Life has been quite stressful lately. Going into 2B, I already knew it was going to be a rough term, but I had no idea. First, I was already a little behind in my lectures as I had not yet finished my work term report at the start of the term, and it was due one week after the start of classes. Being me, I wanted to take that one week of vacation I had to actually relax - and by relax, I mean to not do anything relatively productive.
So I didn't, and school picked up, and I was still getting used to going to classes, and trying to find that power button to turn my brain on. After a few sleepless nights dedicated to working on my work term report, while being occupied (or distracted) by unpacking, setting up the house with my housemates, trying to clean up the place, get things organized, watch dramas, have housemate bonding, etc, I finally put an end to all of this mess by handing in my work term report, and then getting sick.
Getting sick pretty much forced me to rest and not do anything. My group mates for a project and a lab I have going on for the entire term didn't want me to show up to meetings, and my housemates told me to stay in my bed. So it was great. But it was also a little stressful as I knew that I was going to be even more behind than I already was in school because I was going to miss more class.
After I got better, my textbooks started to arrive, and assignments started getting assigned. Most of them aren't for marks, so I had a few piled up. A lot of the material was hard to grasp in almost all of my courses, and the profs were pretty much writing and speaking another language during the lectures. I would also spend a portion of my time in those lectures on my phone trying to check and send emails for my club, to arrange appointments and reply to people who sent me personal emails. I also fell asleep a few times when the prof went on tangents in the middle of a question somebody asked.
Then, ok, yeah, school just started, I'm still getting used to it. I just need to do a better job of managing my time, that's all. Time management and discipline. That's the key to survival. I also started my weekly praise nights but we ran into a small issue with one of my housemates who wasn't really too cool with some of the details. So some effort was spent working that out. Emotional stress. Sometimes I feel like I bring it on myself. I choose to care. I choose to stress out about certain things.
Then my friend had a problem with her living situation and we decided to take her in. It was hard. A few people I care about were involved and it was in the back of my mind while we discovered pantry moths in our kitchen. We had to take everything out of our cupboards and check it out. We cleaned it up and looked for more. I still don't know if it's fully cleaned yet, but my housemates cleaned up other things they saw over the weekend while I was away and think that it's fine. Then during the weekend a lot of other things happened that gave me some more mental stress.
So I came back to town with more stress. I just wanted to chill out but it seems like there's no time for that. I'm either studying, eating, in class, or talking to someone. School is picking up even more now since I have midterms starting today and there's a class that I've only been to twice. Labs are three hours long and we're expected to spend 9 hours on it every week - 3 for pre-lab, 3 in lab, and 3 for writing the final report. I feel like my group mates aren't really pulling their weight for this and I don't want to end up with a bad mark or not understand the material, so I've been doing most of the work. In both my lab and project groups, everyone is too chill and laid back that nobody's really doing the work. Or it seems like everyone has other priorities (which are real and I understand because I have them too) and so the group work is always left to the last minute.
I'm not used to this. I'm not used to living with people that I know and care about. I like this but I don't at the same time because I like these people and I do want to get to know them better, but the draw back is that I can't give the time that I don't have to bond with them and hence I get left out. Or I feel like I'll get left out so I try to stay awake and rearrange my time but there just isn't enough of it and I haven't even been procrastinating anymore. I'm not used to doing 6 courses and a lab. The curriculum is already hard. Every course is heavily math based and builds up on everything we've learned from the past two years - most of which I am just barely starting to remember again after the 4 months of coop we just came back from. I'm trying my best to pick up but it seems like there is no time. How is it already October?
This isn't even real life. This is just the life of a student. I'm not even going to think that I'm not cut out for this because I know that it's not hard. I know that one day I'll look back and regret it if I don't continue. I know that it just seems hard at the moment but it really isn't. Why is it hard to grasp concepts if everyone else can get them? I'm doing a lot. I'm also trying to get away with not doing things that someone else can do. But it's hard because suddenly I'm the one who knows everything and suddenly I'm the one who's in charge because I really just want to get things done and get some rest. If I stop trying to push my group members to do work then we will lose marks. If I stop doing things for the house and the people I live with then they will think that I am not good to live with or that I don't care about them.
So I feel like all of this stress had turned me into someone who just wants to put a stop to caring. I'm a bit more sarcastic to my classmates, and find myself in the "don't care about what you think of me" mood. That's what I was thinking about on my way home when I got bitten by a ladybug. And it pinched. I was shocked because I didn't know they bite. I quickly slapped it away and went home, but then I realized that I did care about that. There are so many things that I do care about but not caring about them isn't the way to deal with it. But at the same time, I care about too many things that I really don't need to care about.
So I don't really know what I am saying right now, but I think I just need to take a breather. I need to focus on my studies first before I try to do anything else. I really want to not care about everything but school, but that's not an option. Juggling is not a game. Juggling is for survival.
So I didn't, and school picked up, and I was still getting used to going to classes, and trying to find that power button to turn my brain on. After a few sleepless nights dedicated to working on my work term report, while being occupied (or distracted) by unpacking, setting up the house with my housemates, trying to clean up the place, get things organized, watch dramas, have housemate bonding, etc, I finally put an end to all of this mess by handing in my work term report, and then getting sick.
Getting sick pretty much forced me to rest and not do anything. My group mates for a project and a lab I have going on for the entire term didn't want me to show up to meetings, and my housemates told me to stay in my bed. So it was great. But it was also a little stressful as I knew that I was going to be even more behind than I already was in school because I was going to miss more class.
After I got better, my textbooks started to arrive, and assignments started getting assigned. Most of them aren't for marks, so I had a few piled up. A lot of the material was hard to grasp in almost all of my courses, and the profs were pretty much writing and speaking another language during the lectures. I would also spend a portion of my time in those lectures on my phone trying to check and send emails for my club, to arrange appointments and reply to people who sent me personal emails. I also fell asleep a few times when the prof went on tangents in the middle of a question somebody asked.
Then, ok, yeah, school just started, I'm still getting used to it. I just need to do a better job of managing my time, that's all. Time management and discipline. That's the key to survival. I also started my weekly praise nights but we ran into a small issue with one of my housemates who wasn't really too cool with some of the details. So some effort was spent working that out. Emotional stress. Sometimes I feel like I bring it on myself. I choose to care. I choose to stress out about certain things.
Then my friend had a problem with her living situation and we decided to take her in. It was hard. A few people I care about were involved and it was in the back of my mind while we discovered pantry moths in our kitchen. We had to take everything out of our cupboards and check it out. We cleaned it up and looked for more. I still don't know if it's fully cleaned yet, but my housemates cleaned up other things they saw over the weekend while I was away and think that it's fine. Then during the weekend a lot of other things happened that gave me some more mental stress.
So I came back to town with more stress. I just wanted to chill out but it seems like there's no time for that. I'm either studying, eating, in class, or talking to someone. School is picking up even more now since I have midterms starting today and there's a class that I've only been to twice. Labs are three hours long and we're expected to spend 9 hours on it every week - 3 for pre-lab, 3 in lab, and 3 for writing the final report. I feel like my group mates aren't really pulling their weight for this and I don't want to end up with a bad mark or not understand the material, so I've been doing most of the work. In both my lab and project groups, everyone is too chill and laid back that nobody's really doing the work. Or it seems like everyone has other priorities (which are real and I understand because I have them too) and so the group work is always left to the last minute.
I'm not used to this. I'm not used to living with people that I know and care about. I like this but I don't at the same time because I like these people and I do want to get to know them better, but the draw back is that I can't give the time that I don't have to bond with them and hence I get left out. Or I feel like I'll get left out so I try to stay awake and rearrange my time but there just isn't enough of it and I haven't even been procrastinating anymore. I'm not used to doing 6 courses and a lab. The curriculum is already hard. Every course is heavily math based and builds up on everything we've learned from the past two years - most of which I am just barely starting to remember again after the 4 months of coop we just came back from. I'm trying my best to pick up but it seems like there is no time. How is it already October?
This isn't even real life. This is just the life of a student. I'm not even going to think that I'm not cut out for this because I know that it's not hard. I know that one day I'll look back and regret it if I don't continue. I know that it just seems hard at the moment but it really isn't. Why is it hard to grasp concepts if everyone else can get them? I'm doing a lot. I'm also trying to get away with not doing things that someone else can do. But it's hard because suddenly I'm the one who knows everything and suddenly I'm the one who's in charge because I really just want to get things done and get some rest. If I stop trying to push my group members to do work then we will lose marks. If I stop doing things for the house and the people I live with then they will think that I am not good to live with or that I don't care about them.
So I feel like all of this stress had turned me into someone who just wants to put a stop to caring. I'm a bit more sarcastic to my classmates, and find myself in the "don't care about what you think of me" mood. That's what I was thinking about on my way home when I got bitten by a ladybug. And it pinched. I was shocked because I didn't know they bite. I quickly slapped it away and went home, but then I realized that I did care about that. There are so many things that I do care about but not caring about them isn't the way to deal with it. But at the same time, I care about too many things that I really don't need to care about.
So I don't really know what I am saying right now, but I think I just need to take a breather. I need to focus on my studies first before I try to do anything else. I really want to not care about everything but school, but that's not an option. Juggling is not a game. Juggling is for survival.
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