if i could pick an age to die, it would be in my thirties - fourties. i think. i haven't really been there, so i don't know what that would be like. but if i could extend my life longer, i woud live up to my fourties.
who knows when i'm going to die? it could be tomorrow, it could be next year, or in my 70s.
i know, this sounds so morbid, talking about death and dying, but i cant seem to get it off my mind.
i'm not afraid to die. that's not the problem. it's true, i am scared, but not of death. i know that God will be with me after I die, and when I die, it'll be because my time here on earth has finished, and i have accomplished my task, and that it would be the end of God's plan for me on earth. time to move on.
what i am afraid of though, is upsetting those around me, and those that i love. i don't want to put them through anything painful before it's really necessary. you know that feeling of dread in anticipation? that's what i dont want for everyone. even myself. i guess. is it selfish if i just dissappear one day, suddenly? or would it be better if i told everyone and they just expected it. uggh. i'd hate to have the latter. i think its worse.. i dont know...
if you had a physical condition, would you tell someone? would you get it checked out? maybe it's nothing. maybe i'm just being paranoid, and ultra sensitive. i mean it's happened before, and im still alive right.. so maybe i will be able to last until my 40s.
see, what if i get checked out, and they tell me i have some horrible uncurable disease? then i'd have an expiration date, and everyone would count those days off, and i'd be limited to living my last moments in a hospital! why would i want that. i think i'd rather just drop dead, doing something that i'm happy doing or something . lol sure it might scare a few people, but they'll get over it in time right? is it selfish? and no, im not suicidal.
the thing is. i've always thought that i was sort of invincible - in the way that i could get hurt but i couldnt die - not yet, because i'm still doing God's work. right? He wouldn't let me die if i'm doing His work right? i'm not too sure anymore, because it seems like these pains have been occurring a bit more frequently now.. and i dont know what to do. i dont want to see anyone about it. i think i'd rather not know.
i want to live to my fourties because i want to experience life a bit more, life on earth anyway. i want to have someone to take care of, someone to love i guess, and go to university, get a job...... do something engineering....... just live. i don't mind if i dont have kids or if i just get a dog. i just want to be able to move out of this house, move into the university, move out of the university, go to real job interviews, go to work, go home, move in with somebody, get married? lol if they dont mind that i'm going to die early. and then just continue doing God's work on earth i guess, but that's all i want... maybe it's too much. or maybe i'm just being stupid thinking about this stuff.
if i get checked out, and it turns out that it's a minor thing, common and curable, then id have to spend a few hours to a few months in a hospital getting the help i need. if i need any help. lol what am i saying. i'm probably just imagining things. sigh. but i'm scared to go to the hospital because i cant even read up about people getting surgery or needles or blood transfusions or something like that without feeling queasy. how am i supposed to go to the hospital and be calm while they take my blood? or put needles in me? or do stuff to me while i'm still awake and feeling things?
maybe i've been in denial my whole life - from the moment it first started. the first sign that i remember having anyway. i was playing in the snow with my best friend at the time, i think probably sometime between grades 2-5. we were building some sort of fort maybe? i dont remember much, only that after we built a wall i laid down in the snow, and then i felt a sharp stabbing pain in my chest, right where i imagine my heart would be. it was over in about 1 second, but i was so scared i didnt move until i was sure that the pain wouldn't come back. ever since then i'd get these pains once in a while, and occasionally i'd get a bit of heart burn, and someitmes pain in random places.... but they could be caused by other things. sometimes when i'm in bed, and i roll around or switch to a different position, i would feel a sharp pain in my body somewhere inside, and then i would stop moving, then slowly try to move onto my back.... or if it hurt more, then i'd move where it wouldn't hurt. and then i'd just stay in that position until it passed. this didnt really happen too often, months could go by without anything like that happenning... but it happened again today. inclass. and i remember it happened before in class too, except i just let it pass, and thought nothing of it. maybe i am in denial? i dont know. i just brushed it aside and drank some water.
so today in econ the teacher was telling us a story (near the end of the period) and it was funny and stuff but at some point during that time, i felt a sharp pain, kind of like my heart was being clenched by someone or something liek that i'm not really sure, which is why i dont want to go to anyone about it. i cant even describe it to myself, how can anyone help me. do i want help. what if i'm wrong and just imagining? maybe it's just nothing. but anyway. i knew i needed some water to make me feel better. it always helps. sometimes before i go to bed, i'll drink some water and then after i drink it i'll feel it go down and it feels like it's surrounding my heart, and then i can relax.
i read online, because i've looked up these symptoms before, when i had them in the past, that it could be that there wasn't enough oxygen getting into my heart - which would explain drinking water? H2O? it could also be caused by stress, and i guess i've been feeling stressful lately, but i'm always like that arent i? or i dont know. lol if i'm stressful or not. i just kind of daze out whenever. or something. i dont know. my mom refused to believe that i was stressed, i remember because one time some specialist told my mom and i that my skin was so crappy because i was stressed, and my mom just laughed and said, "what stress?" so apparantly i'm not stressed.
i might have something called angina? thats what it seems like so far, except that there's other things like gallbladder something that is very similar and can seem like angina. so i dont know. it might have just been a panic attack, but i dont remember being anxious or scared of anything at any of the times that i had this symptom. so i doubt its that. i dont know. i looked up other symptoms that include denial, shortness of breath, pain in left side of body, pain in left arm, jaw, chest, nervousness, sweating, etc.... similar to heart attacks.....so yeah. but im thinking that i only experience some of thoses symptoms afterwards, after the pain... because i'm like sweating, trying to relax my body and heart area, unflexing, relaxing certain muscles, trying to subtly move in a more comfortable position, so maybe thats why i get nervous and sweat. so maybe its not that . i dont know. i dont think i want to know.
the good thing is that i have my physical check up sometime next week... so maybe they'll find something? but last year i was thinking the same thing and they didnt find anything other than a slightly high cholesterol - which by the way is hereditary in my family. my mom refuses to believe that i have high cholesterol, so she'll always make comments about how all the seafood and foods high in cholesterol that my dad can't eat when we go out should be eaten by me since i dont have it - but i do. and she wont listen and sometimes it just really makes me question whether or not she really cares about me being alive. sigh but of course she does. maybe she just doesnt understand. why wouldn't you believe a doctor? especially when you've known him for (my) whole life? that's not the point. but yeah, should i tell him if he doesnt find anything strange? what if i pass out when he takes my blood? (i didnt last time but you never know). why would i want to put my family and friends through that crap about knowing that i'm going to die soon. ugh. what to do.
i could just do what i've always done: ignore it.
i cant believe i never really took it seriously until now. when my birthday is tomorrow. this is just the best time for things like this.
who knows when i'm going to die? it could be tomorrow, it could be next year, or in my 70s.
i know, this sounds so morbid, talking about death and dying, but i cant seem to get it off my mind.
i'm not afraid to die. that's not the problem. it's true, i am scared, but not of death. i know that God will be with me after I die, and when I die, it'll be because my time here on earth has finished, and i have accomplished my task, and that it would be the end of God's plan for me on earth. time to move on.
what i am afraid of though, is upsetting those around me, and those that i love. i don't want to put them through anything painful before it's really necessary. you know that feeling of dread in anticipation? that's what i dont want for everyone. even myself. i guess. is it selfish if i just dissappear one day, suddenly? or would it be better if i told everyone and they just expected it. uggh. i'd hate to have the latter. i think its worse.. i dont know...
if you had a physical condition, would you tell someone? would you get it checked out? maybe it's nothing. maybe i'm just being paranoid, and ultra sensitive. i mean it's happened before, and im still alive right.. so maybe i will be able to last until my 40s.
see, what if i get checked out, and they tell me i have some horrible uncurable disease? then i'd have an expiration date, and everyone would count those days off, and i'd be limited to living my last moments in a hospital! why would i want that. i think i'd rather just drop dead, doing something that i'm happy doing or something . lol sure it might scare a few people, but they'll get over it in time right? is it selfish? and no, im not suicidal.
the thing is. i've always thought that i was sort of invincible - in the way that i could get hurt but i couldnt die - not yet, because i'm still doing God's work. right? He wouldn't let me die if i'm doing His work right? i'm not too sure anymore, because it seems like these pains have been occurring a bit more frequently now.. and i dont know what to do. i dont want to see anyone about it. i think i'd rather not know.
i want to live to my fourties because i want to experience life a bit more, life on earth anyway. i want to have someone to take care of, someone to love i guess, and go to university, get a job...... do something engineering....... just live. i don't mind if i dont have kids or if i just get a dog. i just want to be able to move out of this house, move into the university, move out of the university, go to real job interviews, go to work, go home, move in with somebody, get married? lol if they dont mind that i'm going to die early. and then just continue doing God's work on earth i guess, but that's all i want... maybe it's too much. or maybe i'm just being stupid thinking about this stuff.
if i get checked out, and it turns out that it's a minor thing, common and curable, then id have to spend a few hours to a few months in a hospital getting the help i need. if i need any help. lol what am i saying. i'm probably just imagining things. sigh. but i'm scared to go to the hospital because i cant even read up about people getting surgery or needles or blood transfusions or something like that without feeling queasy. how am i supposed to go to the hospital and be calm while they take my blood? or put needles in me? or do stuff to me while i'm still awake and feeling things?
maybe i've been in denial my whole life - from the moment it first started. the first sign that i remember having anyway. i was playing in the snow with my best friend at the time, i think probably sometime between grades 2-5. we were building some sort of fort maybe? i dont remember much, only that after we built a wall i laid down in the snow, and then i felt a sharp stabbing pain in my chest, right where i imagine my heart would be. it was over in about 1 second, but i was so scared i didnt move until i was sure that the pain wouldn't come back. ever since then i'd get these pains once in a while, and occasionally i'd get a bit of heart burn, and someitmes pain in random places.... but they could be caused by other things. sometimes when i'm in bed, and i roll around or switch to a different position, i would feel a sharp pain in my body somewhere inside, and then i would stop moving, then slowly try to move onto my back.... or if it hurt more, then i'd move where it wouldn't hurt. and then i'd just stay in that position until it passed. this didnt really happen too often, months could go by without anything like that happenning... but it happened again today. inclass. and i remember it happened before in class too, except i just let it pass, and thought nothing of it. maybe i am in denial? i dont know. i just brushed it aside and drank some water.
so today in econ the teacher was telling us a story (near the end of the period) and it was funny and stuff but at some point during that time, i felt a sharp pain, kind of like my heart was being clenched by someone or something liek that i'm not really sure, which is why i dont want to go to anyone about it. i cant even describe it to myself, how can anyone help me. do i want help. what if i'm wrong and just imagining? maybe it's just nothing. but anyway. i knew i needed some water to make me feel better. it always helps. sometimes before i go to bed, i'll drink some water and then after i drink it i'll feel it go down and it feels like it's surrounding my heart, and then i can relax.
i read online, because i've looked up these symptoms before, when i had them in the past, that it could be that there wasn't enough oxygen getting into my heart - which would explain drinking water? H2O? it could also be caused by stress, and i guess i've been feeling stressful lately, but i'm always like that arent i? or i dont know. lol if i'm stressful or not. i just kind of daze out whenever. or something. i dont know. my mom refused to believe that i was stressed, i remember because one time some specialist told my mom and i that my skin was so crappy because i was stressed, and my mom just laughed and said, "what stress?" so apparantly i'm not stressed.
i might have something called angina? thats what it seems like so far, except that there's other things like gallbladder something that is very similar and can seem like angina. so i dont know. it might have just been a panic attack, but i dont remember being anxious or scared of anything at any of the times that i had this symptom. so i doubt its that. i dont know. i looked up other symptoms that include denial, shortness of breath, pain in left side of body, pain in left arm, jaw, chest, nervousness, sweating, etc.... similar to heart attacks.....so yeah. but im thinking that i only experience some of thoses symptoms afterwards, after the pain... because i'm like sweating, trying to relax my body and heart area, unflexing, relaxing certain muscles, trying to subtly move in a more comfortable position, so maybe thats why i get nervous and sweat. so maybe its not that . i dont know. i dont think i want to know.
the good thing is that i have my physical check up sometime next week... so maybe they'll find something? but last year i was thinking the same thing and they didnt find anything other than a slightly high cholesterol - which by the way is hereditary in my family. my mom refuses to believe that i have high cholesterol, so she'll always make comments about how all the seafood and foods high in cholesterol that my dad can't eat when we go out should be eaten by me since i dont have it - but i do. and she wont listen and sometimes it just really makes me question whether or not she really cares about me being alive. sigh but of course she does. maybe she just doesnt understand. why wouldn't you believe a doctor? especially when you've known him for (my) whole life? that's not the point. but yeah, should i tell him if he doesnt find anything strange? what if i pass out when he takes my blood? (i didnt last time but you never know). why would i want to put my family and friends through that crap about knowing that i'm going to die soon. ugh. what to do.
i could just do what i've always done: ignore it.
i cant believe i never really took it seriously until now. when my birthday is tomorrow. this is just the best time for things like this.
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