Disappointed

i went to church today, with two other girls. it was nice. the people were welcoming. there was a baptism and stuff. there was also a message which was a bit different from the ones i'm used to but that's okay.

i don't really know how this is related.. but lately I've been realizing that i have a lot of hatred inside me. i have always thought of myself as a really nice person that cares about the well-being of everyone and that wants everyone to be happy too. i thought that i could relate to people and therefore understand why they do the things they do and i don't have these feelings of hatred towards them. i don't really think its hate. its not really a strong feeling. it's just that i think i've found that i just don't want to be nice. loll. i feel like such a jerk sometimes. like.. some examples...... my friends and i were eating lunch late today, and we were just finishing when another girl came and sat with us (all by herself) and so we finished and i got up to leave... and then my friend was like...saying how im impolite in wanting to leave her all by her lonesome.. even though we didn't really talk to that other girl or know her or anything. i dont know. i know its not an obligation to stay there, which is perhaps why i wanted to just leave so i could do my own thing. so selfish. i feel so disappointed in myself for feeling and thinking that way. it's not that bad, that i want to leave since i dont really know her and stuff its not my obligation to stay there and like force myself to have an awkward conversation with her or  get to know her and become friends etc. the reason why i'm so disappointed in myself is because i know that i wanted to leave her all alone... and like.. i wanted her to be alone. i think i just wanted to be the one that leaves for once? that sounds so mean. why would i want to do that. of all people, i should be the one who doesn't leave because i know how bad it feels. why do i feel the need to make other people feel the same way? do i want to become the people who were mean to me? no. so why do i relish the thought of being able to leave someone on their own? for me, being alone isn't a big deal. i can handle sitting away from everyone else and just being in my own world. or lonely. i dont care for company as much anymore just because i've gotten used to being by myself. am i really rude and mean just because i dont want to "waste time" (that i'll spend wasting in my room by myself later anyway) or is it because i hate her? i dont even know her enough to hate her. hate is such a strong word. maybe dislike. why do i dislike certain people that i barely know? isnt that called prejudice or judgemental? why would i want to be described as that? why can't i just be the loving person that i thought i was. the person who never wants anyone else to be alone and feel pain? why do i have to have this ugly monstrous part of me that enjoys knowing that someone else feels bad? am i really that evil?
is it because she's chinese too? what do i have against her? the way she looks? the way she dresses? if someone were to judge me the way im judging her, they would do the same thing as me. they would want to leave me by my lonesome. i feel like im just trying to make excuses for myself when i say that its not that bad to be alone and that i have no obligations to sit there with her and chat with her until she's done eating. honestly, i don't know where i'm going with this. i just feel like a horrible person. but at the same time im trying to see the other side, but the other side sounds more like me trying to justify myself.

why do i automatically assume that i won't like her just by watching her? (not stalking. i just notice.. stuff..... she was sitting near me!) and by listening to the things she says and stuff when talking to my friends. =/ or just not liking her tone of voice. her expression. i shouldn't treat people differently just because they're different. everyone is different. i don't have to be her best friend. i just have to be a nice person. not rude, not impolite, not mean. ahhh. what to do with myself. 


WWJD. what would Jesus do? i think he would put in that extra effort to sit and chat with her. i think the nice gesture would make an impression on her too. what do i lose if i stay? nothing really. i'll just feel awkward, but so will she. if i leave? i just gain more personal time. to do nothing. what do i gain if i stay? potentially a good conversation. i might learn something new, or make a new friend. if i leave i might lose the opportunity for those things. sigh. so the verdict is, that i should stay. next time. if there is one. =/   why can't i ever think fast enough? i never seem to do the right thing at the right moment, and i only realize it afterwards, when reviewing my day, or looking back. ughhhh. so grossed out.

that's not all... the day we went to the beach, my friends and i were playing a game in the water, and one of four chinese guys came over and i think he said something along the lines of "hey what're you guys playing?". we totally ignored him. im not sure about the others, but mine was intentional. i didn't want to talk to him. i didn't want him to play with us (sounds so childish) but yeah. i don't know. it was just that i thought i'd be weird. and uh im not really interested in having much to do with guys while im away. so i thought i'd be better if i just ignored him so that he wouldn't bother us again and so that nothing would happen. i guess i didnt have to ignore him. i could've just told him what game we were playing. but then i was afraid he was going to try and join us. which i also didn't want. why not? because then i was afraid he would try to keep talking to us and i just wasn't up for that. so i ignored him. i could've just told him straight up that i didn't want to play with him but that'd be mean. but then i was already mean. so i don't know. lol. is there no nice way around it? maybe he won't want to play with us. maybe he doesn't want to hang out with us. maybe he was just bored. maybe im just over thinking it. why didn't i just answer him? why am i so rude. ugh.