Last Show... For Now...

ah....... finally back to blogging.  i haven't really left. but just .. been taking it slow these few days..... weeks.....

now that my busy week has ended, i can blog..... lol......about it.. i suppose...
so on sunday, it was Father's day as well as my last performance with my band for now, until who knows when i'll be able to come back and play? but yeah. kind of sad. kind of happy but also a bit disappointed in myself. maybe i'm too hard on myself, but i don't think so. lol . i think i just kind of suck. not really..... good..... at guitar. haha...... sigh.... i dont know what happened out there. i guess i didn't practice enough... although i really did feel like i was ready for the performance, but i guess i wasn't ready... with the nerves and all that. sigh... i asked my friend to record it for me... through the audio system, so i can get it without much of the extra noise [clapping, cheering, etc] from the crowd... and oh man. i already knew that i made a lot of mistakes during the performance, but there were so many more mistakes that i didn't notice... and i just want to shrink away and hide in a hole. it was that bad. yes. D= . oh my goodness. how could they have clapped out there. oh man. it was so bad. LOL. i can't even describe how much i messed up...... oh man....... ok i can.  here goes............

i had two songs with solos......
the first one, i loved the way i entered the song, with the wah going and it was pretty awesome. =D yay.
i had a solo during the music break... i came in at the right time [phew], but i could have played with more musicality; meaning with more... feel and sounds better. it sounds like i was focusing on playing the notes at the right time [which i did -yay].
second solo to end the song, i came in one beat wrong. but it was strange because i knew when i should have actually come in.. but when we practiced, someone told me that i was supposed to come in afterwards... so i did.. and it sounds really off. in my opinion anyway... =/ .. and.. there was a note that i missed, but then i wasn't pro enough to just let it slide, and so i just played it and then quickly played the next note, sort of like playing a lead in? what was it called again.. dah... the ones where you have a negative parabola shaped thing.
=/ not really satisfied with what i did there... i feel like i let everyone down... because they did such a good job, the vocalist, and the other instrumentals... and then there i had to go and mess it up. ahhghuhgakjfjdadsd

second song that i did a solo for... i started the song.. and uh apparantly my band leader told me to wait for him so he could accompany my solo... but i had no idea what he was saying [failure at reading lips.. and also took too long to realize what he wanted me to do] and i also thought it'd be really bad if i stopped and waited and then restarted.. so i just kept playing [so sorry]. and then yeah lol i think he understood.. and forgave me [thanks]. i didnt play legato enough.. my notes weren't linked together nicely. they sounded so choppy and staccato.. when they should have sounded smooth.. sigh gotta work on hammering =/ . and my tempo was a bit off... im not sure if anyone noticed.. lol but i did.. and im sure the rest of my band did too. dahhhh.....
also....i had a solo during the music break. and i completely missed it. it was that bad. i played the first three notes.. and then my hand slipped and then i forgot which fret i was supposed to be playing in and when i tried to continue from where the song had moved to, i played some wrong notes [quietly] so im not sure how audible that was. but to me. oh man. it was so obvious and embarrassing. seriously. i was so glad that the keyboardist filled in for me, doing an awesome improv to cover for me [thank you so much!]. then for the ending i was originally supposed to play something else to end, but i hadn't really thought of what... and i was just gonna improv, but then since i messed up the music break solo, i decided to play that [since i practiced for it and i actually tried really hard to get it right etc] instead. but i wasn't really loud enough.. for some notes. i guess because i didn't pluck cleanly enough.. and just lacking clarity overall =/ . sigh.
yup. so i wasn't really satisfied with this song either...... sigh. i hope that when my band watches the recording they won't be too upset at me.. haha..... but i'm pretty upset. myself.... so.... idk. lol .D= ahhh .

i guess the one thing that i succeeded in with this show, was cheering up my dad for Father's day.. since he was really upset that morning - how no one made him breakfast or did anything special for him =/ so i decided to make a shout out to him in the middle of our performance. and just thank him for supporting me for my life. haha. and to say a happy father's day........ lol wow when i heard my recording again i could hear the break in my voice -__-. which i didnt really intend . i think i was just feeeling realllllly emotional at that time . LOL and nervous like crazy  - i wanted to pee my pants. oh man. so scary. so i spoke quickly and yeah i guess i didnt say all that i could have or wanted to say.... but yeah i think he was still really happy inside hehe =) so yay.

after the show was over, everyone quickly packed and cleaned up.. and then well they were really happy that it was over, i guess. and sucessful........ in their opinion. although i messed up so many times ahh what a noob.  and apparantly i still really need to work on my stage presence. but the good thing is that i don't look like a dirty man. LOL anymore...... [description my sister gave me.. from my last performance].. and instead, i looked bored.... when i was trying to focus, i guess. and i need to smile more? i think its weird to randomly smile though. oh i don't know lol. what a weirdo i am. sigh.  lol although i apologized to the singer for me missing the music break solo, he said he didn't notice.. so i was like phew.. but after he sees the recording HE'S GONNA KNOW!!!!! and get at me for it LOL. dahhhhhhhhhh better quickly make my escape. lololol.

oh man i've gone crazy..... so much to talk about wow. so much has happened...... i am a bit too lazy to blog about it. but i want to blog because i want to remember everything haha they're so nice to me and ahhhhh i can never forget that. i am so happy that God has blessed me with such a loving musical family, and oh man. through them i can see His love, because even though we all say really mean jokes and make fun of each other, i think that's how chinese people show their love to each other haha.

Exhaustion!

What a day!

started off with me jolting awake, at the sound of my parents moving around. it was 8:49. I was supposed to be awake at 8am.... lol. and i was being picked up by someone at 8:45 - so i was glad she hadn't called me yet.

I took 5 minutes to get ready. 4 minutes after i received her phone call I left the house.

chatted @ mcds for a few hours. and then spent two hours wandering around a library and then milling about in the area before going to grab some grub at A&W.

taking the TTC on the weekend is not fun. it feels so weird. so. purposeless. maybe because i was alone. it was so hot i couldn't stand it. by the time the bus came, i had pools of sweat on the bends of my elbows.

also, it was really crowded and stinky. full of sweaty people lol. but that wasn't so bad. what was pretty bad was standing butt to butt with this lady, who decided to squeeze herself in the middle of the sides of the bus.. and then lean over and hold on to the swinging rope thing. i thought she was just passing through, so i got on my tippy toes to give her more space to pass... but i guess she took that for a place to stand. lol. it was so gross. we were both drenched in sweat. plus the feel of her bum against mine was just. not very comfortable. thankfully, i got off not too many stops after. lol. phew.

went over to church, had practice for some father's day show tomorrow, in a very cold air conditioned building.
4 hours later.... my arm was numb from playing non-stop/cold.
finally at the break I went outside and soaked up the sun like a reptile.

practice was. really. stressful. i was also doing av... so i had lots of running up and down to do, yelling, plugging in wires, cables, and trying to adhere to everyone's complaints/concerns/problems. everyone was asking me if i could find them extension cords, keys to open rooms, match the speed of a video to the band/recorded track/singer.... and on top of that..... i disappointed my singer with a really bad solo today. sigh. i think we did that song maybe two or three times. first time i completely missed the solo, thinking that there was one more chorus to come first. but nope...... second time....the intro was all messed up because my arm was numb....and i was also feeling really grumpy. so i redid the intro, better this time, and i didn't miss the solo @ the music break.. but still. i feel like i could have done much better. i was a bit disappointed in myself...... tried not to beat myself over it. but i couldn't stop just feeling angry at myself. and i know hes just his usual self, but he forced a frown every time i looked at him lol. so mean to me! Also, my quarter - inch patch cord broke on me while playing the solo to our last song... so i had to stop and use my backup cable (good thing i brought one).

after practice, we went out for dinner. i love them. even though sometimes practices can be really tough and exhausting on the physical and emotional part of me, i still had the energy to carry on conversations, and laugh like crazy with the rest of them. oh my goodness. i think this was one of the few times that i'd been part of a rowdy crowd at a restaurant (asian, so it's alright) and oh man. so embarrassing, but at the same time i didn't care because we were all having a great time. haha. wow. they can cheer me up from a really crappy day [probably was just all in my head anyway] and i can count on them for support. oh man. im really going to miss them when i go away for the summer and uni. but i will come back and visit and be one of those occasional members who crash events and shows. haha. hopefully i'll be pro enough to do that =).  lol i don't understand really fobby asians. their jokes, and the way they talk sounds really harsh and mean and uncensored.. lol but there are no real hard feelings [within our band anyway] and they're all just really for jokes. chilling with them for the past two years have really been such a blessing and i've learned so much.
we are so impulsive. in one meal, we already planned what we were going to do after the show tomorrow. go home, celebrate father's day [for those of us who live with them] and then go sleepover at either of our band leaders' houses. then we'd all go to wonderland the day after [for the people who took a day off work/finished school] and then after that we'd go meet up with the people after work/school to have dinner in celebration of our band leader's birthday! wheee. intense. after they dropped me off at home, i researched all the coupon codes and whatnot.

now time for bed. gotta wake up early tomorrow! the excitement never ends, so i gotta rest up to be able to fight and be rid of exhaustion! [and also a potential cold. i had two ginger candies. oh my goodness. they sting..... blaaaaaaaacccccccchhhhhhhhkkkkkk. i hope it works]

unease

i know i shouldn't blame you.

i can't. because it's something i have to learn to control.

but why does it still hurt me, even though i know it probably isn't what i think. and i always think too extreme, too negatively.

i don't have to feel this way.

stop thinking now. get some sleep.

it's all in my head. just. got to get over it..

feeling so sick. like vomiting, but i didn't eat anything wrong this time. its like your mouth suddenly has an awful taste but no matter what you eat or drink, it won't go away.

how do you get rid of it? just got to occupy my mind with something else.
then i wont be thinking about the taste anymore. just put it behind like everything else.

on the bright side, i'm done school. no more worrying. no more. i can't fix anything now. what's done is done. and that'll have to do. my life is in His hands, and i have to remember that. have to remember when He lifted my spirits, when He brought me back. no more going back. help me please.    

i need to chill.....

sighhh so bitter these days.

i need to just. take a break. from everything. or i'm just going to not want to do anything.

hate this feeling im having.

so sudden too.

and i dont know why its there. or maybe i just dont want to face it..

haven't like blogging in a while. but i always want to. but. i just feel like. stopping.. i guess.

maybe going away will help me to get away from all this right now. and just deal with it later. come back with a fresh new perspective.

quit being so soft and weak.

Last Day of School

So tomorrow is [unofficially] the last day of school. Then I have one week of exams, and then one week off, prom, then one day of school to check marks and whatnot.

How does it feel to finally graduate?
- I was feeling good, happy that I'm finally moving on.
-This whole week, I have been feeling like it's the best time to skip classes, since we aren't doing anything anyway... but then I remembered that I wouldn't be seeing these people, these teachers, being in this environment ever again. I mean, I wouldn't care if I knew I would be coming back again, but at the same time... all these memories that I've built up here for four years seem like a lot now.
- This whole time I've been thinking about how insignificant my life in high school has been, since it doesn't really seem like I accomplished much here - but I can blame myself for being such an introvert.

Should I go to school tomorrow?
- Yes, we are getting yearbooks and I paid for it.
- However, the better question to ask would be am I staying all day......
and the answer to that is a big probable no.
why?
because my dad is working from home tomorrow, my sister is finally home, and my mom will be home too. This will be my one chance at eating lunch with them and hanging out with the fam while all the other kids are at school, playing outside in the hot weather.

What about signing yearbooks?
- Well... I honestly really don't care if I get mine signed or not. It's not a big deal to me. If I really wanted to continue friendships with any of these people that I've met this year then I would. Signing a yearbook is just like a way to come to terms with the fact that you won't ever see these people again. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's how part of me feels. Why do I want to go through all that trouble just to get a warm fuzzy feeling 20 years from now when I open my yearbook?
- The other part of me tells me that when I have kids, and they go through my yearbook, do I really want them to ask, " Mommy, why didn't anyone sign your yearbook? Were you a loner?"  lol that's kind of sad. Perhaps I'll show them my previous years' yearbooks and they can be satisfied with those. Also, I have met some pretty cool people this year. I'm not sure what signing yearbooks will do though. haha. maybe help me remember what I was like, and what they were like when we were high school kids. mmmhmm.

So I'm stuck. Stuck between wanting to go to school and just stay and enjoy, and hang out with people "for the last time" and just going to lunch and hanging out with the fam on a school day, something I've never gotten to do in my 12 years of school life. Since I'll be moving away starting July and won't be back [longterm] for another 5 years, I'd probably choose my family. I'm sorry friends. I'll still see you during exams, after exams, prom, and you can sign my yearbook or get yours signed by me sometime during any of those events. I feel like I'm fleeing right after school ends. lol . which is kind of true in a way. I won't be able to see anyone in person [and internet video calls don't count] for a long time. sigh. I should have done this last summer! But it's all good. Anyway, I've started on two longer blogs.. that I'll hopefully be able to post up sometime within the next two to three weeks. =) 

Beautiful Things

this is a beautiful song. just wanted to share it with you guys since i haven't really blogged anything in a while. I want to - I am in the thinking process of the next one, but I have to make some time to write! dahh.. seriously, these exams are taking away my (online) life!


lyrics:


All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new


- Gungor


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OR7VOKQ0xJY

6 More Days, Is It Really Over?

and then i’ll have finished high school for life!

wow. there’s def a lot to miss, but a lot i don’t mind not having again! 

will not miss: 

- the stink, no air con, waking up early every day, dim lights, creepy teachers, dirty washrooms, etc.

will miss: 

- some people, having less homework (compared to uni), having good teachers, being able to be silly and make mistakes without much trouble, being able to procrastinate and do nothing and still do fine. comfortableness in being used to this lifestyle.

okay i’ll really just miss some people =/ but it’s okay. time to move on. & if they’re good friends we’d still be friends no matter the distance!

exhausted

man. i havent blogged in a while. feels like forever. sigh.......

i havent been able to relax and let myself think freely for a while now. i need to focus on exams! eek!

So i finally finished making chapter notes for chemistry - so i know what i need to study, and i looked over and marked down the stuff i still have trouble with. i still have to do some problems and then review those harder ones again.

time to start on physics.

and calc isn't even done yet. i cant wait to see how my teacher is planning to finish a unit in two days.
matricies? something like that. i hope it wont be too hard. there's no test on this unit  but it'll be on the exam. i still have one last unit test before exams. sigh..

i dont think i'll be able to study for eng french or econ. lol. the most i will do is look over charts and graphs and some formulas/equations for econ, but most of it is pretty logical as long as you know what the question is talking about. it's supposed to be common sense but im not sure how much common sense i will have when i do my exam in a stuffy room with no air con in the middle of june, when it is already feeling like 40 degrees celcius. this is crazy.

i hope i dont get one of those bio rooms to write my exam in. they stink. =/  im glad i never took bio. eek.


so im so exhausted. every day is like this.
come home from school. run or take dog out for a walk. shower. practise guitar. eat dinner. study study study. relax (get distracted). do devos. prac some guitar if i still have some time. go to sleep.

i have been late twice this week already. the only day i wasn't late was when it was a late start. i should go to sleep now. dah. i am exhausted!  i can't wait for exams to be over, but at the same time i dont want it to be over because that would mean my highschool life is over. and that would also mean that i have to transition to uni and to my summer in a foreign province. and ahh. okay its not that bad. but i m not ready for such a huge change!! OR AM I?  I'm just going to miss everyone, i guess. even if they wont miss me as much. dahhhhh. what theeeeee?