myself, or just to the open. =/ iono. it helps me to think i guess. oh well. i dont really care. it’s just that i wouldn’t know whether or not to expect a response from people around me, or if i should just tell them to ignore me, cauz then they might not realize it when i actually am trying to engage them in conversation. so…. perhaps i will try to limit my mumbling. 

anyway.. ah.. after breakfast it started raining… and we struggled to find the building where we were going to do our placement tests - to see what level of french we’re at and which class to put us in. we all got soaked! and the room was air conditioned, so it was a bit chilly for my skin, but it made me feel like my arms were bigger today. hehehe 

the written and listening part of the test was pretty easy.. i think i got the majority of the questions….. there was one listening question where i completely guessed, because i didn’t hear the options/sentences. i dropped my pen when the recording was talking. i saw a teeny tiny yellow spider dangling from the tip of my pen .. dropping closer and closer to my hand.. as soon as i noticed it, my hand twitched (quite violently) and i dropped my pen. the girl in the row infront of me had to pick it up and i don’t think the girl next to me saw the spider.  D=  

the interview part of the placement test was a bit … more difficult. the interviewer just asked questions, and there were these pictures i was supposed to look at and respond to him about in sentences. for the first two questions, i only used one word, or a short phrase to reply.. until i remembered that i was supposed to answer in sentences. so i started adding stuff and making my sentences longer. he might think that i’m bad now at speaking/dont know any because i mumbled a bit.. sort of like when i talk to myself o_O and . uh. oh man …. yeah……. oh well. 

it was still raining when i left for my residence…. so i ran most of the way, jumping over puddles and stuff.. i passed by a lady who said “beaucoup d’eau” or something like that… i wasn’t really paying attention and i didn’t realize what language she was speaking in until it registered 3 seconds late. i responded with “yeah………..il pleut beaucoup.” lol oh man….. why do i fail?

when i finally got back to my residence, all wet again….. my shoes too…….. the entrance door was locked. O_O . i pulled on the door a few times, and then tried my room key…… and then i heard a click, but the door still wouldn’t open.. then some guy saw me (one of the program staff - phew) and he helped me and showed me how to use the key (turn half way and then open) T_T i feel like such a noob. 

im the girl who doesn’t know how to open a door. and twitches randomly. mumbles to herself. and oversleeps and wakes up when everything is over… oh dear… 

just got to NB!

I have a room to myself!

I have my own washroom!

and sink!

and fridge!

and microwave!

and internet access (good thing i brought an ethernet cable)

and i am melting like crazy….

i have also spoken 0 french other than “merci” and some other minimal stuff (when registering)

I have seen:

- one tiny black spider with yellow stripes…

- a lot of dust lying around

and my res is 209238490324398394234 metres away from the rest of the buildings….

so. i think this res used to be a hotel.. but the hotel probably got too old and cruddy for guests, so they sold it to the uni (im making this up) and… so.. that is why it is so detached from the rest of the campus.

my trip to here wasn’t a very easy one. guitar in one hand, luggage in the other, backpack on my back (of course) . and then…. uh i saw the building but i didnt see any roads… or sidewalk thingies to get there.. so i just trudged through the grass… and then downhill…. and….. i realized that it’s a lot harder (more friction) to drag a suitcase even on wheels through grass!!!! oh my. but i made it! =D whoohoo. now i am hungry. and my next meal is in 3 hours…. 

TO DO:

STOCK UP ON FOOD 

UNPACK

SHOWER (haven't in about 30 hours and i smell gross. my hair is also gross)

say hello to my neighbours (or should i just wait til dinner time?)

PLAY SOME GUITAR!!!!!! (maybe when i don’t feel so loud..)