Today was hard for me. I got to see many of my old friends that I haven't been in touch with for three and a half years now. It was hard because I was happy to see them but so much has happened that we weren't around to experience with each other that it seems like we don't really know each other anymore. As I am typing this I am beginning to feel like this is a really petty thing to be upset about and that I'm just stupid.
I finally got a job back home, so after two and a half years of living in another city, I am going to come home. But it doesn't feel like I'm coming home. Maybe it's because I've invested so much in my community here now that I'm going to miss it. Maybe it's because i feel like I'm actually living my life here; I make my own choices, do my own things, and its me who chose to be here, who chose to do the things I did and make the friends I made. Maybe its because I have a history of avoiding the past; and coming home will remind me of the past and I'm afraid to face it.
It'd be different if I went to another country. If I got that job in Singapore, I would expect to feel out of place and I'm fine with that. I would be moving forward, taking on adventures in a new place, and spending time discovering more about myself while seeing the world.
But no, for some reason, God is sending me home. I've made my life too comfortable now, and now I am going to be uprooted so I can grow. This should be a good thing and I know that I should have hopes and be excited and happy but maybe that will come in my next post. Today, I just want to express my anxieties and let the stresses out.
I don't want to come home because I will miss the place I now call home, and the people there. I don't want to come home because I know it will be hard to rekindle my relationships with friends who haven't left. I am afraid. I'm not very good at being social. I want to blame it on being an engineering student, but I know that there's more to it than that. I'm lazy. I have to put effort into remembering things about people, I have to care about them, I have to start over, basically. I hate making new friends, small talk, and sometimes being with people. No, that's not true. I think I like thinking that I don't like being with people because its a good excuse to make me feel better about being bad at having friends. I just don't want to face the reality that I'm, a really bad friend and I'm avoiding improvement because I don't want to change. I want things to change but I don't want to change myself. Isn't that ridiculous?
Sometimes I don't know what to do with myself. What do I want? What am I willing to do to get what I want? What's the point?
I am sorry to anyone reading this because this post sucks. Please come back for my next post and I really do hope that it is my jolly one where I make a bunch of realizations and have motivation to change and see my next term in a better light.
I finally got a job back home, so after two and a half years of living in another city, I am going to come home. But it doesn't feel like I'm coming home. Maybe it's because I've invested so much in my community here now that I'm going to miss it. Maybe it's because i feel like I'm actually living my life here; I make my own choices, do my own things, and its me who chose to be here, who chose to do the things I did and make the friends I made. Maybe its because I have a history of avoiding the past; and coming home will remind me of the past and I'm afraid to face it.
It'd be different if I went to another country. If I got that job in Singapore, I would expect to feel out of place and I'm fine with that. I would be moving forward, taking on adventures in a new place, and spending time discovering more about myself while seeing the world.
But no, for some reason, God is sending me home. I've made my life too comfortable now, and now I am going to be uprooted so I can grow. This should be a good thing and I know that I should have hopes and be excited and happy but maybe that will come in my next post. Today, I just want to express my anxieties and let the stresses out.
I don't want to come home because I will miss the place I now call home, and the people there. I don't want to come home because I know it will be hard to rekindle my relationships with friends who haven't left. I am afraid. I'm not very good at being social. I want to blame it on being an engineering student, but I know that there's more to it than that. I'm lazy. I have to put effort into remembering things about people, I have to care about them, I have to start over, basically. I hate making new friends, small talk, and sometimes being with people. No, that's not true. I think I like thinking that I don't like being with people because its a good excuse to make me feel better about being bad at having friends. I just don't want to face the reality that I'm, a really bad friend and I'm avoiding improvement because I don't want to change. I want things to change but I don't want to change myself. Isn't that ridiculous?
Sometimes I don't know what to do with myself. What do I want? What am I willing to do to get what I want? What's the point?
I am sorry to anyone reading this because this post sucks. Please come back for my next post and I really do hope that it is my jolly one where I make a bunch of realizations and have motivation to change and see my next term in a better light.
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