Prayer Goes a Long Way

Today was a good day. I had an interview that went really well (in my opinion), failed a calculus quiz because I didn't study for it, learned how to do those problems, and caught up on readings. I also got to enjoy some old songs from my ipod that came up and brought back good memories. The day went by pretty slowly so I had ample time to catch up on my studies without feeling the pressure and therefore no stress.

Yesterday was a stressful day. I was trying to prepare myself for today and nothing was ready. I didn't know much about the company or position I was interviewing for, I only understood 1/3 of the material that was going to be on my calculus quiz and I had a load of readings to do if I wanted to stay caught up. The day went by really quickly and it felt like I had so many things to do that were just swarming up on me all at once.

So I panicked and stressed. I didn't feel like doing any work at all and wasn't in the mood to study. I couldn't focus and just wanted to relax. I talked to my friend and we prayed together. Man, prayer really does go a long way.

After we prayed, things were still the same. My tasks didn't magically disappear, nor did I suddenly understand everything that I was learning in calculus. I didn't feel any different either, in the sense that I still just wanted to relax and not do any work. So that's what I did. The only difference was that I felt calm and no longer panicked. I remembered the grand scheme of things; things were put back into perspective, the right priorities were straightened out.

All I did last night was prepare for my interview, read Job and sleep. I forgot about trying to study for my quiz, or trying to catch up on my other courses. I just let it all go. I remembered the value of getting rest and trusting in God's timing of everything. I was so caught up in trying to accomplish everything on my own power that I thought I'd be able to power through the night. But it doesn't work like that. I started my working day later because I decided to bring my friend to a free seminar about Christianity. I felt that it was an important and worthwhile thing for me to do. I then went to get groceries, which was also a necessity as I was running out of food. By the time I got home, I still had a good 4 hours that I could have used to study, but I just couldn't.

It's interesting because I thought that God would help me power through everything I put on my task list just because I took some time out to bring my friend to that course. But I was wrong. God had other plans for me. He knew that I was tired and needed rest. He knew that I was only going to burn myself out and that would have negative impacts on me. So I was reminded of His omnipotence and decided to forget about my calculus quiz, which was only worth 1%, and catch up on my courses later in the week.

Then today happened. Everything went well today, well aside from the quiz - but that doesn't even matter to me. One small quiz, worth 1% means nothing if I learn the material before the midterm, when it really does count. Small sacrifices are necessary sometimes, to reach the greater goal. I was so recharged today and full of energy. Even though I didn't read ahead for some of my courses I had today, I was still able to follow along and didn't fall asleep. I understood what the professors were saying and hence, do not need to read the textbook for that section anymore. The interview went well, and I got caught up.

I'm really blessed to have people in my life who remind me of God's power over time and encourage me to put more trust in Him. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with the amount of tasks that I give myself, that I start getting buried in them and no longer see God. That's when I need to be pulled out of that pile, so I can slowly pick through and work on the tasks from a big-picture perspective, while still being able to see God. I'm learning about stacks and queues in my program analysis course. I need to live my life like a push-down stack, where the first task that comes in is the last task to be completed (FILO), and in between the first and last task, any urgent tasks that come up do not enter the stack at all, and no extra tasks are added into the stack until that urgent task has been completed. When urgent tasks are completed, then tasks continue to be added into the stack until there are no more tasks to push into the stack. Then, we start popping the tasks out one at a time, starting from the most recently added task. Then we work our way to the bottom of the stack, which is usually one of the first few tasks that were assigned.


I talked about a music group that I heard again today earlier in the post. You can listen to them here: H'sao my favourite song of theirs is this song: Sao. Also check this song out. They're a group originating from Chad, who I met and got to listen to live at a street festival in New Brunswick a few years back. I was really happy to have heard them again today because they're such a lively group and I love watching them dance and jam.


Job 29-31 today.

Revolution

Not getting enough of this. Job 28 today.

Revolution - Starfield

If I'm here all alone
If I'm left behind
If they spit in my face
If they hate my kind

I will rise above
I will live for love
I will answer to the call
For the bond between
For the depth unseen
For my God forsake it all

'Cause I'm a fire
I'm a flood
I'm a revolution
I am a war
Already won
I'm a revolution

When the world is at war
When the grace is gone
When the hungry lay dead
While the rich live on

Here I stand
Open hands
Waiting for You
I won't back down
I'll live to speak Your truth

A New Method

So my life revolves around rules, methods, purposes, and goals. I need to know what these things are in order to get anything done right.

Purposes and goals are similar in that they both have motivation. A purpose provides the reason behind why something is being done and gives me excitement and the drive to continue pursuing my end goal.

Rules set boundaries and give me the choice of breaking or following them. This helps me to keep track of whether or not I am doing something the right way. Rules help me compare what I am doing to what should be. Of course, there are always exceptions to rules and some rules need to be broken in order to achieve outstanding results.

Methods are instructions or routines that I follow, or readjust to fit my preferences and the way I work best. I need methods to do something so that it will be more efficient the next time I do the same thing. Repetitive tasks are best done the same way after a suitable method has been found. That way, there is no need to think or waste time planning out the steps - it has become ingrained into my head and flows out naturally.

Goals are what keep me on track. Reaching an end goal one milestone at a time provides a sense of satisfaction in that I am going somewhere, that I am positively stepping towards my end goal. Having an end goal also provides purpose to what I am doing and why I am doing what I am doing.


So I have come up with a new method to do well in my studies this term. This helps after redefining the four things I just talked about; purposes, rules, methods, goals.

Purpose: To pass this term, to gain knowledge necessary for the vision I have been given

Rules: Doing well (60+) on exams, assignments, labs, understanding materials and being able to apply them

Methods: Reading ahead, going to lectures, attending tutorials, compiling concepts & equations, working through sample problems, asking questions, working through assignment problems

Goals: Complete readings, complete assignments, passing term


So this is what I imagine a typical (or some variation of a) week day should look like:
- go to classes (absorb + socialize)
- go to library with classmate (print stuff, work together, ask questions --> work + socialize)
- walk home (exercise + break)
- dinner + some form of entertainment/relaxing/chilling while I eat (socialize + break)
- continue readings and sample problems, work on assignments (work)
- reading Job
- sleep

by socialize, I mean talking/joking with classmates in between classes/learning/studying/sharing a meal
entertainment is probably a show or youtube, social networking, sharing a meal
work means school work and jobmining


yup. here we go. hope this method works....... I need to stay on top of things!! I've seriously been studying 4-5 hours a day for the past two weeks. Totally making up for all the classes I skipped while I was sick at the beginning of the term and with my sleeping in and during classes. Today my classmate sat in the row in front of me while I fell asleep. As I opened my eyes (I forget how I woke up), I saw his face staring at me. I literally jumped in my chair and panicked so hard. -_-  What great classmates I have. Classmates I will never sit near again. Although.. they did help to keep me from sleeping again after that.

Anyway, working extra hard during weekdays means playing extra hard on weekends. If I can do that then maybe my life can start looking a bit more balanced.

Job 25-27 today

Hannover Principles

Glorious - Paul Baloche


I'm currently doing some readings for my design course, which specifically focuses on the relationship between society and technology. As have been previously mentioned in other design courses, the same ethical issues always arise: Is technology beneficial to humans? Should we advance technology?

Well, as someone who is very interested in design and invention, I have asked myself the same questions. How has technology affected society? How can we design things with maximum positive effects and no negative consequences? What about the environment? What is my purpose on Earth and what am I doing to fulfill that purpose?

First, I always believed that the main role for humans living on Earth was to take care of the animals and the earth. As it says in Genesis 1:26-28,

26 Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”

27 So God created mankind in his own image,
    in the image of God he created them;
    male and female he created them.

28 God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”


As God is our ruler and He takes care of us, so should we, as rulers over all the animals, take care of them. But it seems like we haven't been doing a very good job of that. The world has been corrupted by sin and it is evident even in the state of the Earth, let alone the way humans treat each other. One of the fundamental jobs we were tasked with, the only real responsibility God gave us for the Earth, we have failed. Animals are becoming extinct; their habitats being destroyed and taken over by humans. Sure, we have subdued the earth like we were told to, but we haven't done it for the right reasons.

So what does this have to do with design? What does this have to do with technology? As I am learning more and more about the influence of technology on society and the impacts on the environment, I have noticed that something needs to be done. People need to wake up and really see how we have been impacted by technology and how we have been impacting our environment. I am glad that I am studying about this topic, as I feel that it is crucial for designers and engineers to have this in mind when we go off doing our thing.

The Hannover Principles are a collection of 9 guidelines that designers, engineers and inventors should keep in mind and follow when considering technological solutions for our society and environment. The following is a copy-paste version of the Hannover Principles that I have taken from this document (page 6).

I also would like to define the term "Design for Sustainability". We want to be able to create products that will help the earth sustain itself for ages to come. We want our products or technical solutions to "meet the needs of the present without compromising the ability of future generations to meet their own needs", while being "aware of the full short and long term consequences of any transformation of the environment" (page 4).


1. Insist on rights of humanity and nature to co-exist in a healthy, supportive, diverse and sustainable
condition.

2. Recognize interdependence. The elements of human design interact with and depend upon the
natural world, with broad and diverse implications at every scale. Expand design considerations to
recognizing even distant effects.

3. Respect relationships between spirit and matter. Consider all aspects of human settlement
including community, dwelling, industry and trade in terms of existing and evolving connections between
spiritual and material consciousness.

4. Accept responsibility for the consequences of design decisions upon human well-being, the viability
of natural systems and their right to co-exist.

5. Create safe objects of long-term value. Do not burden future generations with requirements for
maintenance or vigilant administration of potential danger due to the careless creation of products,
processes or standards.

6. Eliminate the concept of waste. Evaluate and optimize the full life-cycle of products and processes,
to approach the state of natural systems, in which there is no waste.

7. Rely on natural energy flows. Human designs should, like the living world, derive their creative
forces from perpetual solar income. Incorporate this energy efficiently and safely for responsible use.

8. Understand the limitations of design. No human creation lasts forever and design does not solve a l l
problems. Those who create and plan should practice humility in the face of nature. Treat nature as a
model and mentor, not as an inconvenience to be evaded or controlled.

9. Seek constant improvement by the sharing of knowledge. Encourage direct and open communication
between colleagues, patrons, manufacturers and users to link long term sustainable considerations with
ethical responsibility, and re-establish the integral relationship between natural processes and human
activity.


I posted the song Glorious - by Paul Baloche at the beginning of this post. Part of the chorus goes, "Glorious, my eyes have seen the glory of the Lord. Glorious, He stands above the rulers of the earth." In my interpretation of this song, I feel that Paul is referring to humans as the "rulers of the earth" and God is the one who stands above us. God made us to rule over the earth, so one day when we meet Him at the gates of Heaven, will He tell us that we have done a good job as His servants, the keepers of the earth?


Job 21 & 22 today.

Job 20

I read Job 20 today! Late night! So short post!

I stumbled upon this group called Unspoken. I really like this song, Who You Are

Lyrics:


I know that look you're giving,
Like you've got something to prove
'Cause I have walked for miles and miles
In that same pair of shoes

You refuse forgiveness
Like it's something to be earned
Sometimes pain's the only way that we can learn

You can never fall too hard,
So fast, so far
That you can't get back
When you're lost

Where you are is never too late,
So bad, so much
That you can't change
Who you are, ooo-oooh
You can change who you are, ooo-oooh

You believe in freedom,
But you don't know how to choose
You gotta step out of your feelings
That you're so afraid to lose

And everyday
You put your feet on the floor, you gotta walk through the door
It's never gonna be easy
But it's all worth fighting for

So let the ashes fall wherever they land
Come back from wherever you've been
To the foot of the cross
To the feet of Jesus,
The feet of Jesus

Analyze

My friend introduced me to them, Tim Be Told - Analyze
not bad. =)


Dear friend, please tell me who I am
And start from the inside
Or wait instead, before it's said
All these monsters I couldn't hide
Beneath the bed or in my head
If I was stronger they would've died
But every once in a while I'm terrified

Hey you, could you analyze my state of mind, my state of mind
What did you recognize? What did you find? What did you find?
Better days I've fantasized if I'm satisfied, am I satisfied?
Get rid of this low feeling with soul healing
Get rid of this low feeling with soul healing

Please talk before the clock runs out
And I'm still a mystery
You're not so wise, I apologize
I still care what you think of me
To survive, I criticize other people that I'll never be
The truth is, I bruise too easily

Hey you, could you analyze my state of mind, my state of mind
What did you recognize? What did you find? What did you find?
Better days I've fantasized if I'm satisfied, am I satisfied?
Get rid of this low feeling with soul healing
Get rid of this low feeling with soul healing

Convince me it's alright
That loneliness will subside
My hands tied, surrendered
To all these storms that I've weathered
Are you listening, Whatever
Why is this taking forever
Heal it quick, I don't care how
Just fix me now

Hey you, could you analyze
What did you recognize?
Yeaaaah

Hey you, could you analyze my state of mind, my state of mind
What did you recognize? What did you find? What did you find?
Better days I've fantasized if I'm satisfied, am I satisfied?
Get rid of this low feeling with soul healing
Get rid of this low feeling with soul healing


Job 18&19

Closing in the Gap

So as you might be aware, I have been very behind in my studies and have a lot of other things going on this term! This week I have been inputting large amounts of effort into time management and trying to get my studies up to date. I planned out everything I was going to do for each course during some lectures (that were kind of boring) and I have so far been able to keep up with my own schedule that I've made such that by the end of this week, I'd be caught up. I've been going like mad. I didn't have to cut out all my social activities though.

Here's what my week has looked like so far:

Obligations

Obligations and responsibilities grow as you age. You get older, you have more things to take care of, more things to deal with and decisions to make. I always feel like I have to do something, or I should do something. I always know. I always know how I should be, or what I should be doing. Not in crises or anything like that, but I mean in terms of following the flow of life.

I have this sense of obligation that if I have received something from someone, I would like to give something back to them somehow. Or if someone has taken the time to do something for me or spent time with me, I would feel obliged (and want to) do something nice back for them, or spend more time with them. My friends keep telling me that I should just do what I want to do and to stop forcing myself to do things that I think I should be doing. I have no idea why I am like that. I just feel like I'm not doing 100% if I don't.

If I do something that I care about, then I go at it with all I've got. I put my 100% into it or else I wouldn't feel like it's worth it, or that I made it worth it. I feel like I'm an extremist. I go one way and then something happens and then I go the other way. Maybe I just don't know how to balance. I used to worry a lot about everything. Then many people told me that I thought too much about the "what ifs" and should just do it instead of thinking of all the endless negative possibilities. Then apparently I took that too seriously and didn't care enough, and just thought whatever. Now I'm back on the spectrum more towards worrying more and caring too much. -_-

Life is a cycle. That's why they call it a life cycle, isn't it? I go through life with one attitude, then something changes it, and then the wheel spins and I start attacking life in another attitude. Hopefully one day I can find a balance and not be such a crazy person.

But what is being crazy? It seems like crazy is where all the fun is at. That's where I am right now. I need to be more excited about things, be more passionate about day to day living until I get to where I want to be, where I will be able to do what I feel would be my life goal. Until I get to start working on that, I need to motivate myself somehow and not feel like I'm forcing myself to do something just because I know it's good for me. I should want to do what's good for me and enjoy it. Go riding the waves of excitement...

http://youtu.be/QLQ0C_MSVLY

Job 15, 16, 17


Who knows, maybe I just need to be alone. That's what this term seems to be about. Really taking the time to spend time on my own. Do my own thing, get my life together. Study like mad, get to know my program friends, try to keep my friendships I've made last term. I was told that winter terms were gloomy and suck the happy out of you. Perhaps that is what's happening. I am usually pretty happy and optimistic - not that I'm not right now, but I guess I'm just feeling the blues. Just don't feel like going out there tomorrow and making friends. I feel like tomorrow should be just a day for me to be with me. Tomorrow's an introvert day, but I guess I'll be doing not that. hah.


I watched "The Tourist" today. Good movie, love Johnny Depp.

Reach For the Light

Reach For the Light - Tim Be Told


You cry yourself to sleep while you bury your emotions inside
And dug yourself too deep and a part of you is starting to die
You called out from under the fallout but none of the soldiers could hear a sound
Thinking maybe 'someone will save me' but all of the life boats keep letting you drown

So you tried to save yourself
But they rescued somebody else
Hold tight, it'll be alright
Reach for the light at the edge of the dark

Their words won't break your bones but they'll drive your spirit into the ground
They took their sticks and stones, torch and tearing everything down
No one turned up so you were burned up, stuck in the fire you couldn't put out
Screaming "save me, send down some rain please" hoping the heavens could hear you shout

So you tried to save yourself
But they rescued somebody else
Hold tight, it'll be alright
Reach for the light at the edge of the dark

Be not afraid, be not afraid
Hope is alive, hope is alive
Hope is alive, hope is alive

Hold tight, it'll be alright
Reach for the light at the edge of the dark

Job 12, 13, 14

"Research" Shows...

One of my past co-workers posted this link today and I thought it was pretty funny. It's an article about some studies that were made (credibility unknown??) between 6 different programs and disciplines and they came to the conclusion that engineering students (excluding computer engineering) are "cold and dead inside", and "don't care what anyone thinks" or are "flinty and unfeeling".

Well then...

Home Sweet Home

Coming back to my home church this weekend was just something I really needed. Even though I've been gone and away for so long and randomly come back every now and then, my church family always welcomes me back with open arms and treats me as if I had never left. I love them and miss them dearly.

I got to meet up with my mentor finally, and we had dinner and talked for 4 hours, catching up with each other and sharing about how God has been working in our lives. We had Greek food, which I love and it was so yummy!!!

Then after the service at church today, my brothers called me and found me to go with them on their routine coffee run. I was so warmed by the gesture; that they called me and came to find me just to go with them even though I'm usually not around to go with them. We still joked around with each other and fought over siting in the front seat like we used to. I was just so happy that they missed me too and wanted to spend those 45 mins with me to catch up on our lives and get food/coffee.

Then after Sunday school, the younger girls that I used to lead worship with and fellowship with came up to me and we started chatting again. I really missed them and was so glad that they were also happy to see me. I wish I had more time to catch up with them all deeply, but I was restrained by time. However, I am glad to see and hear from them, and it seems like they are doing well and are growing!!

Even though I feel that my home will be in Waterloo for a few more years, I am very thankful to have my home church family to still be here for me and that I can feel joyful with when I come home.

Job 6&7

A Change is Gonna Come

Originally by Sam Cooke, but this one is sung by Lauryn Hill

I was born by the river in a little tent
Oh and just like the river I've been running ever since
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

It's been too hard living but I'm afraid to die
'Cause I don't know what's up there beyond the sky
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

I go to the movie and I go downtown
Somebody keep telling me, "Don't hang around"
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

Then I go to my brother
And I say, "Brother, help me please"
But he winds up knockin' me
Back down on my knees


Oh there been times that I thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will



There will always be hard times in life. Things will change and there will take some adapting to. We need to carry on and not let these things stop us from living, but rather strengthen us and prepare us for what's to come. We can be sad for the moment, but there's also time where we just have to move on and accept the new circumstances. It seems like I might be losing something very dear to me, but I still see hope in that it might not have to happen. It hasn't sunk in yet. But if it were to happen, I guess I just have to accept and adapt.


Job 5:8-16


"But if I were you, I would appeal to God;
    I would lay my cause before him.
  He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed,
    miracles that cannot be counted.
    He provides rain for the earth;
    he sends water on the countryside.
   The lowly he sets on high,
    and those who mourn are lifted to safety.
   He thwarts the plans of the crafty,
    so that their hands achieve no success.
   He catches the wise in their craftiness,
    and the schemes of the wily are swept away.
   Darkness comes upon them in the daytime;
    at noon they grope as in the night.
   He saves the needy from the sword in their mouth;
    he saves them from the clutches of the powerful.
   So the poor have hope,
    and injustice shuts its mouth."

Job 3&4

Didn't read it last night so I read it this morning.

Ch 3 is Job complaining and wondering why he is still alive, why God has kept him alive while he's experiencing so much pain and sadness; when all the things he loved were all taken away from him. Why had he not died yet?

Ch 4 is Kob's friend responding to him. He says to Job that God wiped away all the people who did bad things and were evil in their hearts. I think he's basically telling him that Job is still alive and hasn't been struck by God yet because he has been good in God's eyes and hasn't done anything evil. So he doesn't deserve to die yet.

So Behind

in school!!!

This post is just about my courses and notes to myself on how to do well in each one of them. So don't keep reading if this will bore you.

This term I tried to get all my assignments and studying done during the weekdays so I could have time to play on the weekends, but I got sick during the first week and the profs already started to pile on the work. So it looks like I won't be able to do that until I get caught up.

Physics: Every school term I realize the same thing; I need to read the textbook and do sample problems for physics BEFORE trying to attempt the assignment problems. But I never do that. I always just skip to the assignment and try to complete it without "wasting time" reading the textbook and reviewing / actually understanding what I'm trying to do. Silly me. Only crazy people do the same thing multiple times while expecting different results.
Strategy: read chapter ahead of time. go to class. seriously. do textbook examples, then try assignment problems

Calculus: For calculus I don't understand the prof in class because of his accent and he his notes are everywhere. So I have to wait until the tutorial for the TA to clearly state the steps and explain what we're doing. Too bad the TA only does this right before our weekly quizzes such that I usually just barely understand enough from the TA's review to do the quiz... and even then I only get half of the questions. I guess the strategy for this would be to try and understand the assignment and then use the TA's review as a confirmation or to get hints on how to solve things faster. Then I can do well on the quizzes (although they aren't worth much) and then understand everything for the exams.
Strategy: go to class. ask questions. do assignment problems. go to tutorials. review quiz solutions.

Programming: For this programming course, we're learning Java, but I missed the first tutorial on the code, so I hope I won't be too lost. It seems similar to previous languages I've learned, so it should be ok. However, we're learning about data structures and algorithms as well, to be able to have or analyze programs to see if they are efficient and good... strange and abstract concepts so I'm not sure how they're going to test us on this...
Strategy: read textbook. go to class.

Materials Chemistry: So far seems pretty much just memorization of properties and knowing a few calculations. Doesn't seem too hard. I just need to get a printer or find a way to cheaply print out the slides since the prof leaves some parts blank so that we pay attention in class... I thought we were in university... CHEM SO RUSTY!! Haven't touched this stuff in a year and I feel like I need to look back at my grade 12 chem notes... oh my...
Strategy: read textbook. print slides. go to class & fill out slides. do assignments.

Design: So far it's just pretty much like common sense, or remembering concepts and terminology. There's this book I have to read about how technology and society affect one another... some parts are interesting, others aren't.
Strategy: read textbook. go to class.

I need to start sleeping earlier like a regular person so that I can wake up and go to my morning classes. Every morning I wake up and I ask myself, "What class do I have? Can I learn the material on my own? Will I make it on time? Should I even bother?" the answer: GO TO CLASS

AHHHH!!!! if i want to pass this term and do well (80+) I really need to go to class. all of them. The only thing is that my profs are kind of hard to understand and boring... and I tend to fall asleep... but being there is better than doing nothing and lazing around... at least there's a chance I can learn something! + it will make it easier for me when I do my reviews later since I'll remember some things.

I'm starting to read Job today. The introduction tells me to read one speech by Job or a speech by Job and the response from a friend at one time. So if the chapters don't align with the speeches, then I'll just mark it down here so I know where I left off.

Job 1&2 today, they provide the background for the rest of the book.

Healer

Healer - Kari Jobe

You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

I trust in You
I trust in You

I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

Finished Esther today! Going to start Job tomorrow =)

Be Strong

"You will never influence the world by trying to be like it."

Don't know who said that, but it wasn't me.


Sometimes it's so easy to just go along with what everyone says and agree with them, or sit idly by. Sometimes it is important to speak up and stand up for what is right and what you believe in. The hard part is knowing when to do what. In this messed up world, it's so hard to see when other people are right and when you are right - especially when you are the only one that everyone is ganging up on. But if you just agree with them then you will never be able to change anyone's perspectives, or get them to think about things in a way that might actually be the right way.

I tried to forget the past. I tried to just wipe everything clean from my memory and forget all the hurtful things that this person has done to me. I thought I could just do that, without reconciling the issues first and just dropping the whole thing. But life doesn't work like that. My mind doesn't work like that. Even if I tried really hard to just forget about what happened, I would only be asking myself why I dropped it in the first place and build up more bitterness toward this person in the future. It's like noticing that there's a pebble in my shoe, but not taking it out because I'm too lazy or because I'm going to settle for kicking the pebble around my shoe before putting my foot on the ground.

Forgetting isn't forgiving. Instead of trying to avoid the conflict and sweep it under the rug, the only way a relationship can get better is by talking about it and actively working on trying to make things better. Reconciliation must happen - both parties have to be open and honest about what happened and really make the effort to love and understand each other. There is no running away and trying to avoid difficult situations. You will run into them, and you will learn. That is the only way to move forward. It's like playing a game; you can't skip to the next level without gaining enough experience required to move on. That task or challenge has to be overcome and completed to be able to level up. You need to make peace with the conflict, to resolve it so that your relationship can be mended and so your friendship can continue.

Anyway, what I learned was that sometimes there are people and things you just can't confide in and talk about. Even if you need help. That's hard because some of the people you're used to talking to or usually go to for advice don't always know what to say and aren't perfect. They make mistakes too and may accidentally or unintentionally slip out things that could be used negatively if heard by the wrong ears. It is better to only be involved with those who are involved and to seek advice carefully and with prudence. Sometimes sharing too much about something to someone will only make things worse because they are the wrong person to share that to, even if you intend for it to be in confidence. Sometimes the only being you can trust is God. When everyone is against you, or when you don't know who to turn to; that's when you have to be strong, that's when you have to realize that you can not be strong on your own and that you can only rely on God to give you the strength to carry on and do what is right and good.

God places people in our lives to help and encourage us, but sometimes these people won't do that for you because God wants you to seek Him directly in all circumstances. So He will remind you that He was the one who planted these people in your life, but He also wants you to know that He is ultimately the one we should look to in everything, as He is the only one who knows best.

Holy is Our God - Starfield

Esther 8 today.

He's Got Your Back

Understanding the importance of why something happened and what the purpose of it was is something that I tend to think about a lot. If I don't understand the purpose of something, then I probably won't do it. It's not always easy to understand why something has to be done, or why things happened a certain way. I feel that it is always important to accurately define the purpose of something in order to be able to extract 100% out of it. Everything has a purpose and sometimes if that purpose is misunderstood, bad things can happen. You don't expect it to do something but it does, or you expect too much and it doesn't happen. Or maybe that thing doesn't fulfill its duties at all, depending on what you thought its purpose was.

Although it is very helpful to know the purpose of something, it is not always possible to know. For example, it is not possible to fully define my purpose for living. There are so many things I could be here to accomplish. I could be here to help a friend learn something, to build something, or to be food for some worms when my body is buried. Sometimes I might not even see that there was a purpose behind a daily  routine, or a simple task. But what I see is that something good always comes out of everything. Terrible things might happen to you but maybe that will teach you a lesson and help you to grow stronger, or avoid certain mishaps in the future. Friends you once had might not be with you anymore but the memories and things they taught you will remain part of you. You might fail an exam, or a course, only to discover that maybe you should be in a different program. I think that once you realize the true purpose and worth of something; an experience, a friend, a coworker, a device, you will learn to be happy with where you are and with what situation you are currently in. The only catch is that you probably won't be able to see the true purpose of an experience until it's already over - and even then, with much thoughtful reflection. Then you realize that, hey - no matter what I think the purpose of something was for and whether or not that's what happened, God's got a purpose for everything and that always works out. And that moment, the moment that you realize what God's purpose for that thing or experience and how good it was just creates an unstoppable joy in my heart. There is no end to how amazingly loving God is and how much He wants to show me that He can be trusted!

Whom Shall I Fear - Chris Tomlin

Esther 5, 6 & 7 today. It also has an interesting turnabout of something that happened to a man who misunderstood the true purpose of something. This was described in chapter 7. I know I read an extra chapter but the way Esther was written is so captivating that I didn't even notice until now!

Haman, one of king Xerxes' officials built a gallows that was about 23 meters high, thinking that he was going to hang Mordecai, a Jew, on it. Instead, the king found out that Haman was an evil man, who tried to annihilate all the Jews (including Queen Esther) and he was angry. He saw the gallows Haman had built, knew the purpose for which Haman had it built, and decided to hang Haman on it. What an unfortunate turnabout for Haman, who ultimately suffered from not knowing what the gallows were really going to be used for. For him, maybe nothing good came out of the gallows he built, but for the Jews who were God's chosen people, they were saved from the hands of an evil man. 

Doom to Gloom

Today was a gloomy day. It rained a lot and wasn't very sunny. I also didn't sleep last night as you can tell from my previous post. So that was a great start to my day. Anyway, today was good. Despite the fact that I wasn't feeling well (still sick), and I was overly exhausted, I still felt some joy inside of me. Not at first, but during the praise time at church I feel that God really spoke to me, and reminded me that He is always in control.

Sovereign - Chris Tomlin

Sometimes it feels like things that I've planned aren't going they way they seem like they should be going, or things that I thought were good things suddenly don't seem so good anymore. But the beauty in these situations is knowing the secret to still being happy and that secret I'll share with you - as it is something good we should all have in mind; even though you want what you think is good, if God doesn't give it to you, it only means that He has something even better planned for you than what you thought. It's like God is saying, "You think that's good?" when you show him a straight flush you have in your hands. Then He winks at you and says, "No, I want you to have this instead!"  - and He shows you a royal flush. What an awesome God and promise is that to hold on to? You see the rain and clouds now, but just you wait - the rainbow will soon show itself.


Lyrics:

Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm

Sovereign in my greatest joy
In my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn

In your everlasting arm
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you

In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

All my hopes

All I need

Held in your hands

All my life

All of me

Held in your hands

I just found this blog post, seems relevant.

Also, I read Esther 3 and 4 today. I admire her braveness when she says, "[...] I will go to the king, even though it is against the law. And if I perish, I perish." (Esther 4:16 NIV)

Sleepless Night

Have you ever had one of those sleepless nights where you just lie there and think about all your past experiences and remember all those crazy things you’ve done? I couldn’t even believe some of the things I’ve done at that age in time; what was I thinking? I was such a crazy child, and to this day I still think I’m kind of crazy. But you know, I think it’s rare nights like these that I really get to reminisce about all the little and big moments I’ve had, leading up to where I am now. There are some things that I cant believe I did, and some things that seem like they were only part of a dream; but they were real and they happened. Man, it’s so crazy thinking about all that has happened in almost 20 years!! What the what?! Anyway, I think I just learned a lot more about myself and I’m just so happy to be where I am right now and to see where God will take me! Here’s to more crazy adventures!!

Always Be Inviting

Invitations. You never know what could happen when you open up invitations to everybody. Maybe somebody you didn't think you were friends with would accept that invitation - out of the blue. Maybe it seems random to me, but to them maybe they see me in a different way, or maybe they see friendship in a different way. But what I learned today is to always be inviting. No matter what you think your relationship with that other person might be, if they are willing to accept an invitation or if they are inviting you to something, maybe it's a bad idea to refuse. Perhaps you could become better friends, or perhaps you will both realize that maybe you guys don't make such good friends after all. But I have a good feeling about this, and I think that it is not good to have a hard heart at the beginning. Being open to new things and friends might just open up another door to opportunities in the future. This is turning into an interesting term indeed...


If only I could play guitar like this guy...

Oh man... to add to today's post.. Nothing brings a bigger smile to my face than talking to friends; old and new, and seeing how they're doing, playing with them, and seeing everybody's personalities at work. Ah, what a wonderful thing to see friends interacting with each other and joking with each other, lovingly, of course. What a beautiful day. I ended up staying home all day since I was still pretty sick, but being home doesn't mean being alone and sad!




Sometimes I forget to make friends and to not push people away. It's just not really my thing, meeting new people, trying to be their friend... You'd think I'd know by now... but... life of an introvert, yo.  But then when I think about it, I'm not really an introvert. lol, but I don't think I should try to categorize myself like that. I'm probably just human.

Sorry if this post seems so random and hard to follow and everywhere. Being sick takes a toll on my brain. I spend a lot more time at the mall trying to remember what I was looking for, and then I have a hard time concentrating on anything, and then who knows what I'm saying...

I like this new album from Chris Tomlin. Check it out here!

I also tried really hard to do some work today and catch up on courses that I missed because I was sick. It didn't work. I looked at one question and then "tried" to "work on it" for the longest time. I think I should just give up and do it tomorrow. Be diligent....tomorrow. hahaahahaha... 

Reading Esther1&2 tonight

Rooting for the Underdog

This is the last thing I'm going to do for you. Honestly, it feels like I'm the only one that cares or tries. I can't take it anymore, it has gone on for too long. I need to clear this from my system and just it over with. I'm going to do one last thing, and if it doesn't work then I'm going to move on and forget about it.

Do you believe in forgiveness and change? I sure hope so. Sometimes I feel like I am too optimistic for my own good. I hold onto a hope that something good will always come out of everything. I always believed that there was a bit of good in everyone and that you just have to dig around and be there to see it. Maybe that's where I'm wrong. Maybe that's why I get so frustrated and so disappointed in people - because I expect too much, because I hope that they will change, or are good, deep down somewhere.

The only thing left for me to do is just to forgive. That's what following Christ is all about anyway, isn't it? Christ has forgiven us for our sins so that we can be clean and come in the presence of God. So if that is what I believe, then doesn't that mean I should also forgive those who have hurt me? Even if they don't accept it, or don't want to reconcile with me, the least I can do is say that I've done my part and really tried and did everything in my power to try and fix things. It'll just be really sad for me if that's all that happens, but what can I do?

Unchain My Heart - Ray Charles

Acts 27 & 28...... Acts complete!

The Ball is Rolling

It's only been the first week of school and I am already super pumped for what's to come this term! So many incredible opportunities have come up and so many ideas area forming in my head and in the heads of those around me! I can't wait to see what God has in store for my brothers and sisters this term and I see very big and bright things happening!

I feel like this term I've been called to be more involved with the people in my community and with the people in my class. I really see this going in a really good direction, and I see hope! I may have been thinking too far ahead in the past while, but I am starting to see things forming for this term. I see many groups that are starting up that I want to be part of, and that I want to help lead. I have such strong desires for certain things that I am 100% sure that this is what God wants for me. The only thing I'm slightly worried about is time management. I really need to step it up and manage my time properly. Putting God above school doesn't mean that I forget about studying. Being in the program I am in is a blessing from God and it would be very wasteful if I didn't try my best to do well in my courses. That being said, I still need to put God as a priority, because God is the centre of it all. If I am in tune with God, then He can lead me and show me the way, I will be able to handle doing school and all these other groups that are coming up. I feel really prepared and ready to get this party started.

I'm being more involved and active! This is new and scary, but really fun and makes me really happy and excited for more!

Son of God - Starfield 

Chorus:


You are worthy
You are worthy
You are worthy of all my praise

You are beautiful
You are beautiful
I will lift up my hands and sing


Acts 25&26 today!

Use Your Voice

Staying silent is not always the best thing to do in certain situations. I feel that I have been passive and silent for too long. This is something that has been tugging at me for a while - why don't I use my voice? Why am I afraid to speak up?

Today a classmate of mine challenged me to be more vocal. I had hoped that this person would be able to do all of the talking, and I'd just give suggestions on what to say, but I was poked back at and I realized that I need to stop relying on other people's strengths and get some of my own. I am placed here for a reason and I should make use of my situation. I feel like I have been too shy to speak up because I keep telling myself that I am too small to make a difference, too small to make a change, too small for anyone to listen to. But that is not true. I have a voice and I have a duty to help my fellow brothers and sisters when they are in need. So He has called, I must trust and not be afraid to step up and answer.

Ordinary Life - Starfield

If You Want Me To

If You Want Me To - Ginny Owens

Classes have just started and already God is keeping me busy. Something came up today and so for the first time, I talked to a bunch of my fellow brothers in Christ who are also my class to discuss some of the issues that came up. I am glad that they were open to listen to me and provided their support. I have been pretty passive in terms of trying to spread the Gospel to my classmates, but it seems that an opportunity has sprung up and I'm not the only one who sees this. I have some brothers who feel the same way, so I am not alone. I never thought that I'd be able to bond with these people and work with them, but I guess there's a time for everything. This is going to be a very interesting term. Scary, but I feel like it's going to be a very fun ride.


Acts 21&22

That Cracked Bowl

I have an obsession. Sometimes it can be a good thing, but sometimes it can be very deadly. I have an unhealthy obsession with fixing things. I realized that I can be very easily distressed or feel very unsettled if something is broken, or if there is an unsolved issue.

I am naturally a problem solver. A problem can stay with me for a long time, like a thorn in my side, constantly alerting me that something needs to be done. I need to fix it. I need to find a solution. I need things to be right again. I think that's why I'm having such a hard time letting go of people in my life. It used to be good. That's how things always start. You buy a bowl and it's perfectly round. But after a while it gets cracks in it, and you have to throw it out because it is no longer useful and will only take up space in your shelf. You can't use the bowl anymore, and you can't fix it. You just need to toss it out to make room for a new bowl.

That's what I need to do, but I can't seem to do it. Although this person has hurt me and doesn't seem to want to do anything about it or fix our relationship, something is still holding me back. Friendship requires the active participation of both people, and in this case, I'm the only one that's still participating. Sometimes it's okay to leave things broken because they can not be fixed. Maybe one day this person will decide to participate again, and I will not refuse them, but it may take a while.

I just need some space. Some time to heal and ask God to help me. I can only change myself, and the best thing for me to do right now is to just let go and let God take over. I'm not the potter that made the bowl, nor do I have the tools to fix it. So I should just take the bowl, and put it aside, maybe I won't throw it out, but I'll leave it outside. I need to learn when to try to fix things, and when trying is not the best solution. Sometimes the solution is to just let it be.

I thought that I had mostly friends that are males, but I feel like that's not really true. I look and I realize that I have avoided being friends with females because I always ended up hanging out with the ones that end up hurting me. Maybe that's also why I wanted to be a boy. Boys were just easier to be around and didn't cause so much emotional turmoil and drama. I didn't want to be one of those people who caused so much pain to others, but I shouldn't discriminate between genders. Everyone is capable of hurting someone else and maybe I've only known the females that hurt me so I think that all females are like that. Then I have to hope that I'm not and then it gets messy. Maybe I should just make space for a new bowl, some new friends that will treat me well and not hurt me. I have recently started to know some really nice and cool female friends, and perhaps I just need to be more open to letting them into my life. Sometimes it's good to throw away the things that don't help us grow and make space for other good things.

Acts 19&20 read. 

Know Your Worth

I am super inspired today. This woman (Dr. Rev. Tam) came to my church to preach about the role of women and why we were created. Her sermon and discussion afterward really spoke to me because for the longest time, I have been struggling about my identity as a female and wrestled with why God made me one. I always wanted to be a boy. Before you start thinking that I've gone crazy and that I'm a weirdo, please read me out.

Since the fall of mankind (from God's perfect garden of Eden), men have always had some sort of dominant role over women. Over time, society has ingrained in us that women are inferior to men, and have no place of authority or power. We weren't allowed to work, we were seen as lowly creatures, even inferior to dogs. It was only recently (relatively speaking), that women have started to gain some sort of respect from men and begun to realize that we are not worthless creatures that serve only to please men. Instead, we were also made in God's image, at the same time as men were (Genesis 1:27), equally given the role to name animals and dominate the Earth and rule over the animals (Genesis 1:28).

Then things get interesting when Adam and Eve sin. In Genesis 3:5, Satan is speaking to Eve (who, by nature, is better at communicating between her and Adam) when he says, "For God knows that when you eat of [the forbidden fruit] your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil". So why did Eve eat the fruit? Because she wanted to be like God. Life in the garden of Eden was good and peaceful. Adam and Eve only knew of God's love, and of the good things that existed. They had no concept of death, or punishment. This was the perfect trap Satan had set up for Adam and Eve. He knew what they didn't know, and took advantage of the fact that they wanted to be like God (since they loved Him so much).

So why do people blame Eve (and all women) for being the root of all evil, or the one responsible for the pain and suffering (separation from Christ, not being able to live with God) that the rest of us have to endure?  Because they only see that Eve was talking to Satan. Because she ate the fruit first. But if we look carefully at Genesis 3:6, it says that, "[...] she took [the fruit] and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it". So Adam was there the whole time. He heard the whole dialogue between Satan and Eve, heard Eve being tempted - and he didn't say anything! He didn't tell Satan to go away, or protect Eve from him. He just let them be, and he took the fruit and ate it too, because he also wanted to be like God, whom he loved. But there's more... in verse 7 it says, "Then the eyes of both of them were opened". This was after both Adam and Eve ate the fruit. They were so in tune with each other that they had to sin together for anything to happen. Nothing happened after Eve alone ate the fruit. Their eyes were opened at the same time, right after Adam ate it too.

So from this in depth analysis that Dr. Rev. Tam explained today,  it shows that men and women were both equally responsible for the fall of mankind, and that we are both equally responsible for ruling over the animals of the earth and have a significant purpose in life. This was the first sermon out of six, in this series of discovering women's roles. She's going to go through some controversial verses and explain them in her perspective, as well as looking into the roles of women in the Bible. I am really interested and can't wait to hear more.

I spoke with her today, after our group discussion, and that's when I realized how much God was speaking to me through her. I realized that for my whole life, I had been either wishing that I had been born a boy, wondering and questioning God why He made me the way He had chosen to, and trying to fight against the societal "norms" of how women should behave. I wanted to be able to do things and prove that I was capable of doing things that boys were able to do. I enjoyed playing sports like hockey, and wanted to learn how to fight. I also found myself to be really interested in hobbies that men were more dominant in, like fixing and building things. I even took courses like architecture, tech, and learned to fix cars. I'm in engineering.

All of these things were things that I loved, and were interested in, but part of me wanted to do it also because I wanted to prove to the world that women could be just as capable. I had wondered for ages if I what I wanted to do was really what God had planned for me. Maybe I was supposed to be a boy but something went wrong when I came out? But as much as I thought I was supposed to be a boy, and tried to act like one, everyone around me still treated me like a girl. And they were right to do so, because I was one. I just didn't really want to believe it. It's kind of sad, now that I think about it. That I didn't want to be who God made me to be, and tried to be somebody else. Why would I do that. I was so caught up and believed the things that the world was telling me - that girls couldn't wrestle and become engineers, that I didn't see the truth. I didn't see what God was trying to tell me this whole time - that He loves me and made me exactly the way He wanted me to be.

He made me stubborn and knew that I could be strong, if only I looked to Him. He knew that I was worth something, in this patriotic society. God made me a female and planned for me to be in engineering. He has been and still is shaping me, through every experience. I am slowly lifting the curtain that Satan has put up from my eyes and really seeing exactly what God had intended. Satan keeps trying to stop me. He keeps trying to make me feel unworthy, like I am nothing. He keeps trying to hinder me so that I am unable to do God's work and really fulfill my role and purpose on Earth. I can't believe I bought into it for all these years, but I am glad that God has shown me, after all my experiences; that I am female and there's nothing to be ashamed of. He has shown me that I don't need to be capable. I just need to be willing and God will be my strength. I need to embrace who I am and who God made me to be in order to fully participate in this great mission God has included me in.

Anyway, I know that this is a controversial topic; the outlook on women in leadership and their role in the kingdom, but I hope you can understand from my experience where I am coming from and why I believe the things I do. God has really been speaking to me and this was just one of the really big things that I've come to learn and realize. Today's talk with this woman really inspired me to want to empower other women around me who may share similar feelings as I do - about our worth in terms of how men treat us and how society views us. I think after really digesting what this woman has said to me and what God has been trying to show me, I feel so much more free. I don't feel bound by societal norms, and know that I shouldn't be influenced by how other people think or feel I should behave. I can't go on doing God's work if I don't believe that I'm worth something, because that would mean that my God doesn't love and value me like He claims to. It's just too fundamental a thing to not believe - that women are equally responsible for leading others to Christ, and that women are equally valued as men are in God's eyes.


Check out these two songs:

All I Need is You - Hillsong

A Woman's Worth - Alicia Keys


Read Acts 17 & 18 today!

U12 Part 4: We Are Poor

A lot of people equate being poor with having no money, but poor actually means to lack something. It became clear to me during Urbana that I'm actually poor too. Although I live in a house, and have the luxury of getting an education, eating whatever I want, and have a pet, I realize that I am lacking in ways that money can not fix.

During one of the seminars I went to, somebody (sorry I forgot who) made a point that many of us are actually poor in our relationships. What does he mean? He means that people don't have a wide variety of friends. For example, most of my friends are like me; Asian, middle-class, and from the city. I don't have many friends from other ethnic backgrounds, who come from high or low class families, or are from the country. I don't know a lot of different people, or cultures, or living styles. How can I relate and spread the gospel to people who are different from me if I don't know anyone different from me? If I have no experience interacting with these people, I won't be able to understand them.

 Tony Chen in this video I shared previously also points out that I am poor in the way that I don't experience the dependence on God everyday, don't have a tight knit community with the people in my neighbourhood, and I don't make the most out of each day and my relationships because I don't know if I'll make it to the next day. Tony even says that he feels so poor that he's jealous of these people. Although they don't have money, they have much more in other ways. It's a sad realization to think that westerners think we're rich and can be satisfied with money and luxuries, but in reality we're really missing out on the more important things. The things that really matter are things that we take for granted and just toss aside. We have become so obsessed with money and possessions that we no longer see the need for God, close community, and we take living for granted. Maybe that's why so many "rich" people still feel empty at the end of the day. They know that something is missing.

I hope that I will always be able to keep this in mind. As Tony said, "poverty comes in all shapes and sizes". In what ways are you poor?

Solution - Hillsong

I spent most of the day in worship today, just playing the guitar and piano. Something I haven't done in a long time. I hope I will be able to make time for more worship this term even with school. I really need to make sure that I don't get sidetracked by school and forget about all that I've been learning and growing with God. I need to keep up with reading Scripture and prayer, and hopefully small group! Wow, I can't believe a new term is starting in just two days!!!! Anyway, this is a song that I came across today in my worship binder. I think it really resonates with what's been on my mind lately, with so much talk about people who are in need and about trying to make a difference in their lives, to be a light to those who live in darkness.




I read Acts 15 and 16 today! 

You Have Me

You Have Me - Gungor


Out on the farthest edge
There in the silence
You were there

My faith was torn to shreds
Heart in the balance
And You were there

Always faithful, always good
You still have me
You still have my heart

I thought I had seen the end
Everything broken
But You were there

I've wandered at heaven's gates
I've made my bed in hell
You were there still

Always faithful, always good
You still have me
You still have my heart

You have me, You have me
You have my heart completely
You have me, You have me
You have my heart completely


Another thing I have noticed about myself is that I try to change myself or do things to fit the needs (or what I think are the needs) of others. I see that someone feels a certain way, and it makes me want to do something about it to change how they feel. For example, if I see that someone looks lonely or feels left out, I feel like I should approach that person and keep them company. This may seem like a good thing in the beginning because they're not lonely anymore, but then it makes me question myself - why? Do I just want to make myself feel like a good person? If I don't really care about this person, wouldn't the way I conduct myself when talking and interacting them show that I'm not there 100%? Wouldn't that person feel more hurt that someone else saw that they were lonely and felt "pity" for them? How embarrassing is that? I wouldn't want someone to talk to me because they thought I looked lonely, or because they thought that I had no friends.

I need to reevaluate why I do things. I shouldn't do things just because I feel like that person needs it, I shouldn't try to fill in all the cracks in other people's lives. What I should be doing, is changing myself to fit the needs of the lost people who don't know Jesus and be the light that I am called to be in this world of darkness. I need not worry about how I can make someone else feel better. I need to worry about how I can become the person that God had intended for me to be, and be someone that can bring others to know God. Only then will I be able to help other people without making it worse. If I want to help and not harm, I need to learn how to be a helper and know where my focus should really be at.


I read Acts 13 and 14 today!

U12 Part 3: Speaking to an Impatient, Stubborn Heart

One of the great things about Urbana is that they look for people who have ideas and are interested in starting their own thing. This "thing" could be a campaign, a club, or a business. They want to see what people are thinking about starting and want to support them. With this in mind, I went to the place where I could tell my ideas to the people who ran that workshop and get some advice and answers to some of the questions I had. I knew that my vision was going to be a long term one but I still wanted to be prepared and make sure that my idea was feasible. Please bear with me while I be vague in the rest of this post as I do not want to explain my idea... as it is a business idea, I don't want to have anything leak onto the internet until I am ready for it to happen.

I found the guy that I wanted to talk to but he was about to partake in a presentation, so I was asked to wait until it was over before I could discuss about my idea. I waited 15 minutes and then we sat down to talk. For the first two minutes, he listened intently as I explained my ideas. After he thought he knew where I was going, he interrupted me and just gave me some generic response. He then continued to suggest and "advise" me on things that I hadn't asked for (because I already knew them) and thus added to my frustration. Then we noticed that there was an older man who was waiting on the side to speak to him, and the guy I was talking to started to stand up with a conclusive, "So does this answer your question?". I was really disappointed and I felt that he had been rude to me. I hadn't finished explaining my idea and it seemed like he didn't care. What if I hadn't finished asking my questions? In fact, he didn't even answer one of my bigger questions. I felt that I had been cheated of my time - I waited 15 minutes for a 5 minute talk with some guy who didn't even give me his full attention. It felt like he was looking down upon my idea and thought that I wasn't ready to know the answer to my question, so he told me to do something else instead. I was so disappointed in him because I thought that he could have put more effort into talking to me as I did request time from him previously, and because that's what he was supposed to be there for.

But as much as I was frustrated with the response I got from him (or lack of one), I realized that what the guy had told me was true and still helpful even if the way he delivered it felt rude and not what I wanted to hear. What he told me to do instead of my idea (which was something in the long term), was to start something in the short term. To go for a simpler task that is closer to home. He didn't say this part but I recon that he wanted me to do this because it will give me the experience I need to accomplish my long term goal and will show me if I am capable and have what it takes to take on this kind of vision. If it works in the short term, that's great. If not, I would still have gained valuable experience and I can keep trying or look for something else to do.

Perhaps it was better that he was rude to me and that there was someone else waiting to talk to him or else I would have persisted and kept trying to fight him on his suggestion. I would have probably tried to logically reason him into thinking the way I did so that I could feel right about my own thoughts and plan of action. Then it would have been embarrassing if he said something to put me down further. So I guess that him being rude by standing up and getting ready to end our conversation was the best way to convey to me that there is no short cut and that I need to focus on the now, rather than doing nothing until the time comes to start my long term goal. At least he did answer one of my most critical questions - which was if there was a need for what I wanted to do, and his answer was yes. Although he didn't answer my question that related to my long term vision, I'm sure that I can get this answer from another source when the time comes that I need that answer. Sometimes I just need to be patient and not get ahead of myself. I need to focus on what I can do now, and not what I will do too far down my future.

In the end, this conference has strengthened what I believe to be my "calling". I gained a lot of information from the seminars I went to, and even found out that someone else I knew had the same vision as I did. It's incredible because a speaker at a seminar I went to told us that many people ask God for "signs" to show them that this is what He wants them to do. But that is very irrational and can be biased and skewed. What we should do instead, is use our brains that God gave us and discern with the information we know, the experiences we've had, the skills we currently possess or are working on, and match them with opportunities that arise. If all of these things are present, then that is a clear indication that we are on the right track. God isn't going to send somebody who has no musical background or knowledge to lead worship, nor does He expect to you move to Africa if He doesn't provide an opportunity for you to do so. For me, this conference has shown that what I have in mind right now and what I have come up with so far seems to match up with my skills and abilities, the knowledge I currently possess and will continue to gather, and some opportunities have already come up that match what I want to do. As the speaker said, "you don't need a calling to do work for God. Everybody is supposed to be working to spread the gospel and you just need to do it in your own way (with your abilities, opportunities, etc). "


If you have time, please check out the video at this link. It was sent to me by a friend, and possible future business partner. It's a sneak peek into what I am interested in.

U12 Part 2: Becoming Wounded Healers

"Nobody escapes being wounded. We all are wounded people, whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. The main question is not 'How can we hide our wounds?' so we don't have to be embarrassed  but 'How can we put our woundedness in the service of others?' When our wounds cease to be a source of shame, and become a source of healing, we have become wounded healers."

- Henri Nouwen

What a lovely quote I stumbled upon in this book called Breaking The Rules, in the third chapter titled "Beauty in Brokenness". I think the author of the book is Fil Anderson. There are a lot of other points from this chapter that I will quote from or refer to, so hopefully this is good enough not to violate any copyright laws as that is not my intention.

One of the aspects of Urbana that I really enjoyed was something called "roommate huddles". This was where you got together with a few people, usually in groups of 4 or 5 to reflect about the day together. I liked this because it gave me the opportunity to hear different perspectives and also share mine, all the while processing my thoughts of the day as I speak and listen. My group dynamic was interesting. I was in a group with someone I had known for almost half my life, some people that I talked to occasionally, and someone that I didn't really talk to much. It was good. I liked how everybody was able to open up (as was the nature of the activity) and we were able to really make use of the purpose of having "roommate huddles".

As each day went by, we got to know each other better. We started sharing more about deeper things and issues surfaced that I never thought would be spoken of. Deep hurts were talked about in such profoundly truthful ways, and the fact that everybody shared and was non-judgmental, we were able to overcome the shameful and guilty feelings that usually hold us back from sharing, and ultimately, healing. This was definitely an experience that I was glad I didn't miss. Hearing everybody speak with such raw emotion and truth brought us closer as a family in Christ, and because we brought our deep dark issues out in the open, into the light, we were able to help each other heal. We were able to admit our failures and use other people's shared experiences to work together to repent and grow together. It's because of Satan, who has cleverly used feelings like shame and guilt that prevent us from being able to fully support each other. But once we recognize that everybody is broken, that we all have sinned, we can overcome those feelings of guilt and shame that separate us from our communities and make us want to hide away from God. The author in the book I was reading says,

"When [brokenness] comes, we often bury the pain and sadness somewhere deep inside, where it simmers and stews and gnaws at our peace, faith and joy. In the process we become even more broken. Despite our attempts to keep it concealed, evidence of our brokenness seeps through and leaves its mark on all of life."

There are many times where I look back in my life and think about all of the mistakes I've made. Or when I realize how broken I am, I realize that there are still many issues that I haven't dealt with. I can agree with the author when he says,

"I hoped that my memory of these horrid events would fade and that others would not detect that anything was wrong with my life. [...] Caught in this trap, I was becoming progressively less the person God created me to be and more a poser."

Many people who call themselves "Christians" (and I am one of them) like to pretend to the world that there is nothing wrong with them. We all want to be "perfect" and we all want to seem like we're "living the life". But the reality is that "we are all broken people living together in a broken world" (quoted from the same book). Maybe that's why so many non-Christians are turned off by us. They see us as hypocrites, people who claim to be "self-righteous" yet do so many wrongs. The truth is that the only difference between Christians and non-Christians is that "Christians" are able to ask God for forgiveness and grace to heal us, whereas non-Christians don't know Christ yet, and don't know of the opportunity to be healed. That is why it is so critical that Christians should want to spread the good news of Jesus and salvation - so that the non-Christians have the chance to be reconciled with God and be saved. We have all sinned and thus were not allowed to be with God after we die (so we'd be sent to hell to be punished forever), but because Jesus (the only man capable of not sinning) died in our place that we are able to come back to live with God after death on earth (so in heaven). We need Jesus.

"The only cure for our brokenness is to stop playing charades, acknowledge our own and each others' brokenness, and become united by the only One who was broken in order to make us whole. [...] I'm incapable of living a perfect life. My life is undeniably broken, and only God can restore me."

There is beauty when we are able to share with our brothers and sisters in Christ our struggles, and use our community to build each other up and help each other out. This might be hard to do because of past incidences where we have dared to open up and be vulnerable to others, but others took advantage of our vulnerability and mistreated us. Perhaps that is why we vowed never to share again, and have tried to go through life on our own. But I have realized that sharing must be done in the right context - with the right people, and for the right reasons. We can not just go around foolishly blabbing out things and hurting and getting hurt by others. The right context is when everybody that is sharing together is sharing so that we can help each other out; not judging one another, and not using what they have dared to share against them in another situation. If you want others to share, you must promise to keep what they have shared in confidence, and not judge them as we are not the ones to judge. Luke 6:37-40 says,

"Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. [Jesus] also told them this parable: “Can the blind lead the blind? Will they not both fall into a pit? The student is not above the teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like their teacher."

So we have been hurt. So we have tried to close ourselves from others and unsuccessfully tried to hide our brokenness. But what if you could use your experiences of hurt to heal others? What if your experiences could help someone else overcome their fears of guilt and shame? What if your experiences could be the light in someone else's life? The fact that we connect, understand, and know exactly how that person who is hurting feels. We can use our experiences to help them get through the rough time that you had gone through, we know how to comfort them and help them be reconciled with Jesus. Let us not allow Satan to render us useless in God's kingdom because of the guilt and shame of our actions in the past. Let us become wounded people who can help others come to be healed by Christ. Let us become wounded healers.

I will end with this quote from the same book,

"If we really believe the gospel we proclaim, we'll be honest about our own beauty and brokenness, and the beautiful broken One will make himself known to our neighbours through the chinks in our armour - and in theirs. God uses our brokenness, reflected in our failures, heartaches, disappointments and betrayals, to reach out to the hurting people who surround us."

U12 Part 1: Recognizing the Enemy

Happy New year!!!!

This week I had the opportunity to attend Urbana, a missions conference that is held once every three years. I had been looking forward to this for a while now, as I had been pondering about what to do with my life after getting my degree. I wanted to know if what I had felt God calling me to do these past few months was really what He wanted. I had an idea and I wanted to go to this conference so that I could get some insight, guidance, connections, and information about where to go from here. I was very excited for this event.

Little did I know that Satan would be there too. Before I left, I caught a cold and the long ride there in a bus with an inconsistent temperature didn't help. My sickness got worse as we arrived and during the first night, I found trouble enjoying the worship. Many other little things that usually wouldn't bother me frustrated me as well and it seemed that all the excitement I previously had had left me.

The next day, I woke up with my throat feeling sorer than ever; my nose was still stuffy and running. I continued to attend the conference activities anyway, thinking that I didn't want to make a waste out of this opportunity.  Although I was able to listen to what the speakers had to say, I found myself having trouble processing my thoughts and doubted myself. At one of the seminars, I sat with my friend and was told that, I looked a little "out of it". I was also advised to get some rest.

At the end of the day, I was exhausted and I had developed a cough. I thought about what my friend had  said to me, and during one of the night sessions, a speaker also mentioned that people who were sick should get some rest and that it'd be OK to miss a few activities. It was then that I realized Satan was trying to tire me out and prevent me from making the most out of the conference. Then I reminded myself why I came to the conference and that it was absolutely not tolerable for me to waste this trip here. I needed to push Satan away from me and overcome the temptation to be easily frustrated by the little things and readjust my vision.

I decided to skip the activities and sleep in for the next two days. During those days I got the rest I needed, and attended the seminars energized. I took lots of good notes, and was able to process things that were said. I pushed through and God gave me the clarity and instruction I needed to continue His work. I was a little disappointed that I let myself forget the purpose of why I was at Urbana, but glad that God had sent a few friends along to make sure that I would find my way back to Him.


Turn Your Eyes (chorus only)

On another note, I read Acts 7&8 today.