Great Expectations

No, this is not a book report. This is not a movie review. I just read the plot summary of the book by Charles Dickens, and it sounds interesting. I might borrow it from the library to read sometime.

I have very unrealistic expectations for myself, and sometimes it leaks over to people that I interact with. Some expectations are legit. Some expectations are too much. I have an idea of how things should be - I act like an idealist, but I think like a realist. I know that it is impossible for me to be perfect in anything. I know that it is impossible for me to do everything - to solve all the world's problems. To be fill in all the gaps that are missing. But I still try. I still exhaust every part of me to do it all. Maybe it's the idea of self worth - the feeling that I can be the one to save the day. Perhaps it is me who I am trying to glorify. Perhaps if I think I can do and accomplish all these things (even if I enjoy them), perhaps... only then, will people love me. Perhaps, only then, society will respect me. Perhaps.

As I said, all these things I know are unrealistic. I know that there will always be something I cannot do, there will always be somebody who disagrees, or doesn't care. I live life as if I am trying to accomplish both societal and "Christian" standards. But that is not possible either - as they contradict each other in what they want you to become, and how they want you to behave.

" 4 Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, 5 for each one should carry their own load. 6 Nevertheless, the one who receives instruction in the word should share all good things with their instructor. 7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8 Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. 9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. 10 Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers."
- Galatians 6:4-10

What is there more to gain than the approval and love of God, the Creator of all? Why do I  need affirmation from others before making a concrete decision - do I not trust that God will direct me? If I can not decide for myself what to do until someone else tells me, do I not know how to follow God? If I only follow what other people say - I am not following God. I am following people. If I do not make my own decisions - how can I learn to grow in discerning God's will? I let others choose because it becomes their decision. They made the decision for me, so they are responsible for what happens to me. That is wrong. People will say what they will say, people will try to make you do things. If I let my life be run by people then I will just be a slave to the winds and the waves. I have been freed by Christ, so why put myself in chains?

"13 You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. 14 For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” 15 If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other. 16 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law."
- Galatians 5:13-18


So let me not be afraid to live life by the Spirit. If I make a bad decision, if what I expect doesn't happen - if I believe that I have done my best in doing what is good in the eyes of the Lord, then I just have to keep going, knowing that I am living for Christ and not for anyone else.

Will You Do Something That Matters?

Check out this comic:

I got it from this article I read that popped up on one of my social media feeds.

It's pretty lengthy, but this comic pretty much sums it up - the younger generation is more interested in creating things that solve "problems" rather than solving problems that our attention should really be focused on. This is exactly how I feel about where technology is going. We don't care anymore to solve problems that could really make a change, that could save a life. There are so many people who have access to knowledge, and the brains that could be stretched to great potential, but they are not interested. People are becoming more and more consumed with making life more comfortable for themselves. Instead of living communal lives, we now live independent lives. This generation cares less about world around them than about the online world. Everything is instant. Everything happens on demand. Technology is great for taking a break or for entertainment, but when that becomes the only thing people are interested in developing, we have a problem.

The Cost of Ownership

Today I struggled. I was almost overcome by insecurity in how good of an employee I am. I know that I do my best at work, and my coworkers and boss are generally happy with the work that I do. I try really hard to be perfect - to complete all my tasks on time and with quality and thought. But today, I forgot to do something small. I had just had a conversation with my boss about the task but then for some reason I didn't end up doing it before I left. I didn't realize that I had forgotten to do it until I was pretty much home. I thought about going back, but I decided that it wasn't worth the trip. The task was really small, so it didn't make sense... but at the same time it plagued my mind that I had forgotten to do it. Would it be OK? Would my boss need it tonight? I wasn't sure if it had to be done today or if tomorrow morning would be fine.

I thought about it. Should I call my boss to admit that I forgot so that he could do it if necessary? Or should I just wait until tomorrow morning, go in early, and get it done? But there was a risk of it being too late.

The struggle was whether or not I wanted to admit that I had slipped and wasn't as perfect at work as I want to be to my boss. On the other hand, if it was necessary to be completed today and I didn't do it, then it would come back to me anyway - this time with more dire consequences.

I struggled. I called my boss, planning to let him know (eventually, after I decided it was the right thing to do). He didn't pick up. I hung up before it got to voicemail. Then I decided that OK, I tried already, so I will just do it tomorrow. But then, I talked to one of my housemates, and it seemed like such an easy/straight forward decision for him. He just told me, " I would just call him and leave him a voicemail." No hesitation, no trying to justify why it would be OK to not call. I thought of some excuses like, "But what if I did do it? I would just look silly". I actually didn't remember if I did it or not - but I didn't remember doing it, so I was leaning towards that I didn't.

So after that, I decided to try calling again - this time intending to leave a voicemail. Instead, my boss picked up - this caught me by surprise. I explained my situation and apologized. I felt really bad, and I was talking really fast and anxiously. I think I actually freaked out at him. But, he was actually really nice and forgiving about it. After I hung up, I felt so relieved. He might joke about it tomorrow... but it is my fault that I forgot, and that's better than me screwing up the work for him later. 

Anyway, I'm glad that I have good role models to get support from and to learn from. I know that deep down, I know what the correct thing to do is. My struggle is with seeing what I can get away with in today's society - which would be a lot of things. I shouldn't do that. Even if I know that I could probably get away with something in this society, God will be the judge of me - and when that time comes, there will be no excuses, no justifications, nowhere to hide.

So what/who do I fear more? Failure? My boss? God?

Keeping All Options Open

Discerning God's will for me has always been the hardest thing to do when it does not involve other people (because then the choice is to love with what maximum capacity I can).

So what am I talking about? It's going back to this whole choosing thing. If God didn't give us freedom of choice, then I wouldn't be having this problem. But then I would also not know love, so I guess I'm stuck with making decisions.

Today at work, my boss randomly said to me, "You're not going back to school next term. We are keeping you here and you will do another coop with us." - To which I awkwardly replied, "um...." and then stared blankly at him. Then after a few moments of not knowing whether or not I should tell him that I can't just do that, he said,  said "Just say thank you!". I proceeded to ask him about work. He laughed at how I didn't address his joke, and then answered my question. I was going to say something about how I would fail school and that would not be the greatest thing. And then I realized that my boss probably thinks I don't know how to joke.  =(  In hindsight, I should've probably responded with, "Well then, you'd better be giving me a raise!!"

Anyways, I found out later that he said that because they weren't able to find a co-op student next term. But I think that was a compliment. I love working for my boss and he treats me well.

This conversation got me thinking; what if at the end of my term, my boss wants me to come back for my next co-op? What about exchange? What if I pass my exam and get accepted into the exchange? What then? I will have to make a choice between two good things. Working here would help me to learn more about the technical aspects of what I want to do in the future, and I would be able to develop valuable relationships and networks. But going on exchange will also open my mind to the world and give me the business and social aspect that will also impact my future.

In situations like these, I usually just hope that only one thing ends up working out, so that I won't have to make such a difficult decision - there would only be one option. But the more that time passes, I am starting to feel like both doors are going to be open. I have no idea what will happen in the future. I can only do my best in all I do, and if the time comes - make a decision.

Here, a beautifully written proverb for me to ponder:

"My son, if you receive my words
    and treasure up my commandments with you,
2 making your ear attentive to wisdom
    and inclining your heart to understanding;
3 yes, if you call out for insight
    and raise your voice for understanding,
4 if you seek it like silver
    and search for it as for hidden treasures,
5 then you will understand the fear of the Lord
    and find the knowledge of God."
(Proverbs 2:1-5, ESV)

Oh How I Need You - All Sons and Daughters