Missing the Big Picture

I always talk about the big picture. I am all about the big picture. But one thing I realized today was that I missed the big picture. You can be looking at it, but it doesn't mean you understand it. It doesn't explain itself to you, either. It's like one of those mind puzzles, something that can not be explained by words alone. It's just something that one has to come to an understanding on their own.

I realized why I haven't been posting in so long. It's because I haven't been learning anything new. I gave myself plenty of time to be alone to reflect on things that I knew I had to think about, but when the time came I just didn't. But I was forced to think today. I really wanted to.

God has a funny way of teaching me lessons. I thought for so long that I didn't know what to write about, so I wasn't going to write about anything. I wanted to understand something, but I was looking for understanding in the wrong places. I made a mistake that I seem to be making over and over again without realizing it. I feel like I know everything. All the knowledge is in me, but when the time comes that the appropriate knowledge would come in handy, everything seems to just fade away into the background and I am left with nothing to grasp onto.

Today something in me made me share with a friend what I was going through on the inside. I never really thought I would be able to share things like this with this friend before, but I guess I was so desperate that I decided it was okay. Little did I know that it was actually God working His way into plain sight. My friend showed me this diagram today, while we were at a coffee shop. I have drawn it on the computer:

Jeremiah 29:13 says, "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

It was then that I understood what I was missing in the big picture. I had been going on a crazy emotional ride ever since a few posts ago (which was even longer since I did not post every day). Why? I had been too caught up in trying to see the big picture that I did not really see the big picture. I made big deals out of little things that did not matter, and I disregarded things that were big as things that weren't big. That's messed up. I was so caught up in trying to be understood that I didn't understand. And that's where it all went wrong. I didn't go to God first. I didn't ask for His help. I just wriggled in my misery and wasn't motivated enough to do anything about it. The temptation to stay in sin was too strong. 

Easter was this weekend too. A reminder of what Jesus did for us. For me. But that wasn't the only thing Jesus taught me. I realized that Jesus was treated unfairly. I thought I had been treated unfairly. But the difference between how Jesus handled his situation and how I handled mine were completely opposite. Jesus was actually unfairly treated, first of all. I can understand where I may have thought I had been treated unfairly. But for Jesus, what did he do wrong? Absolutely nothing.

The second thing that was different was that although Jesus was misunderstood, he did not try to make his perpetrators understand. It was enough that he understood their state of heart and truly knew what they were like. Jesus didn't need to be understood because he understood. As for me, I was selfish because I only cared about trying to be understood when all I needed was to understand. I only thought about myself, while Jesus only thought about others. Jesus probably did feel hurt that he was being wronged. He had all the right reasons to be upset at what was happening to him. Despite all the right he had, he still chose what was most important to him - he still chose to show love. In the face of trials, in the face of angry mobsters, in the face of people who didn't understand, people who did not want to understand him, he still showed love. 

Why can't I be like that too? In the face of people that I know love me, in the face of people who are trying to help me understand even though they are frustrated, I still did not know how to love. I did not understand what love meant, and I'm sure that I still don't completely understand it.

Jesus teaches me how to love. That's why I need him in my life. Without his sacrificial love, without him going before me to lead the way I would be nothing. I would still be lost in confusion, stuck in a pool of guilt and shame, waiting for punishment to come. 

So what now? First, I need to be thankful for Jesus and what he did for me on the cross so many years ago. Second, I need to be thankful to God that he put people in my life who love me and are willing to take the time and frustration to show me what love they have been shown. Then, I need to remember that love isn't logical. Love is not something I can rationalize. Love is incomprehensible by human beings that it can not be described by mere words. Love is action. Love is going out of your way for someone else's sake even when it makes perfect sense for you not to do it. Love is more than words, more than just a feeling. Love is everything and more. I need to continue to climb that ladder towards God to learn more about what love is. Only then can I learn to love others.

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." - Romans 5:8

Love Song - Lecrae feat. Estella & Ray