Personal Testimony

I am going on a missions trip soon and I was asked to write my personal testimony as part of the application. I wrote it but I realized that I went beyond the length requirement, so the full version is here.

I started attending church at a very young age, so I started learning about God right from the very start. I knew all of the popular Bible stories, but I didn't understand how these stories related to me aside from defining a set of rules and restrictions I had to follow. At home, I was taught that God knew everything and was ready to strike me with lightning if I ever did something wrong. This image of God led me to believe that He was just another threat to make me behave, that God was someone who wanted to restrict me to act and dress a certain way. I even remember a time where I dreaded Sunday mornings as I knew that I would be forced into wearing a dress and itchy stockings. I hated it because I thought I had to pretend to be someone that I was not so that God would love me at church. I resented God for making me a girl and often wondered why He would do such a cruel thing to me. I always heard about God being someone who loved and cared for me but I didn't see it.

It wasn't until later that I started to learn about who God really was. For one of my assignments in English class, I was told to write a speech to give to my classmates about any topic. At that point, I had grown to know that God wasn't just some being who was always prepared to punish me. From my Sunday school teachers at that time, I started learning about who Jesus was. I had many questions about why he would choose to die on the cross and why God would let such a thing happen to His only son. Since this was something that interested me, I decided to do my speech on Christianity. My Sunday school teachers were very helpful in answering the questions I had and through preparing for my speech, I learned a lot about the relationship between God, His Son, and I. I realized that Jesus didn't really want to suffer, that He also cried out to God, asking why such a horrible thing had to happen to him. I also learned that he still chose to obey and that there was a purpose for his obedience. Jesus was loved by God, but God still let horrible things happen to him. God loved me, but He still made me a girl. Although I still questioned this, I started to believe that there was more to God than what I thought I knew.

In high school, I heard many testimonies from people about how they had encountered God and how they had a relationship with Him. I was envious because I wanted that experience too. I wanted God to show himself to me, to have that sureness in me that He was real and that He was loving. How could I love a God that I didn't know personally? I didn't understand what that was like. So I prayed, asking God to reveal himself to me to show that it is worth believing in Him. I prayed that I too, could have a personal relationship with Him. So He showed me. I started seeing God working around me in ways that filled me with awe. It was then that I decided that I had seen enough of God to convince me that He is real, that He is loving and I knew that I wanted to commit myself to follow Him and find out more.

When I entered university, life changed. I started being more open to making new friends and attended church in the new town I was in. I joined a fellowship on campus and experienced a love from them that could have only come from God. God revealed more about His love for me through these people that I had met and they were very encouraging and supportive of me. I learned a lot about the kind of community that God wanted His children to have. During my last work term, I asked God what He wanted me to do once I got my degree in engineering. I knew from the kind of work I was doing that I wasn't interested in the automotive industry, and I wasn't in the right program to do robotics as I had originally wanted to do. At the end of the term, God gave me a vision. I had heard about Nehemiah the cup bearer from one of the sermons that I had attended at the church in Waterloo, about his wine-stained palm. I saw that same wine-stained palm in my dream, and I awoke to hearing the name Nehemiah ringing in my head. I realized that God was calling me to serve the people in developing countries. He wanted me to go and show them His love to His people through engineering. And I decided that this is something that I want to do. You can read about my experience in detail here.

One weekend, I decided to come back to Toronto for the weekend. That particular Sunday, we had a guest speaker who talked about women and their role in the church. She talked about the differences between men and women and why God made the two different. Through some other things she said, I realized that God had made me the way I am for a reason, that God wanted me to be a girl and that He loved me for it. As I am in the engineering program, my identity as a female was still a thorn in my side. I wondered if it was wrong for me to be in a male-dominated program, and still wondered why God made me this way. Why couldn't I just be a boy and fit in with most of my other classmates? But God really touched my heart when He finally addressed the issue that had followed me since the very start of our relationship. Through this speaker’s sermon, God told me that He had intentionally made me a female and that there was nothing wrong with me wanting to be an engineer (You can read about that experience here). He told me that He loves me just as I am and that He didn't want me to hate myself for not being a boy. I realized that I had been very rude and unappreciative of Him this entire time. God had made me this way, and it was insulting for me to tell Him that I didn't like it. The fact that I constantly rejected the way God had made me and the fact that He still wants to love me was overwhelming. As God has answered one of the deepest questions that had followed me all my life after I had chosen to obey His calling, I am deeply touched by His love and trust in His promise that He wants the best for me and that He loves me. I learned that once you obey and trust in Him, God will make it worth it for you. 

15++

People talk about it. They warn you ahead of time so you don't go through what they had to go through. But there's no escaping it. Freshman 15 didn't get you? Well wait until second year. It will catch up to you then.

It is a sad reality I have come to face. I was weary of gaining the freshman 15 so I was careful in my diet. But this year, I have started to relax and let go of my better eating habits. I started eating out more, drinking beer, eating cookies and chips. I stopped going swimming 3 times a week like I did while in first year, and now I only know what exercise is once every ski trip of the year.

Ugh. I thought I could hide from it by wearing looser clothing.. but summer is finally on the edge of rising and although Mother Nature has been really nice in trying to help me buy some time with all this crazy weather, I know that the time has come for me to get off my butt and exercise. I need to do something and I need to eat healthier. I no longer have the excuse not to care because I am cramming for exams. Time to lose the fat. This is scary because I've never had this problem before... but I realized that my metabolism has already slowed down and the fat is catching up. I need to stop gorging and midnight-snacking.. So sad.........

At the same time this is a good change. This will be good for me because overeating is a luxury that I do not need. Why am I buying into this North American consumerism accepting everything business? Stop. They just want money. A lot of people are now trying to be more "accepting" of people's body images... but is it getting out of hand and to the point where people are just using that as an excuse to become lazy? Perhaps having an "image" of what a healthy body should look like (not the crazy thin-but-gorgeous women in magazines) is actually a good thing. It will promote health and not laziness.

I do not have an "I'm not skinny enough" issue. I have an "I'm not healthy" issue. And that is what is most important. So here is the start to my journey of healthy eating and exercising. I hate exercise because it's dull and boring. I have no motivation at the gym because I don't know how to use more than half the machines and I'm afraid to look stupid because I can't lift the minimum weights available (20lbs). Then there are sports, where you need to find a group of people who want to play it at the same time as you and who don't mind me shouting and getting really worked up while we play. Then there's the individual sports, which I claim to play - swimming, snowboarding, etc. I do those, yes... but very rarely. I enjoy sports, I enjoy being active, but I do not enjoy the preparations, the doing-it-by-myself-ness, or the pain that comes the next day. But I am just making excuses and should just get off my butt.

How will I do this? Well, I will start by walking whenever I can. Since I'm on my work term, I'll have plenty of time after work to walk to and from places. I will not take the bus from home to campus, or to someone's place. I will not take the bus to meet someone unless it's raining. I will walk. If I refuse to go to the gym to exercise, and if no one wants to play sports with me, I will walk because it is necessary and I enjoy walking. I will also cut down on wing and beer nights, and not snack or eat more than I should unless it's a special occasion. It will help me save money too. That will be the start for now. If I can't trim it, I can at least start by stopping its growth.

That's One More Wrapped Up!

I’m on the coach bus going home now and having a nice time of reflection by myself. I have been spoiled – getting rides from friends and family until now. Finally it’s the end of the term and I’m taking the bus home. This is good, I miss having personal alone time. It gives me time to think and enjoy my own presence.

This term has gone by really quickly. It was only yesterday that I finished my last exam and at that point it seemed like things escalated very quickly. I knew that the term was ending all along, but I had so many back to back final exams that I had no time to waste thinking about my preparations for what comes next. What I would be doing after exams, how I would get home, what I would do during my one week off before I start working.

I almost lost motivation to study for my last exam. It seemed like I wasn't absorbing anything and that everything was going in one ear and out the other. I stressed myself out thinking that I wouldn't be able to retain any information and that made studying even worse. I was studying with my classmates, and they helped me by talking out the concepts with me, bouncing our ideas back and forth. It was good. After that, I went home to study since the building I was studying in closed, and my friends moved their study party to someone else’s place. I ended up just skipping to doing practice exam questions and slept at 3 am. I woke up around 10:30 the next morning and reviewed the concepts, going through the notes I made one last time. Then, I went to my exam at 12:30, feeling ready to face whatever the monster was, trying to put myself in a good calm mood for the exam. It went well, I feel. I knew how to answer most of the questions based on the concepts I learned and the application questions just became logical answers (I hope). And at 3 pm, it was over. No more exams! Our class took a class photo and then we said our goodbyes and went our separate ways.

Then it seemed like everything else started catching up quickly. Was I going to go home that night? Was I going to hang out with some of my closer friends one last time before leaving? Would I have time to say goodbye to my graduating friends? I needed time to cool off and relax from the exams, but I also needed to get organized and figure out my game plan before work started.

So I decided to go home today. Last night I ended up just having dinner and watching a movie with some of my classmates, pretty much the design group I got paired up with this term. It was a good term. This term I feel like I got to know a lot of my classmates a lot better. Instead of just going to class and leaving right away or studying on my own, or hanging out with other people, I spent more time investing in the people in my class. I made some new friends (because of our design project) and I really like them. I am really glad that I got the opportunity to get to know them better, and I can end this term feeling happy. I got closer to my friends that I had made previously, but I also met some cool people and got to know them a bit too. I can’t wait for more. I also can’t believe that this term is over already. I feel like I just got to know my classmates and now we are separated again.

But I feel like that’s the beauty of coop. You don’t get to appreciate your friends and really cherish the time you spend with them until you realize that the time you have together is short. Next term, I am going to go into it strong, and open to meeting the other people in my class. I have been very shy and kept to myself up until now, but I see that there are benefits in making friends with new people. It makes me happy. It makes me like school a bit more. It makes me have hope that our class will become closer as we move up into the later years of our university career. I want to make sure that I graduate knowing that I have friends all around doing different things, and maybe someday I will see them again and see how far they've gone. I love that. Meeting somebody I haven’t seen in a long time. You get to see how they've changed, learn about their life experiences, and just awe at how far they've come. I wonder what we’ll all be doing in 10, 20, 30 years from now. Maybe we will even end up working together, or see each other at conferences and business trips. That’s what will make those events more special - seeing a familiar face. So I will go make friends in hopes that we will see each other where we don’t expect, to create more of those happy-but-unexpected encounters.

I really started to understand that being in the engineering program is mostly all about helping each other out. You can’t get through this program without team work. The best way to make it through is to make it through together. Everyone has the same goals – to pass the course. Everyone has different ways of learning and different perspectives of concepts. Talking about it together helps others to understand. Working together doesn't always mean that it is going to be distracting, or not as productive. It means that everyone needs to participate, that everyone gains from someone else’s strengths. I am going to go to study parties with my classmates next term. I didn't do that much this term because I thought that I’d be okay on my own, but I realized that I am only scraping by and that it’s been really hard doing it on my own. It’s okay to ask for help. I realized that my classmates are more than happy and willing to explain concepts to me as it helps them solidify their knowledge too. I thought that I would be dragging them down and I’d have too many “stupid” questions, but nope. They aren't like that at all and for that I am thankful. It was even good that there were a few things that I could contribute to them too. So it was mutual and I didn't have to feel bad about bothering them.

I’m just really happy right now at how this term turned out. I hope that we all passed the term so that I can see my friends again in four months!

On another note, I am excited for this upcoming term! There are so many things I want to do while I’m finally free from studying and some of my friends are finally coming back so I will get to see them too! Ahh I am going to enjoy university life.

There Goes Another One

So I have completed three out of five exams as of today. Whop.

I wish my exams were more spread out. I have four this week, two consecutively, a break, and then two more.

I don't feel like I did well on today's. I feel like yesterday's went well.

So that makes 2 bad and 1 good.

Ugh. I had a headache during the exam. This may have been caused by the fact that I did not have good sleep last night (even though I had 8 hours) and possibly because of the difficulty of the exam. For once, I had a few questions that I almost left blank, which made up almost 30% of the exam. Parts of it were good and I knew how to do them. Other parts looked familiar but my mind couldn't conjure up the correct formula, so I just explained what steps I would do if I remembered the formulas/derivatives/integrals. Sigh.


I really hope I don't fail this term. I definitely put way more effort into this term than I ever have in any of my school career.


I am so stressed out right now. I shouldn't be. Today was a nice day. I still have a headache. I didn't drink coffee today. I don't even drink coffee a lot (maybe once every two weeks or less). I don't know why. My eyes hurt even though I had the right amount of hours of sleep. My body hurts. My shoulders and arms - so I didn't bother carrying my backpack today, just took my pencil case. I haven't really been eating well as I've been either eating out or cooking really simple/quick things to eat. Or I just eat a banana. Or some bread.

Help............................................................................I don't want to fail.

I have two more exams to study for. I have a break tomorrow, but I haven't started studying for one of them yet which I have to start doing now, but my brain hurts and I don't know how well I can focus. But if I don't get anything done tonight I will have wasted the day as I spent all morning studying for the exam I had today which didn't even really help me on the exam. So it was a waste. WASTE.

What am I doing. Why am I not good at being a student.

I also bought this giant kinder surprise from the after Easter sales to motivate me to do well on exams so I can eat it after my last one. But I stepped on it while getting ready to go to my exam and so I just opened it and started eating it. I don't feel like I deserve it at all but it cracked.

I will save opening the toy inside for after my last exam instead.

Dat Bass

I absolutely love grooving. Sometimes I wish I was black since most of them are so naturally talented at singing and dancing. They just got them moves!!  Anyway, I have been listening to a lot of Motown, Soul R&B, Funk, Old Skool, Jazz and pop lately, thanks to Grooveshark's recommendations and I absolutely love it!

Stevie Wonder's Supertition has an awesome bass groove; it makes me want to learn bass just so I could play along!

Man, I miss jamming. I haven't been able to play anything at all since exams started. I can't wait for exams to be over so I can start practicing again and try to learn more riffs on the electric, improvise better on piano, maybe start the bass going if I can't get this bass line outta my head! I AM SO EXCITED FOR SPRING! I will have so much time after work to play and play and play!!!!!!!!!!!

I also discovered that I really like Amy Winehouse's music. She has good beats and she can sing. wow. I LIKE. At first I thought she was Adele, but then nope!

I haven't really been listening to their lyrics as I've been studying... but I love the music, the beats, the voice. I wish I could sing like them, play like them, just be in that groovin' zone.

I also really like this song: It's a Man's Man's Man's World, by James Brown. Mmmm, trumpets and the way the beat makes my heart sway~ then that nice electric riff in the back.... oh my..... his smooth deep voice...the way he performs with so much passion and oomph...
AND
You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman, by Aretha Franklin


Okay, seriously back to studying now. I just wanted to make a note that I am really enjoying Grooveshark's recommended stations for me: Motown, Soul Jazz, Funk. Oh my goodness. So good. I love love love it.

Math.

So physics was a bomb. I studied really hard and yet I feel like I didn't pass. Ouch. I don't know what went wrong, or how I could have prepared myself better. I feel like I understood all the concepts pretty well, and I remembered most of the necessary equations. It wasn't the math that tripped me out. But what? Perhaps I thought I understood the concepts but I didn't?

I hope I at least pass this exam, this course. It would be a nightmare to take it again or to take two equivalent courses. Even if I just get a 50, I'd be happy. But that being said, I have to keep a 60% overall average... and a 70% overall average if I want to make it into the exchange program. So that means I have to do extra well on all my other exams!

Math is one of those exams that I feel pretty confident in. I know for sure that I can at least get a 70% if I wrote the exam today. I wish I could stop here and start studying for the next hardest final (which would be chemistry), but I feel like I have to attempt to understand 100% of the course material before I move on - especially since I have the time now. It's just hard because this other stuff is the harder stuff that I have skipped all term. I never made the effort to learn it because I knew I could get by without having to know it. Sigh... If only I had been more studious during the term and forced myself to learn it then. I wouldn't have to struggle as much now.

Oh well, you learn something new about studying every term. Back to studying I go!

Physics.

Physics is nothing without math.

Physics is all about derivatives, integrals, cross and dot products; it is the application of math. Here are some ways that understanding math will help with physics:

Derivatives are all about the rate of change of something. When you are taking the derivative of something, you are generally trying to see how much it changes with respect to time.  Identify exactly what is changing, and you will be able to simplify the equations. Once you know the fundamental concept and memorize the main formula that goes with it, it is much easier to derive other equations in the quantities that are given in a situation. Most equations are variations of another equation, or are derived from something simpler. Once you understand how all the concepts link together, you don't need to memorize all the other variations. It will come to you and make sense!

Integrals are basically the reverse of derivatives. If you know the rate of change of something and want to find out what that value is at an instant of time (like taking a snapshot), integrating the formula with respect to whatever you want to "pause" (this could be time or space) it at will give you that instantaneous quantity. This comes in handy when you want to know what is happening at a particular instance.

Cross products tell you what direction things are acting in. You get a vector quantity. This is for 3D application, usually the two things you multiply together are on the same plane and their cross product gives you the direction of the third plane.

Dot products are a scalar quantity meaning there is no direction for the product of whatever you multiplied together.


Some Extra Tips:

1. Try and link concepts together. Are there similar formulas for different things? Patterns?

2. General quantities are Force, Energy, Work. All concepts carry over from one type of physics to another. Newton's three laws are consistent no matter what kind of forces we are dealing with. Are there multiple ways to find the quantity in question? Remember: the number of unknowns you are looking for requires that same number of equations. So if you have more things you need to find than equations you have to find it, there might be something you're missing! Sometimes the examiner will give you extra quantities that you will not need to use, so be wary of these.

3. Be consistent. It is much easier to memorize formulas that consist of all multiplication. Division is just a subset of multiplication anyway! For example, it is much easier to remember voltage as the product of current and resistance ( V = IR), rather than remembering that current is the quotient of voltage over resistance. Sometimes it can get confusing to remember which quantity goes on top. Although multiplication is much easier to remember, there are always exceptions! For example, things that are derivatives of something else are much easier to remember by division, as that's what derivatives are! It is easier to remember that velocity is the rate of change of distance (v = d/t) than to remember that distance is the product of velocity and time.  Understanding what the mathematical terms mean is crucial to understanding the physics of how things work, leading to a mindset that understands physics.

4. If you understand the concept, the formulas will be easier to remember. Are you memorizing the formulas, or do you actually understand them? Understanding things last much longer than just memorizing something. I have a terrible memory, so anything I "cram" into my brain the night before an exam only stays until that exam is over. However, that is risky as I might blank out during the exam and forget everything. Understanding the concept is much better because you will be able to know what the formula should generally look like, and once you have it correct, it will look familiar to you.

5. Physics is all around. Once you observe something, it stays with you. Thinking about why and how something works always contributes. Physics can always be verified with experiments. What happens if you change one thing?? How much is something affected? Does this make sense? Thinking about these sorts of things will help you know if your answers are correct.

6. Units. It is always helpful to know what the unit of measurement is. This is especially helpful when you forget a formula. You are given some quantities, you are looking for another quantity. They are somehow related through an equation. Sometimes, you can figure out what this equation is by just looking at the units.
For example, if I am looking for velocity (m/s) and am given the position (m) and time (s), looking at the units for velocity automatically gives me the formula to find it. Another thing about units is to make sure that all the units are consistent. This is usually something that a lot of people can overlook and make a big difference in the answer. Make sure that you have everything in the same units. It is helpful to multiply, divide and cross out your units to make sure that you have the right formula.


I am writing these things because I have a physics exam on Thursday. I have just finished reviewing everything from the whole course and wrote out a formula sheet that I have to remember. These are just some things that I noticed while I was making this sheet and trying to make my life easier during the exam. I have a terrible memory. I make a lot of silly mistakes. I hope that these tips and relationships between math and physics will help you in discovering that joy in understanding something that seemed like gibberish before. My only hope is that I will actually do well on my exam so that I can say this and not look stupid. Anyway, it is always much easier to know what to do than to actually do it. So if I don't do well, it is because I didn't follow my own advice.


Today I read Hebrews 5. It warns against falling away from God because of lack of obedience to Him.

Verses 11 - 14 say this, "We have much to say about this, but it is hard to make it clear to you because you no longer try to understand. In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God’s word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil."


Just as in physics, you need to understand the basics, the elementary truths in order to understand harder concepts. Likewise, you need to read the Bible to know what is good and evil in God's eyes. Once you know the math behind it, you can apply it in the form of physics. Once you know what is good and evil, you can do it. You have to train yourself to be good at something. You have to do a lot of practice problems before you can jump ahead. You have to do the right thing when it is obvious in order for you to know what is right in more difficult situations. 

Potluck

Last night's potluck at kcf was really good. We usually have an enormous variety of desserts, but this year there were really good entrees! This was probably because a lot of people didn't sign up what they were bringing and then people thought there wouldn't be enough food. Anyway, it was great seeing off all the graduating people and having a time of fellowship and praying for them as they leave for the next stage of their lives! How exciting. I still have a little more than half of my university life to go! This term went by so quickly that I don't know how I'm going to get all this knowledge into my brain before finals.

Anyway, I just remembered this really funny exchange between two of my friends from kcf while we were getting food.

Friend 1: This is really good, it was made with love!

Friend 2: Where do you buy love?

Friend 1: You don't buy love, you make love!

I burst out laughing and then quickly stopped after realizing how inappropriate that was.

Friend 1: omg that totally came out wrong.....


Tehee. :x

Unbelief

 See to it, brothers and sisters, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. We have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original conviction firmly to the very end.
- Hebrews 3:12-14


Because of sin, it is hard for us humans to believe in God. We can no longer see Him face to face, nor do we hear Him speak to us as we have become too distracted with the things of this world and no longer seek Him out. So we need to encourage each other to move as far away from sin as we can, such that we may come closer to Christ and firmly believe in Him.

Kindness of a Stranger

I hate doing laundry at my apartment. The washing machine door is broken so I have to take three flights of stairs to the next laundry machine. The keyhole is a bit broken so it takes some time to jiggle the key into the right position (you have to try several times, all the while panicking that you might have your clothes locked in there forever). The light bulb is out in the laundry room on that floor. The washer is too low, so it hurts my back to bend over so much (and I already have back pain). The dryer is too high up so I can not see what's in there. Next the washing machine is really small, so you can't wash too much at one time, but it costs about 2 dollars per cycle. The drying machine is really big in comparison to the washing machine, but don't let it fool you! It usually takes two cycles, costing $1.50 each, or if you catch it before it times out, 2 dollars in total.

But today, an act of kindness from a stranger who also lives in my apartment (or perhaps was just there to do laundry) made this whole experience a lot better. I had left my clothes in the dryer before I left for class and was planning to take them out when  I got home (which was only about two hours later). But I got held up by some classmates and didn't get home until quite some time after. By the time I finally got back to the laundry room, I realized that the dryer door was flung wide open and it was empty. I was shocked, confused, and then surprised. I thought someone had taken my clothes. But then I looked down and saw that my clothes were in a garbage bag next to the washing machine.

I took the clothes back to my room just to check if they were clean (maybe someone was mad at me for leaving my clothes, as that is how I usually feel). And they were clean. They were perfectly fine and dry. I thought someone might have put something dirty in there to prank me or get back at me but nope, nothing was wrong (from what I could tell). So thanks to that kind person for making my laundry experience better. =)

I did return a fresh garbage bag with a thank you note on it, just so that they can feel appreciated. I am glad to know that kind people still exist and hope that they will be encouraged to continue being kind to others.

If it were me, I would have just been upset at whoever left their clothes and would have gone to check out another laundry machine. Props!!! 

Hebrews 2: An Excerpt

We must pay the most careful attention, therefore, to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away. 2 For since the message spoken through angels was binding, and every violation and disobedience received its just punishment,3 how shall we escape if we ignore so great a salvation? This salvation, which was first announced by the Lord, was confirmed to us by those who heard him. 4 God also testified to it by signs, wonders and various miracles, and by gifts of the Holy Spirit distributed according to his will.

11 Both the one who makes people holy and those who are made holy are of the same family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers and sisters.

14 Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might break the power of him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil— 15 and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death. 16 For surely it is not angels he helps, but Abraham’s descendants. 17 For this reason he had to be made like them,[k] fully human in every way, in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priestin service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people. 18 Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.


text copied from Biblegateway.com (Hebrews 2:1-4, 11, 14-18 NIV)

Missing the Big Picture

I always talk about the big picture. I am all about the big picture. But one thing I realized today was that I missed the big picture. You can be looking at it, but it doesn't mean you understand it. It doesn't explain itself to you, either. It's like one of those mind puzzles, something that can not be explained by words alone. It's just something that one has to come to an understanding on their own.

I realized why I haven't been posting in so long. It's because I haven't been learning anything new. I gave myself plenty of time to be alone to reflect on things that I knew I had to think about, but when the time came I just didn't. But I was forced to think today. I really wanted to.

God has a funny way of teaching me lessons. I thought for so long that I didn't know what to write about, so I wasn't going to write about anything. I wanted to understand something, but I was looking for understanding in the wrong places. I made a mistake that I seem to be making over and over again without realizing it. I feel like I know everything. All the knowledge is in me, but when the time comes that the appropriate knowledge would come in handy, everything seems to just fade away into the background and I am left with nothing to grasp onto.

Today something in me made me share with a friend what I was going through on the inside. I never really thought I would be able to share things like this with this friend before, but I guess I was so desperate that I decided it was okay. Little did I know that it was actually God working His way into plain sight. My friend showed me this diagram today, while we were at a coffee shop. I have drawn it on the computer:

Jeremiah 29:13 says, "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

It was then that I understood what I was missing in the big picture. I had been going on a crazy emotional ride ever since a few posts ago (which was even longer since I did not post every day). Why? I had been too caught up in trying to see the big picture that I did not really see the big picture. I made big deals out of little things that did not matter, and I disregarded things that were big as things that weren't big. That's messed up. I was so caught up in trying to be understood that I didn't understand. And that's where it all went wrong. I didn't go to God first. I didn't ask for His help. I just wriggled in my misery and wasn't motivated enough to do anything about it. The temptation to stay in sin was too strong. 

Easter was this weekend too. A reminder of what Jesus did for us. For me. But that wasn't the only thing Jesus taught me. I realized that Jesus was treated unfairly. I thought I had been treated unfairly. But the difference between how Jesus handled his situation and how I handled mine were completely opposite. Jesus was actually unfairly treated, first of all. I can understand where I may have thought I had been treated unfairly. But for Jesus, what did he do wrong? Absolutely nothing.

The second thing that was different was that although Jesus was misunderstood, he did not try to make his perpetrators understand. It was enough that he understood their state of heart and truly knew what they were like. Jesus didn't need to be understood because he understood. As for me, I was selfish because I only cared about trying to be understood when all I needed was to understand. I only thought about myself, while Jesus only thought about others. Jesus probably did feel hurt that he was being wronged. He had all the right reasons to be upset at what was happening to him. Despite all the right he had, he still chose what was most important to him - he still chose to show love. In the face of trials, in the face of angry mobsters, in the face of people who didn't understand, people who did not want to understand him, he still showed love. 

Why can't I be like that too? In the face of people that I know love me, in the face of people who are trying to help me understand even though they are frustrated, I still did not know how to love. I did not understand what love meant, and I'm sure that I still don't completely understand it.

Jesus teaches me how to love. That's why I need him in my life. Without his sacrificial love, without him going before me to lead the way I would be nothing. I would still be lost in confusion, stuck in a pool of guilt and shame, waiting for punishment to come. 

So what now? First, I need to be thankful for Jesus and what he did for me on the cross so many years ago. Second, I need to be thankful to God that he put people in my life who love me and are willing to take the time and frustration to show me what love they have been shown. Then, I need to remember that love isn't logical. Love is not something I can rationalize. Love is incomprehensible by human beings that it can not be described by mere words. Love is action. Love is going out of your way for someone else's sake even when it makes perfect sense for you not to do it. Love is more than words, more than just a feeling. Love is everything and more. I need to continue to climb that ladder towards God to learn more about what love is. Only then can I learn to love others.

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." - Romans 5:8

Love Song - Lecrae feat. Estella & Ray