The Cost of Ownership

Today I struggled. I was almost overcome by insecurity in how good of an employee I am. I know that I do my best at work, and my coworkers and boss are generally happy with the work that I do. I try really hard to be perfect - to complete all my tasks on time and with quality and thought. But today, I forgot to do something small. I had just had a conversation with my boss about the task but then for some reason I didn't end up doing it before I left. I didn't realize that I had forgotten to do it until I was pretty much home. I thought about going back, but I decided that it wasn't worth the trip. The task was really small, so it didn't make sense... but at the same time it plagued my mind that I had forgotten to do it. Would it be OK? Would my boss need it tonight? I wasn't sure if it had to be done today or if tomorrow morning would be fine.

I thought about it. Should I call my boss to admit that I forgot so that he could do it if necessary? Or should I just wait until tomorrow morning, go in early, and get it done? But there was a risk of it being too late.

The struggle was whether or not I wanted to admit that I had slipped and wasn't as perfect at work as I want to be to my boss. On the other hand, if it was necessary to be completed today and I didn't do it, then it would come back to me anyway - this time with more dire consequences.

I struggled. I called my boss, planning to let him know (eventually, after I decided it was the right thing to do). He didn't pick up. I hung up before it got to voicemail. Then I decided that OK, I tried already, so I will just do it tomorrow. But then, I talked to one of my housemates, and it seemed like such an easy/straight forward decision for him. He just told me, " I would just call him and leave him a voicemail." No hesitation, no trying to justify why it would be OK to not call. I thought of some excuses like, "But what if I did do it? I would just look silly". I actually didn't remember if I did it or not - but I didn't remember doing it, so I was leaning towards that I didn't.

So after that, I decided to try calling again - this time intending to leave a voicemail. Instead, my boss picked up - this caught me by surprise. I explained my situation and apologized. I felt really bad, and I was talking really fast and anxiously. I think I actually freaked out at him. But, he was actually really nice and forgiving about it. After I hung up, I felt so relieved. He might joke about it tomorrow... but it is my fault that I forgot, and that's better than me screwing up the work for him later. 

Anyway, I'm glad that I have good role models to get support from and to learn from. I know that deep down, I know what the correct thing to do is. My struggle is with seeing what I can get away with in today's society - which would be a lot of things. I shouldn't do that. Even if I know that I could probably get away with something in this society, God will be the judge of me - and when that time comes, there will be no excuses, no justifications, nowhere to hide.

So what/who do I fear more? Failure? My boss? God?