I Fell Too

Last night was the longest and hardest (combined) night of my life. Where do I start. So many different emotions went through me all day...

First, I almost died. My boss was driving me back from a business trip and we were going downhill. The car slid and drifted on ice/snow, and we did a 180. We ended up facing the top of the hill, but thankfully the oncoming traffic managed to avoid us and we were able to get back to safety. Praise the Lord. Oh my goodness. It could have been so easy to just crash and die right there. If there had been an island in the middle of the road, if there were pedestrians, if there was a lot more traffic, if the car hit the curb instead of going towards the centre of the road. The funny thing is that both of us were really calm through the whole thing. It was kind of cool. haha. I'm glad I survived to tell the story.

Then I went to drop off some pages to a friend at the end of my work, and we had a conversation that I hadn't expected. I think we were both able to get something off our chests and just say it straight up. It was some really good bonding time although it was through something sad that happened. I'm really glad that I had that talk; it got me thinking.

I rushed home afterwards, to cook my chicken wings that I had marinated the night before for potluck! It took longer than usual but it's okay. I ended up going late but I saw some friends along the way so I was glad that I wasn't going alone. I was really happy when I got there. It was our last fellowship of the term and everyone was so jolly and having a good time together in community. I was so warm in my heart. I didn't eat too much because most of the food was gone by the time I got there, but that's okay.

After fellowship, a bunch of us went to find some boxes and then went to a giant hill to go tobogganing. It was really fun. I had missed winter, and playing outside in the snow. I really enjoyed it. Although I didn't talk much with anyone during that time, just being around everyone who was having fun made it fun for me and I just went down the hill as many times as I could before we all decided to leave. I miss these kinds of shenanigans.

Then I went to my friend's place and my friend made me some food knowing that I didn't get to eat much earlier. Then we just watched chef Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares and played some video games. Just some good old chill time. We talked a bit but everything started to feel like it was going downhill after another friend came. Then it got kind of serious. We all were hurt by this girl and it was hard because I didn't really realize it. The whole time, I was telling them that they needed to stay away from her because she was hurting them, as she did with a few of my other friends and all I wanted was for this to stop. I hated seeing all my friends fall into the same pattern, get hurt, and then be in pain. There was too much drama going on that I hadn't really realized that I also needed to stop seeing her and stay away. I had known, deep inside me somewhere that she was bad news, but something else inside me pushed me to hang out with her anyway. I thought that I could save her. I thought that I could change her by being her friend. I thought that I could save my friends too, but it turned out to be hypocritical on my part because I wasn't doing the same. They told me this, and I didn't take it well. I was really stubborn and tried to fight them. Then at some point, I realized that I was being fake to her. I was pretending to be her friend, thinking that if I tried hard enough, I would be able to love her and then help her. I hated what she was doing to my friends. I had already told her to stop but I guess my words weren't strong enough. Dang. Boy was I wrong. I needed to get away too. Anyway, the whole night we were just arguing about this and in the end we all just fell asleep. I had a bit to drink, so it kind of nulled the pain of my friends telling me that I was wrong. I refused to believe them and I didn't want to. I was in denial. I didn't want to know that all my efforts of trying really hard to love this girl as a friend went to waste. They didn't want me to get hurt but I guess we all did. I am too optimistic, too stubborn, and too caring for my own good. I need to stop trying to help everybody, stop trying to save the world, because that's too much for me and I wasn't doing a very good job anyway. I was harming more than helping, and they pointed that out to me too. It hurt at the moment, but this morning (or after 2 hours of sleep I got) I realized that they were just being good friends and speaking truth to me. Much respect for anyone who can deal with me. But it was a lot to digest. Such a heavy night. At least now, I know that they do care for me and we aren't mad at each other anymore (after I apologized this morning). Phew. What a long day. I fell asleep at 5, when we stopped talking and I woke up around 7, really sharp and alert. I thought about everything they said, and then pieced everything together (because I was really tired and in denial at night) and then it all made more sense. Sigh. I feel like the line in this song, "this love has taken its toll on me" - except in terms of friendship, and my heart was the one being broken.

I also read Proverbs 15 since I couldn't fall back asleep after I woke up and went home (eyes too sore and small headache). I feel like it was quite appropriate to my situation at the moment.

verse 1, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

verse 4, "The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit."

verse 13, "A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit."

verse 14, "The discerning heart seeks knowledge, but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly."

verse 17, "Better a meal of vegetables where there is love, than a fattened calf with hatred."

verse 28, "The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil."

verse 32, "He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding."

verse 33, "The fear of the Lord teaches a man wisdom, and humility comes before honour."

Dear God, please save me. Save us all. I know that I am not the one to save everyone. Please forgive me for not listening to my friends and for bearing hatred and pretense to the girl. I am really sad and I feel like I failed to love her as I should, and I realized that I can't love her. I'm not strong enough God, and I need help to stay away and not be influenced anymore. God, I'm thankful for my friends who were brave enough to tell me that I was wrong and I am really glad that they cared enough about me to say something. I also am really hurt by what she did to me and I pray that you can help her not to hurt anyone anymore. I pray that you speak to her and that you help my friends and I to get over this. Please give us wisdom and guide us to make the right relationships and trust in the right people. I pray that all our relationships will be to glorify Your name instead of being fake. Please also give us rest. Thank you for this beautiful day and for loving me even though I am so unworthy. I don't want to be simple anymore, please help me to be wise. In Christ's name, Amen.