Anger and Frustration

two very difficult things to contain


let's try to figure this out.
what is stressing me out?
- school, friends, family,  self

narrow it down a bit...
school: being behind in classes, loss of motivation for projects and assignments (stress of deadlines and unfinished work), not wanting to be in class, disruption of classmates
friends: being away from them, not knowing how or being able to express myself to them, weird things going on, having the wrong buttons pushed, feeling like a burden
family: being away from them, their health
self: health, lack of sleep and insomnia, need better time management, need to relax, need to figure out how to relieve my stress, worried and over protective of things I shouldn't be, need to stop over thinking, need to eat better, disappointment that I'm clumsy and irresponsible for losing my wallet on the bus, feeling of lack of self independence

just a lot of internal struggles as well as trying to figure out how to behave Christ-like and the fact that there are so many "I don't knows" verses solutions makes everything even more stressful.

i'm still working on a project for an assignment tomorrow, have a calculus assignment that I'm stuck on due tomorrow, as well as an incomplete and dysfunctional lab that needs to be ready for demonstration tomorrow but isn't working. I still can't work out my feelings of being hot and cold and it's stressing me out because I feel like I can't express myself because I know that I'm just going to be angry but I don't know how to relieve myself of this stress and anger and frustration. I know that it's not good so I shouldn't do it but then I don't have an alternate solution. I left my wallet on the bus today and I feel so useless because I can't get it back since my bus pass is in my wallet and the place I have to go to pick it up is far away, an unwalkable distance and I don't want to ask anyone to drive me there because it's not their fault that I lost it or anything and it's not their responsibility and to be frank; it's just a huge hassle and it's annoying. I already feel crummy enough and now I have to learn that I'm still an idiot for not looking back at my seat to check if I left anything behind. Seriously, the one time I don't do a double take, I leave it behind. And at the same time I feel as though I'm just there on the sidelines watching everything happen to the people around me because I don't feel like I am a part of it. Maybe I need to insert myself back into reality instead of expect others to bring me in? I don't understand. I thought I was a gentle and kind person, but right at this moment I feel more angry and disruptive than anything. I just don't want to be here right now. I need to sleep but I'm not getting any and I've been eating so unhealthy lately I'm thinking that I might just get sick or die early. Why do I have to have so many issues and problems? Why can't I just change back to my old happy self, seeing the best in people and being optimistic about everything? Why does this side of me have to surface right now, before finals? Can I really risk this right now?

I need to focus. I need to get my priorities straight. I need to calm down. I need to get my wallet back. I need to be more independent. I need to play basketball or something. I  need to let this stress out before it takes control of me.

This is not right. This isn't how I should be. I need to be in my right mind again.