This week has been probably the busiest week I've had all term. Although I don't have hell week, I think that this is worse. Having midterms spread out over one and a half months is like having hell month. There is not much time for a break, but you won't last if you don't take a break. So sacrifices have to be made. I know that I need rest in order to recharge and be able to study productively, but it is hard to rest peacefully when I know that there is still a lot to do.
Even weekends are crammed with tasks and things to learn. I only have a set amount of hours to learn something and when the time is closing in I panic, not knowing if I will be able to understand the material in time. Why is it so hard? What's so hard about it? Everything is just a concept I have to grasp, and equation I have to know how to plug variables into. What's so hard?
On top of that, the weather has been going crazy with the snow and then the rain. When it snows I am happy, because I am excited for the winter boarding season. Boarding makes me happy. I feel free and thrill on the hills. Yes, hills - not mountains. I love doing physical activities because it gives my mind a break. I think too much, and then in school I also need to think a lot. So making my body work instinctively and ignoring the intellectual part of my brain is good. Exercising different parts of the brain.
But this rain is so gloomy. Seriously makes me just want to crawl in bed and sleep.
I've definitely plunged myself into school lately. And this makes me sad as much as it makes me kind of proud. I'm proud of myself for having the discipline to actually study every day, put in hours of work into studying (something I haven't really done much of before) and I think my study technique has improved. The sad thing is that in order to be on top of my studies and to push my new club to lift off, I've sacrificed a lot of my time I would have otherwise spent with people. Developing relationships with my kcf community and especially with the first years. I haven't really gotten to know them, nor have I tried, as I am afraid I would not be able to put much effort into the relationship - why start and give less than half?
My mind is always on my studies. I'm always so caught up in trying to solve a problem at the back of my mind that it gets distracting when I try to talk to someone about whatever they want to talk about. I'm not paying attention to them; I'm nodding at the right times and responding when it feels right, but my mind is not actually processing and caring about them. I feel like I'm just there for them so they're not talking to nothing. And that's not right. When I'm with someone I should focus on them and their needs. But I can't even give them that sometimes. I really just wish I could be really smart and understand things faster. My roommate even told me this week, "Hey can we chat sometime?" And I said, "What's up?" while looking at my laptop and writing down notes. She said, "I miss you. I barely see you and all we say are hi's and bye's and then we go to sleep or do something else." That made me sad.
And when things happen around the house I find that I really just don't have the time or the mental caring capacity to want to help out and figure out what to do. That's not normally like me. Normally I would see to what the issue is and try to solve it. But these days I've just let everyone else figure it out on their own and reason that they're old enough to figure it out, they're smart enough. They can do it. They don't need me. Which is partly true, but I don't think like that. Now I just do what I need to do and maybe help out if I'm still not burnt out by the end of whatever I was doing. I feel like I'm focusing so much on myself. But at the same time I feel like I need to, in order to survive. Am I doing it wrong? Why do I struggle?
Maybe I just need some time alone with God to figure things out. Maybe the rain isn't so bad. I just need a load of love from God to rain down on me so I can soak in it.
Rain Down - Shane & Shane
Even weekends are crammed with tasks and things to learn. I only have a set amount of hours to learn something and when the time is closing in I panic, not knowing if I will be able to understand the material in time. Why is it so hard? What's so hard about it? Everything is just a concept I have to grasp, and equation I have to know how to plug variables into. What's so hard?
On top of that, the weather has been going crazy with the snow and then the rain. When it snows I am happy, because I am excited for the winter boarding season. Boarding makes me happy. I feel free and thrill on the hills. Yes, hills - not mountains. I love doing physical activities because it gives my mind a break. I think too much, and then in school I also need to think a lot. So making my body work instinctively and ignoring the intellectual part of my brain is good. Exercising different parts of the brain.
But this rain is so gloomy. Seriously makes me just want to crawl in bed and sleep.
I've definitely plunged myself into school lately. And this makes me sad as much as it makes me kind of proud. I'm proud of myself for having the discipline to actually study every day, put in hours of work into studying (something I haven't really done much of before) and I think my study technique has improved. The sad thing is that in order to be on top of my studies and to push my new club to lift off, I've sacrificed a lot of my time I would have otherwise spent with people. Developing relationships with my kcf community and especially with the first years. I haven't really gotten to know them, nor have I tried, as I am afraid I would not be able to put much effort into the relationship - why start and give less than half?
My mind is always on my studies. I'm always so caught up in trying to solve a problem at the back of my mind that it gets distracting when I try to talk to someone about whatever they want to talk about. I'm not paying attention to them; I'm nodding at the right times and responding when it feels right, but my mind is not actually processing and caring about them. I feel like I'm just there for them so they're not talking to nothing. And that's not right. When I'm with someone I should focus on them and their needs. But I can't even give them that sometimes. I really just wish I could be really smart and understand things faster. My roommate even told me this week, "Hey can we chat sometime?" And I said, "What's up?" while looking at my laptop and writing down notes. She said, "I miss you. I barely see you and all we say are hi's and bye's and then we go to sleep or do something else." That made me sad.
And when things happen around the house I find that I really just don't have the time or the mental caring capacity to want to help out and figure out what to do. That's not normally like me. Normally I would see to what the issue is and try to solve it. But these days I've just let everyone else figure it out on their own and reason that they're old enough to figure it out, they're smart enough. They can do it. They don't need me. Which is partly true, but I don't think like that. Now I just do what I need to do and maybe help out if I'm still not burnt out by the end of whatever I was doing. I feel like I'm focusing so much on myself. But at the same time I feel like I need to, in order to survive. Am I doing it wrong? Why do I struggle?
Maybe I just need some time alone with God to figure things out. Maybe the rain isn't so bad. I just need a load of love from God to rain down on me so I can soak in it.
Rain Down - Shane & Shane
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