Started off as a typical rainy day, the gloom stayed outside, but the cold followed me into the school. My school seriously needs to be renovated, or at least fix our heating/cooling system (thermostat). The only warm places were the library, and other rooms with computers in them. Some rooms without windows were warm too, but they were smelly. Anyway, I was glad to find out that the weather had warmed up when I was finally free from the prison they call school. Yes, I skipped chemistry today, and that's due to a combination of a few factors; the stinky room, the cold atmosphere, the supply teacher, having information that nothing was accomplished during that class anyway, and knowing that there was going to be a lockdown. So I went to the library, where it was warm. It turned out that some people I knew were there too, so we just talked and did chemistry anyway haha. At least it wasn't a waste, and I was comfortable and not in an environment that would breed sickness.
So while I was busing home today, I had plenty of time to think. Since nobody I know takes the same bus as me home, I had noone to talk to and I had also left my music and book (yes, I read on the bus) at home. I don't know what happened, or why I started to think about the things that I thought about. Perhaps it was the gloomy weather and the fact that I was alone that drew me to think about why I seem to have crawllen back into my little shell, isolated from everyone but the occasional krill that happened to pass by. It was this question, and the events of this morning that led me to an interesting epiphany that hit me hard. It was my persistence in finding answers and the insistence that I must be able to prove, with logical sequences that it was in fact truth, that I came to realize, that I resented my mother for my loneliness.
In the time frame of 10 minutes, the epiphany came to me after 9 minutes of serious pondering. During the last minute, my body knew, from routine, to pull the string to notify the driver that I wanted to get off the bus - and I was thankful for that as my mind was in a state of horror, and shock at the time, and I was barely able to pay attention to my movements in getting off the bus. After safely crossing the street, my thoughts resumed. How could this have happened? It couldn't have been just her fault for this. I could hardly believe that I actually and fully blamed my own mother, who constantly proclaims her love for me, for making me someone who doesn't know how to talk to people or make friends that I can actually call friends in my heart, someone who wants to fit in and be part of a community that wants her too. But that can't be helped. We were made to be social beings. We were made to form a community and live peacefully with each other, to grow together in Christ, to help each other out. So it isn't my fault for wanting that, no. No. So I walked into my house, and hearing no response from anyone who was inside, I decided to take my dog for a walk, since I needed time to think, and - of course, away from anyone who would get in the way of my thoughts.
I thought about a lot of things. My childhood at home, my childhood at school, interactions I had with people, the kinds of friends I had, and how I maintained those friendships, the things I did to spend my time. 18 years, 365 days a regular year, plus 18/4 times 366 days during leap years, times another 24 hours to get about 157788 hours. PLUS 5 months, 16 days, and 4+12 hours. A number too large to continue calculating, to get me to the time I discovered a part of me that I had never really thought too deeply about, but was almost always on my mind. Walking to the park, with a little kid following behind. I guess I was walking too slowly, as it took half my journey to the park for her to catch up and pass me. So many thoughts were running through my head. I was surprised I was able to keep a train of thought and not go off on a million tangents, but I kept diving deeper and deeper. It has been so long since I could actually focus on my past that I was actually able to dig up some memories that I could have never reached, on any other given moment. Mostly because I usually stop trying to remember things, and also because lately it seems like everything that has happened has all happened in a blur, and I have finally decided to get out my magnifying glass and squint my eyes to try and decipher the codes that would unlock the hazy barrier. I was actually not disturbed by anything, other than the occassional alertness when I needed to cross the streets, or when my dog refused to follow along.
By the time we reached the park, the rain had already started, but it was only slightly more than spitting. I was still thinking about the impacts that my not being able to go out or go over to friend's houses for anything more than a project or a birthday party had had on me. I already knew that my lack of exposure to social events that most kids are able to attend affected my relationships with people that I had found to be pleasant, or fun to be around. I knew that I had missed out on furthering friendships, and missing out on fun gatherings and was therefore at a lesser of an advantage when it came to how important of a friend I was to someone else. But then again, that was when I was still in elementary school. Although I took no interest in the girly conversations that people that I "should" hang out with, in the eyes of society, that didn't mean that I had no female friends. That being said, the way I met my first best friend was only because we had to babysit her and she lived with us for some time, and it was only during her stay at my house that I was able to socialize with her. After she moved away, I met someone else, another girl that was allowed to come over to my house occasionally. My mother wasn't really big on having friends over, but at the time I guess she was alright, girls only though. Then a second time, she also had to move away, and I was left alone. Which was pretty interesting, because then it led to my next encounter - meeting the girl that would eventually become my best friend for the next few years. This was in grade two. We were both leaning against the same wall, at recess or lunch time, one or the other. I don't know why we were there, but we just were, and I saw her and this is what happened next.
Me: Hey...are you a loner?
Her: What's a loner?
Me: Wanna be friends?
I guess I just assumed she was a loner - which is kind of funny because at the time, that conversation wasn't awkward at all, maybe because we weren't old enough to know what awkward was. Anyway, it was through her that I started finding ways to escape the home that became my prison when my mother wouldn't let me leave the house to play at the park, or go to friend's houses to play on their gaming consoles. No, I have no gaming consoles, and have never owned one. There were only very scarce occasions where I was allowed to go over to my friend's houses and play - days where I assume my parents needed a break from me. During the times where I was stuck at home, I escaped from boredom and the lack of friends to play with by watching anime, reading books, talking to my stuffed animals, and teaching to my class of pebbles who sat in an old egg carton. These were the things on the venn diagram that overlapped my parent's approval, and my own approval. We also had scheduled activities that I learned to enjoy, that were also on my parent's list of things I must/could do. These include swimming lessons, skating lessons, piano lessons, and even the one time that I had an art class on drawing cartoons.
Walking up and down the giant hill at the park, towards the playground, I realized that the fact that I wasn't allowed to really develop any friendships with people outside of school hours meant that I should have had lots of time to harvest a skill of some sort, whether it be a sport, a musical instrument, or even a subject. So what did I do with my time? What did I trade the time to socialize with people with? What did I gain? Nothing, really. If I could think of a useful skill that I have mastered, it would be imagination. All those hours spent on imagining and recreating images and scenes from a book, an anime, and just plain day dreaming. It didn't hit me at the time, that I had been, and still was spending all that energy and time wishing that I was someone else. Wishing that I could have been born in an era with dragons, wishing that I had the ability to teleport, implicitly wishing that I wasn't just a lonley little girl, stuck at home, only able to experience life outside through stories that my friends had retold to me. It wasn't a big deal then. I could live with flipping pages, and being mesmerized by fairytales, being distracted by sports, dissolving into the musical world (when I wasn't being forced to practise, that is) .
Nothing made me realize what I was missing more than seeing my sister's relationship with her friends, and how they all seemed to know each other really well and they all seemed to have a lot of fun with each other, and the fact that the people that I thought I was friends with all started drifting away from me because they didn't just want a friendship with me that only consisted of hanging out with me at school and talking to me over the internet. It hurt that people didn't find me interesting to be around anymore, because I didn't go out, because I wasn't able to go places with them to play, or to chill. When I got to the age where my sister had been able to go out with friends and chill with them, I assumed that I would have been able to do so as well, only to find that when I asked to, my request was denied. I was told to go home straight afterschool and there would always be a hard time for me if I came back later than the alloted traveling time. It wasn't that bad, I was still able to talk to friends while walking with them to the bus stop, and occasionally dropping by a donut shop or bakery to grab something to eat. Whenever I wanted to stay out later though, I would call home and I was either always denied, or I would lie and tell my parents that I was going to a friend's house to do an emergency project that I had forgotten was due the next day. There was always an excuse. But I hated lying to my parents. It felt so wrong, so I gradually lied less, or told lies embedded with a glimmer of truth. So through my lies I was able to experience a taste of what it was like to be around my friends at school outside of school. There were many adventures that were had, and I was finally able to experience it all first hand.
While making the loop around the pond, my dog and I were confronted by a cloud of flies or mosquitos (if they're back already), similar to the state my mind was in after realizing that the "popular" people that I had been hanging out with not too many years ago actually didn't love me for who I was, or really care if I was there at all. Actually, they may have not wanted me to be there at all, other than a few times where they wanted to see my reaction to some things that happened. Anyway, after each shattering discovery so called "friends" who seemed to have alterior motives or just lost interest in me, and some mutually, I still continued to seek the approval, acceptance, and misguided love from all the wrong people. This ultimately left me with pretty much nothing but an utterly lost and my identity was almost completely stripped from me. I turned into a very cautious person that only did things that I thought would please someone else, and thought of it as being considerate, when it was more like being stepped on, like the many pieces of geese poo that I made sude my dog and I avoided. And for what? Nothing. It didn't matter what I did. Nothing was ever enough.
All I became, was just someone else. I wasn't me. I wasn't who I was meant to be. So I decided not to care anymore. Why did it matter if I was accepted? Why did it matter if I was loved by people, or if what I did was approved by others? I decided that I would just do what I would do and I would stop lying to my parents too, and try my best to be good. But it was really hard not to care, and I also still knew that I cared, so that didn't quite work out. Of course, during my walk, I also thought about God, and how He could have let all this happen to me. How could He have left me in the care of a mother who didn't want me to have friends because she was afraid I would meet all the wrong people and turn into one of them? Well I did meet all the wrong people, but I didn't "turn into" one of them. No matter the efforts of my parents, who just thought that they would be able to develop a better relationship with me by forcing me to stay at home, and potentially spend time with them, I didn't see it. All I knew, was that I was being deprived of something that seemed valuable, friendships - and all along resentment for being deprived of this one thing built up inside without me consciously knowing. God made me a certain way. God created me, and He gave me gifts and my own identity, that I would be able to find only through Him. He knows me, what I like, what I enjoy doing, and how I am. Through all my heartaches in trying to find acceptance and love from people - people who eventually betrayed me or who decided that I was not worth their time, God was there. He wanted me to see that I was looking in all the wrong places, that I was just creating these delusions to fill the emptiness in me. If I hadn't been rejected by my peers and by society, I wouldn't know the magnitude of God's love and acceptance of me. Although it seems like I could have been saved all the trouble and pain if God had just forced me into His arms, or changed the people around me so that they liked me, I would never have been able to experience the peace and love that He had for me. I also wouldn't have had free will, and neither would have the people around me. He wanted me to love Him on my own, and to know that only He will love me back perfectly and without fail. I also can't put all of the blame on my mother for what happened, since it has led me to God. She also had misguided love for me, in that what she thought was best for me may not have actually been what was best for me, since it led to my resenting her. I was also able to see, through her perspective, and was reminded that she also had a harsh childhood, and the one she gave me was already a big improvement. That has to mean something.
And so, I have concluded that I do forgive my mother, and I know that I haven't been treating her right either. With all this resentment that I can now entrust to God to remove from me, I still can not use it as an excuse for the way that I have been treating her. This morning, I yelled at her for complaining about how she has to make my breakfast all the time and how I should be doing it myself and stuff, when I had already made my breakfast the night before and she knew that - and I know this because she took it out and put it next to the stove, to warm it up. But I was frustrated because I already told her that I never asked her to make breakfast - infact, I ask her not to, but she always insists anyway and then blames me for causing her trouble. She also almost ruined my breakfast (croissant) because she left it next to the stove, where the stuff on the inside was supposed to be eaten chilled. So anyway, after all this fuss, her last remark was this, "You treat me like your servant." with a hint of sniffles. Can you imagine how insulted and guilty at the same time I felt? I felt insulted because that was not how I thought I was treating her, and in fact, that's how I felt she was treating me. I felt guilty because I made her cry. But then I also felt like she was just using that as a guilt trip tactic. Sigh. But how can I say that about her? and the tears seemed real enough, so yeah - it probably wasn't a guilt trip this time. =( Oh, and I also yelled at her for talking to me and spitting into my lunch especially when she was sick. I know, I'm like a really bad germaphobe because I make other people feel offended sometimes, but I am just really disturbed and when I try to explain it I just feel guilty and stuff but still grossed out. So I don't know, it's a touchy subject. Anyway, so I tried to make up with her in the car, because I didn't want her to feel that I didn't love her, and I didn't want her to think that I didn't respond to her remark about being a servant meant that her statement was true. So I explained in a very calm and nice voice (it was really hard to have patience) why I was angry that she put my croissant next to the stove, and indirectly "spat" in my food while she was talking to me. I said it was just that I didn't want to get sick especially around exam time (I left out the part where it's really gross), and she understood - I think. She said that I didn't love her anymore, like I did when I was little, with all the kisses and everything. I just told her that as I grew older, the way I showed my love to her changed as well, and it's just that she hasn't seen it. It's just like converting energy. Energy stays constant, it is only transformed into another form of energy. The love for her doesn't change, it just changes in the way I display it. She didn't tell me how she was loving me... but I guess I could've asked. This is another answered prayer, for an opportunity to talk to my mom about our relationship, and the fact that I've realized why I felt so much hatred towards her for the majority of my life, and now I can forgive her for contribution to the pain in loneliness that I felt. The hard part now, is changing my attitude towards her and my actions and the way I treat her... pray that God will guide me and give me strength to do this. And He will, because He is capable of everything and anything, Almighty God.
The beauty of tears on a rainy day is that noone can tell that you're crying (unless your facial expression gives it away, but poker face, man). As I walked back home, everytime I saw some people approaching I'd have to dry my eyes using the shoulder part of my sweater because my hands were too dirty to touch my eyes. I didn't wash them since the last time I used the washroom at school, which was inbetween my last two classes. When I got home, I just quickly dropped my bag and grabbed my dog. lol.
James 1:5-7
5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.
Psalm 23:4
Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
2 Corinthians 1:3-7 (NIV)
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
So while I was busing home today, I had plenty of time to think. Since nobody I know takes the same bus as me home, I had noone to talk to and I had also left my music and book (yes, I read on the bus) at home. I don't know what happened, or why I started to think about the things that I thought about. Perhaps it was the gloomy weather and the fact that I was alone that drew me to think about why I seem to have crawllen back into my little shell, isolated from everyone but the occasional krill that happened to pass by. It was this question, and the events of this morning that led me to an interesting epiphany that hit me hard. It was my persistence in finding answers and the insistence that I must be able to prove, with logical sequences that it was in fact truth, that I came to realize, that I resented my mother for my loneliness.
In the time frame of 10 minutes, the epiphany came to me after 9 minutes of serious pondering. During the last minute, my body knew, from routine, to pull the string to notify the driver that I wanted to get off the bus - and I was thankful for that as my mind was in a state of horror, and shock at the time, and I was barely able to pay attention to my movements in getting off the bus. After safely crossing the street, my thoughts resumed. How could this have happened? It couldn't have been just her fault for this. I could hardly believe that I actually and fully blamed my own mother, who constantly proclaims her love for me, for making me someone who doesn't know how to talk to people or make friends that I can actually call friends in my heart, someone who wants to fit in and be part of a community that wants her too. But that can't be helped. We were made to be social beings. We were made to form a community and live peacefully with each other, to grow together in Christ, to help each other out. So it isn't my fault for wanting that, no. No. So I walked into my house, and hearing no response from anyone who was inside, I decided to take my dog for a walk, since I needed time to think, and - of course, away from anyone who would get in the way of my thoughts.
I thought about a lot of things. My childhood at home, my childhood at school, interactions I had with people, the kinds of friends I had, and how I maintained those friendships, the things I did to spend my time. 18 years, 365 days a regular year, plus 18/4 times 366 days during leap years, times another 24 hours to get about 157788 hours. PLUS 5 months, 16 days, and 4+12 hours. A number too large to continue calculating, to get me to the time I discovered a part of me that I had never really thought too deeply about, but was almost always on my mind. Walking to the park, with a little kid following behind. I guess I was walking too slowly, as it took half my journey to the park for her to catch up and pass me. So many thoughts were running through my head. I was surprised I was able to keep a train of thought and not go off on a million tangents, but I kept diving deeper and deeper. It has been so long since I could actually focus on my past that I was actually able to dig up some memories that I could have never reached, on any other given moment. Mostly because I usually stop trying to remember things, and also because lately it seems like everything that has happened has all happened in a blur, and I have finally decided to get out my magnifying glass and squint my eyes to try and decipher the codes that would unlock the hazy barrier. I was actually not disturbed by anything, other than the occassional alertness when I needed to cross the streets, or when my dog refused to follow along.
By the time we reached the park, the rain had already started, but it was only slightly more than spitting. I was still thinking about the impacts that my not being able to go out or go over to friend's houses for anything more than a project or a birthday party had had on me. I already knew that my lack of exposure to social events that most kids are able to attend affected my relationships with people that I had found to be pleasant, or fun to be around. I knew that I had missed out on furthering friendships, and missing out on fun gatherings and was therefore at a lesser of an advantage when it came to how important of a friend I was to someone else. But then again, that was when I was still in elementary school. Although I took no interest in the girly conversations that people that I "should" hang out with, in the eyes of society, that didn't mean that I had no female friends. That being said, the way I met my first best friend was only because we had to babysit her and she lived with us for some time, and it was only during her stay at my house that I was able to socialize with her. After she moved away, I met someone else, another girl that was allowed to come over to my house occasionally. My mother wasn't really big on having friends over, but at the time I guess she was alright, girls only though. Then a second time, she also had to move away, and I was left alone. Which was pretty interesting, because then it led to my next encounter - meeting the girl that would eventually become my best friend for the next few years. This was in grade two. We were both leaning against the same wall, at recess or lunch time, one or the other. I don't know why we were there, but we just were, and I saw her and this is what happened next.
Me: Hey...are you a loner?
Her: What's a loner?
Me: Wanna be friends?
I guess I just assumed she was a loner - which is kind of funny because at the time, that conversation wasn't awkward at all, maybe because we weren't old enough to know what awkward was. Anyway, it was through her that I started finding ways to escape the home that became my prison when my mother wouldn't let me leave the house to play at the park, or go to friend's houses to play on their gaming consoles. No, I have no gaming consoles, and have never owned one. There were only very scarce occasions where I was allowed to go over to my friend's houses and play - days where I assume my parents needed a break from me. During the times where I was stuck at home, I escaped from boredom and the lack of friends to play with by watching anime, reading books, talking to my stuffed animals, and teaching to my class of pebbles who sat in an old egg carton. These were the things on the venn diagram that overlapped my parent's approval, and my own approval. We also had scheduled activities that I learned to enjoy, that were also on my parent's list of things I must/could do. These include swimming lessons, skating lessons, piano lessons, and even the one time that I had an art class on drawing cartoons.
Walking up and down the giant hill at the park, towards the playground, I realized that the fact that I wasn't allowed to really develop any friendships with people outside of school hours meant that I should have had lots of time to harvest a skill of some sort, whether it be a sport, a musical instrument, or even a subject. So what did I do with my time? What did I trade the time to socialize with people with? What did I gain? Nothing, really. If I could think of a useful skill that I have mastered, it would be imagination. All those hours spent on imagining and recreating images and scenes from a book, an anime, and just plain day dreaming. It didn't hit me at the time, that I had been, and still was spending all that energy and time wishing that I was someone else. Wishing that I could have been born in an era with dragons, wishing that I had the ability to teleport, implicitly wishing that I wasn't just a lonley little girl, stuck at home, only able to experience life outside through stories that my friends had retold to me. It wasn't a big deal then. I could live with flipping pages, and being mesmerized by fairytales, being distracted by sports, dissolving into the musical world (when I wasn't being forced to practise, that is) .
Nothing made me realize what I was missing more than seeing my sister's relationship with her friends, and how they all seemed to know each other really well and they all seemed to have a lot of fun with each other, and the fact that the people that I thought I was friends with all started drifting away from me because they didn't just want a friendship with me that only consisted of hanging out with me at school and talking to me over the internet. It hurt that people didn't find me interesting to be around anymore, because I didn't go out, because I wasn't able to go places with them to play, or to chill. When I got to the age where my sister had been able to go out with friends and chill with them, I assumed that I would have been able to do so as well, only to find that when I asked to, my request was denied. I was told to go home straight afterschool and there would always be a hard time for me if I came back later than the alloted traveling time. It wasn't that bad, I was still able to talk to friends while walking with them to the bus stop, and occasionally dropping by a donut shop or bakery to grab something to eat. Whenever I wanted to stay out later though, I would call home and I was either always denied, or I would lie and tell my parents that I was going to a friend's house to do an emergency project that I had forgotten was due the next day. There was always an excuse. But I hated lying to my parents. It felt so wrong, so I gradually lied less, or told lies embedded with a glimmer of truth. So through my lies I was able to experience a taste of what it was like to be around my friends at school outside of school. There were many adventures that were had, and I was finally able to experience it all first hand.
While making the loop around the pond, my dog and I were confronted by a cloud of flies or mosquitos (if they're back already), similar to the state my mind was in after realizing that the "popular" people that I had been hanging out with not too many years ago actually didn't love me for who I was, or really care if I was there at all. Actually, they may have not wanted me to be there at all, other than a few times where they wanted to see my reaction to some things that happened. Anyway, after each shattering discovery so called "friends" who seemed to have alterior motives or just lost interest in me, and some mutually, I still continued to seek the approval, acceptance, and misguided love from all the wrong people. This ultimately left me with pretty much nothing but an utterly lost and my identity was almost completely stripped from me. I turned into a very cautious person that only did things that I thought would please someone else, and thought of it as being considerate, when it was more like being stepped on, like the many pieces of geese poo that I made sude my dog and I avoided. And for what? Nothing. It didn't matter what I did. Nothing was ever enough.
All I became, was just someone else. I wasn't me. I wasn't who I was meant to be. So I decided not to care anymore. Why did it matter if I was accepted? Why did it matter if I was loved by people, or if what I did was approved by others? I decided that I would just do what I would do and I would stop lying to my parents too, and try my best to be good. But it was really hard not to care, and I also still knew that I cared, so that didn't quite work out. Of course, during my walk, I also thought about God, and how He could have let all this happen to me. How could He have left me in the care of a mother who didn't want me to have friends because she was afraid I would meet all the wrong people and turn into one of them? Well I did meet all the wrong people, but I didn't "turn into" one of them. No matter the efforts of my parents, who just thought that they would be able to develop a better relationship with me by forcing me to stay at home, and potentially spend time with them, I didn't see it. All I knew, was that I was being deprived of something that seemed valuable, friendships - and all along resentment for being deprived of this one thing built up inside without me consciously knowing. God made me a certain way. God created me, and He gave me gifts and my own identity, that I would be able to find only through Him. He knows me, what I like, what I enjoy doing, and how I am. Through all my heartaches in trying to find acceptance and love from people - people who eventually betrayed me or who decided that I was not worth their time, God was there. He wanted me to see that I was looking in all the wrong places, that I was just creating these delusions to fill the emptiness in me. If I hadn't been rejected by my peers and by society, I wouldn't know the magnitude of God's love and acceptance of me. Although it seems like I could have been saved all the trouble and pain if God had just forced me into His arms, or changed the people around me so that they liked me, I would never have been able to experience the peace and love that He had for me. I also wouldn't have had free will, and neither would have the people around me. He wanted me to love Him on my own, and to know that only He will love me back perfectly and without fail. I also can't put all of the blame on my mother for what happened, since it has led me to God. She also had misguided love for me, in that what she thought was best for me may not have actually been what was best for me, since it led to my resenting her. I was also able to see, through her perspective, and was reminded that she also had a harsh childhood, and the one she gave me was already a big improvement. That has to mean something.
And so, I have concluded that I do forgive my mother, and I know that I haven't been treating her right either. With all this resentment that I can now entrust to God to remove from me, I still can not use it as an excuse for the way that I have been treating her. This morning, I yelled at her for complaining about how she has to make my breakfast all the time and how I should be doing it myself and stuff, when I had already made my breakfast the night before and she knew that - and I know this because she took it out and put it next to the stove, to warm it up. But I was frustrated because I already told her that I never asked her to make breakfast - infact, I ask her not to, but she always insists anyway and then blames me for causing her trouble. She also almost ruined my breakfast (croissant) because she left it next to the stove, where the stuff on the inside was supposed to be eaten chilled. So anyway, after all this fuss, her last remark was this, "You treat me like your servant." with a hint of sniffles. Can you imagine how insulted and guilty at the same time I felt? I felt insulted because that was not how I thought I was treating her, and in fact, that's how I felt she was treating me. I felt guilty because I made her cry. But then I also felt like she was just using that as a guilt trip tactic. Sigh. But how can I say that about her? and the tears seemed real enough, so yeah - it probably wasn't a guilt trip this time. =( Oh, and I also yelled at her for talking to me and spitting into my lunch especially when she was sick. I know, I'm like a really bad germaphobe because I make other people feel offended sometimes, but I am just really disturbed and when I try to explain it I just feel guilty and stuff but still grossed out. So I don't know, it's a touchy subject. Anyway, so I tried to make up with her in the car, because I didn't want her to feel that I didn't love her, and I didn't want her to think that I didn't respond to her remark about being a servant meant that her statement was true. So I explained in a very calm and nice voice (it was really hard to have patience) why I was angry that she put my croissant next to the stove, and indirectly "spat" in my food while she was talking to me. I said it was just that I didn't want to get sick especially around exam time (I left out the part where it's really gross), and she understood - I think. She said that I didn't love her anymore, like I did when I was little, with all the kisses and everything. I just told her that as I grew older, the way I showed my love to her changed as well, and it's just that she hasn't seen it. It's just like converting energy. Energy stays constant, it is only transformed into another form of energy. The love for her doesn't change, it just changes in the way I display it. She didn't tell me how she was loving me... but I guess I could've asked. This is another answered prayer, for an opportunity to talk to my mom about our relationship, and the fact that I've realized why I felt so much hatred towards her for the majority of my life, and now I can forgive her for contribution to the pain in loneliness that I felt. The hard part now, is changing my attitude towards her and my actions and the way I treat her... pray that God will guide me and give me strength to do this. And He will, because He is capable of everything and anything, Almighty God.
The beauty of tears on a rainy day is that noone can tell that you're crying (unless your facial expression gives it away, but poker face, man). As I walked back home, everytime I saw some people approaching I'd have to dry my eyes using the shoulder part of my sweater because my hands were too dirty to touch my eyes. I didn't wash them since the last time I used the washroom at school, which was inbetween my last two classes. When I got home, I just quickly dropped my bag and grabbed my dog. lol.
James 1:5-7
5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.
Psalm 23:4
Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
2 Corinthians 1:3-7 (NIV)
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Feel free to leave a comment.