Pre-Exam Thoughts

I need to care more.
I need to put in more time and effort into studying for finals.
I have stopped caring. I need to get that back.
Just for three more weeks.
I can do this. I can do this!

Dotted Lines

It sucks to be stuck in the middle; caught between two lanes. 

Not sure which one I want to be in, which one to carry forward.

But if I keep in the dotted lines, it is worse

for I block both sides, whereas I would only block one if I were to choose one.

What about switching lanes? 

What about going the other way? Do a complete U-turn and go back?

Which to be? To help and stand against or to stand aside?

Anger and Frustration

two very difficult things to contain


let's try to figure this out.
what is stressing me out?
- school, friends, family,  self

narrow it down a bit...
school: being behind in classes, loss of motivation for projects and assignments (stress of deadlines and unfinished work), not wanting to be in class, disruption of classmates
friends: being away from them, not knowing how or being able to express myself to them, weird things going on, having the wrong buttons pushed, feeling like a burden
family: being away from them, their health
self: health, lack of sleep and insomnia, need better time management, need to relax, need to figure out how to relieve my stress, worried and over protective of things I shouldn't be, need to stop over thinking, need to eat better, disappointment that I'm clumsy and irresponsible for losing my wallet on the bus, feeling of lack of self independence

just a lot of internal struggles as well as trying to figure out how to behave Christ-like and the fact that there are so many "I don't knows" verses solutions makes everything even more stressful.

i'm still working on a project for an assignment tomorrow, have a calculus assignment that I'm stuck on due tomorrow, as well as an incomplete and dysfunctional lab that needs to be ready for demonstration tomorrow but isn't working. I still can't work out my feelings of being hot and cold and it's stressing me out because I feel like I can't express myself because I know that I'm just going to be angry but I don't know how to relieve myself of this stress and anger and frustration. I know that it's not good so I shouldn't do it but then I don't have an alternate solution. I left my wallet on the bus today and I feel so useless because I can't get it back since my bus pass is in my wallet and the place I have to go to pick it up is far away, an unwalkable distance and I don't want to ask anyone to drive me there because it's not their fault that I lost it or anything and it's not their responsibility and to be frank; it's just a huge hassle and it's annoying. I already feel crummy enough and now I have to learn that I'm still an idiot for not looking back at my seat to check if I left anything behind. Seriously, the one time I don't do a double take, I leave it behind. And at the same time I feel as though I'm just there on the sidelines watching everything happen to the people around me because I don't feel like I am a part of it. Maybe I need to insert myself back into reality instead of expect others to bring me in? I don't understand. I thought I was a gentle and kind person, but right at this moment I feel more angry and disruptive than anything. I just don't want to be here right now. I need to sleep but I'm not getting any and I've been eating so unhealthy lately I'm thinking that I might just get sick or die early. Why do I have to have so many issues and problems? Why can't I just change back to my old happy self, seeing the best in people and being optimistic about everything? Why does this side of me have to surface right now, before finals? Can I really risk this right now?

I need to focus. I need to get my priorities straight. I need to calm down. I need to get my wallet back. I need to be more independent. I need to play basketball or something. I  need to let this stress out before it takes control of me.

This is not right. This isn't how I should be. I need to be in my right mind again.

Camping

http://youtu.be/Fla6EO07I3E  - The Love of God, Mercy Me

I went camping this weekend with some of my fellowship friends and during one of the times where most people went off to go canoeing, my friend and I came up with some interesting characters to add to a game called 'Mafia'. It was just an ordinary group game, which consisted of the mafia killing off a citizen during the night and then the people trying to find and kill the mafia during the day. It sounds like a simple game, but it can get pretty interesting, depending on the personalities of the people playing. So my friend and I added a few characters to the game to make it more interesting. As the other campers came back, it was about night time and we decided to do a trial run of our improved game. Surprisingly, people agreed to play. So I narrated. I won't go into much detail about how to play the game, or what the new characters were, as they aren't significant to what I want to talk about. As the narrator of the game, I was allowed to see everything that was going on during the night (killings, healing, etc) and let everyone know what happened (without letting revealing characters) in the day time. There were points in time where I was very confused as to what some of the characters were doing, and I thought that they didn't understand the rules of the game, or the strategy, but I let them continue after trying to clear things up and figure out what was going on - which was something that I didn't necessarily have to know. I think that I did a pretty good job of not accidentally saying the wrong thing (and letting a hint slip out), and trying to keep my role as the narrator unbiased until the very end. At the very end, I ruined one of the character's plans because I hadn't thought about what that character was trying to do, and I did not realize the implications of what I wanted to say before I said it. Thus, I gave away the biggest hint that led to the end of the game.

I felt terrible that I had done something like this. But I know that there was a deeper meaning behind all of it. God was trying to send me a message; two actually. The first was between all the confusion of what one character was doing (who I thought didn't understand how to play the game/strategies), I was already biased because I had underestimated and wrongly assumed that the character was basically an airhead who had no idea what they were doing and was going to ruin the game. But instead, I realized that I was misjudging and being very unfair, as that character actually ended up playing out the role in a very smart way - one that I did not understand until the very end.

The second was when I accidentally (and indirectly) gave away the identity of one of the characters, at a very crucial moment, but that was not all. I had also wrongly treated and disregarded this person's opinion throughout the game, and did not really give much credit and respect to this person. I had mentally treated this person as someone who wasn't important, and, I just really hope that the person didn't feel it - and doesn't feel it from me, before I can correct myself and start treating this person in the way that is glorifying to God.

I guess there was a lot to take away from this trip; learning that I need to be humble - that other people are just as smart or even smarter than I am, learning that I mistreat people based on assumptions, first impressions, and that I overall still have a lot to learn about love - specifically God's way of love.

Heavenly Father, Please help me to be more like you. God, Your love is so incredible that I can barely grasp it in my mind. I know that I haven't been the very best at treating my fellow brothers and sisters, and that I have a lot to learn about love. Please forgive me for not being humble and for mistreating my friends. Please also be with me and guide me in knowing the truth, being able to see when I am wrong, and ask others and You for forgiveness. I ask now for a heart of change, that I will be able to glorify You through my thoughts and actions towards others. I thank you for this trip, and for the lessons you have taught me through it. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Bitter Buildup

So I've been having something on my heart lately, something small at first, but gradually growing bigger and badder as time went by. I was beginning to judge and make assumptions, and allow negative thoughts about someone else enter my mind and fester. Oh, how dangerous. But I did not have the courage to address the issue. I did not want to cause harm to anyone. I did not want to put myself in a risky situation.

But I came upon this site, and this is what it said,

"It’s evidently a big deal to God how we respond to hard truth. If we are going to become healthy in this area, we need courage and we need humility.

Without courage we will never speak up.
Without humility we will never listen up.

May God grant that the truth spoken in love and received in love might heal our hearts, lead us to repentance, free us from bitterness, and unite the body of Christ."

And this, I pray,

"Lord, make us sensitive to those around us.

That we might see the hurting and be an agent of healing.
That we might see the fallen and lift them.
That we might listen to words of wisdom.
That we might dare to care instead of walking away.
That we might risk misunderstanding to help others.

Grant, O Lord, that our love might be like yours and go right through to the very end.

In the name of Jesus who knows us fully and loves us anyway, Amen."

This sermon was based on 1 Corinthians 7:8-13, which says (NIV),

"8 Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it—I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while—9 yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. 10 Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. 11 See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter. 12 So even though I wrote to you, it was neither on account of the one who did the wrong nor on account of the injured party, but rather that before God you could see for yourselves how devoted to us you are. 13 By all this we are encouraged.

In addition to our own encouragement, we were especially delighted to see how happy Titus was, because his spirit has been refreshed by all of you."

This verse talks about how Paul was addressing some issues the Corinthian church had, and he admitted that it was hard to tell them the truth - as it would be hard to hear, and hard to say. But he did, and he was glad that he did because it led the people to realize their wrongs and repent. Although I know that I, myself, am not a perfect person, and I have doubts about being "allowed" to tell someone that they are wrong, or what's on my mind, I feel that harboring negative thoughts towards them because I am avoiding the issue is worse. If anything, I should bring the issue up and talk it through, perhaps there is more to what I perceive, or perhaps it is something the other person really needs to hear.

Father, please help me to listen with open hearts. Please let me be gentle, and non-judging. Please be with me and guide me with the right words to say, and give me the patience to listen without interrupting. God, I know that I am not perfect, and I know that I have been wrong in letting negative thoughts build up inside me. Please forgive me for not loving, and not having the courage to speak up sooner. Thank you for giving me a chance to become clean, and for helping me realize what I must do. In Christ's name, Amen.