Musings of a Troubled Heart

Sometimes, it feels like a war inside of me, like I am conflicted with trying to convince myself that you love me, and I'm sure you do; so why don't I seem to know this?

-          Whenever you get interrupted in the middle of a conversation with me, you leave as if we were never talking after the other person finishes talking to you and forget that we were talking to begin with... and I was still waiting for you to reply, or I still had something more to say.

-          Every time I feel comfortable enough to share with you and show you the real me you ignore me and you don’t even look like you’re listening. Or that you care. Then you don’t even notice when I stop talking.

-          When you see me crying or see me when I’m sad, you don’t ask me what’s wrong. You just tell me to go cry somewhere else, where you can’t see or hear me. You laugh at me and you belittle my problems and feelings. You don’t even bother asking what’s wrong. You don’t try to talk it out to show me why my problem isn’t something that I should be crying over. You don’t take the time to talk to me and show me that you care and that you understand me or that you want to.

-          I just feel like I’m here for when you need me, and I’m dismissed when you don’t.

-          When I have exciting news or I am so happy that I want to tell you about it, you just shut me down and then make me feel that my news isn’t good news anymore.

-          You don’t respect my time. You make me feel like everything that I do, or that I’m trying to do is always less important than whatever it is that you want me to do. Even when I tell you that I’m going to be doing something for the next slot of time and I would appreciate it if I had some alone time, no it doesn’t seem to register and you just barge in on me and then I feel like I can’t be myself until I know I’m alone and unreachable.

-          Or when I tell you that I’m really busy right now doing homework or devos, you don’t seem to understand what it means to me, and you make me feel guilty for not putting your needs, no matter how little they are, first.

-          Quiet time is so rare that I’m always on my nerves and always expect it to end.

-          I feel like I’m always living in fear because I feel like every time I show myself to you, all you can do is critique me and that just makes me shy away and not want to do anything about it.

-          You tell me that I can confide in you, that I can tell you anything or tell you about my problems but every time I do I just get shut down, ignored, or belittled. And you just make things worse by adding to the enormous list of things that I’m already trying to fix. Maybe you think that the only way for me to be stronger is to leave me to deal with these things on my own, maybe you think that it’ll help me to just tell you what’s wrong and expect nothing more than an ear. But you don’t even give me that. Or at least it doesn’t seem like it. I don’t know. Sometimes I don’t listen to you either because you just repeat the same things over and over and it gets repetitive and it starts becoming something I just want to avoid altogether. Maybe you just don’t know what to say or how to react to what I say, so you just pretend that I didn’t say it. I don’t know. I’m tired of making excuses for you.  I’m tired of trying to make myself believe that I’m just interpreting things funny, that none of this is true and it’s just me. I’m just paranoid and scared. Maybe I’m just thinking too much.

-          You treat me like someone who doesn’t love you. And that’s not true because I really want to, but it hurts me every time you say that I don’t. You treat me like someone who doesn’t care about you, who doesn’t want you to be happy. And I think to myself, what am I doing wrong? How am I not showing enough love to you? Why does it never seem to be enough for you? Maybe the problem with me and you is that we want or expect the other person to show their love in one way, and only that way, so we do not see love when it is expressed in a different, unexpected way. It’s my fault too, but how can I show you love in your way if I don’t find it genuine enough for me? Am I supposed to just tell you that this is how I’m going to love you and hope that you understand? I know that I already have it good when you can say that you love me. Maybe I’m asking for too much. I just want you to show me, or just help me to see it. Sometimes I just feel like you do the minimum of what you think would be enough to show that you love me. It feels like you don’t want to take the time and put in effort to show that you love me more than just words, and fulfilling basic needs. Is it just me then, expecting too much?

-          You tell me to put on a show, to act like we love each other, so that people don’t judge or talk about us when really; I just feel dirty and fake doing it. I don’t care how people look at us. Why is it such a big deal? Friends aren’t friends if they leave you because you look bad.

-          Why do I cringe every time you call my name? Maybe because every time you call me it’s either for me to do something or to yell at me for something I did wrong. Maybe I’m just mistaking the tone of your voice for something harsher than it was meant to be, or that it actually was.

-          Every time I try to explain to you why I do what I do, you refuse to listen to me and you just change the topic or repeat your last complaint. Why do you always think I’m trying to hurt you? Why do you think that I’m purposely being stupid or purposely trying to make life difficult for you? I’m sure you ask yourself these same questions, about me. But maybe we just need to take the time to talk about this. To sort this out. Maybe it will help and heal the both of us. If you’d only give me the chance to speak without putting your walls up, or ignoring me. Why do you always run away from me when I try to talk to you about problems concerning me and you? I’m leaving soon and if we don’t sort this out then I’m afraid that we never will and it will become a burden to me for the rest of my life. Why can’t you see that it hurts me as much as it hurts you? Don’t you want to fix this? Or is it not as important to you as it is to me? What am I saying?

-          God please help me. I’m thinking about all these terrible things and how I feel so stuck that I can’t do anything to help myself. I feel so hopeless and so crushed. God. Tell me why we always hurt people and we don’t even know/mean it. It makes me sad to know that I won’t be able to love someone perfectly, that I will hurt them at some point. But I guess that’s the beauty of your love. We can never love the same way you do, which is why we can’t look to others to find this love. And the best part of it is that you are constantly trying to give us your love, and there will never be a shortage of it. God, how amazing you are. We wouldn’t know perfect love if everyone was able to give perfect love – it wouldn’t be amazing then, and we wouldn’t seek you. It’s only through you that we can experience this. Maybe this is a way that you lead us to you. When we search for perfect love, but we can’t find it, and it leads us to You. Maybe all these little bruises, hurts and scars along the way are just us trying to figure out how to balance on that bicycle, or how to snowboard like a pro. Maybe we need to feel pain to be able to fully appreciate and experience perfect love. It’s like one of those sayings that go, “without darkness there cannot be light”.

I’m just sitting here on my swirly chair, eating nuts and pondering. What would the world be like without You? Without a love that is perfect, unfailing, unconditional, and never ending? A love that knows no bounds? Definitely not a world I’d like to live in. Thank you so much for that. Haha I just wanna say, “Y U SO AWESOME?” hehehehe. Okay  I know I’m silly. =)

And then I replay a part of a conversation I had with a friend, and I remember she said, “What, so you think that God’s not big enough for your problems? Are you trying to say that He can’t help you?” and that just made me smile. =)

Ah, God. Lol I feel silly. I know, I know! Sigh. I should look to you first. Even if I can’t find anyone on earth to love me, remind me that your love is all I need and God, Your love is beautiful. I’m sorry that I don’t confide in you enough, and that I don’t have enough faith in you. I know you are faithful and you will never let me down, please make this a reality for me God, in all aspects, at all times. Help me to grow in your word and trust my life with you God. Please help me, give me strength to go on every day. Give me eyes to see the love that others are trying to show me, God please help me not to be so close minded in what I expect from others. Help me to love as you’ve loved us first. Show me how to love perfectly. Even though I know that I can never achieve that, because I’m not perfect, nor am I you, I will do my best to come as close as I can to reflecting and demonstrating your love to others, help me to love instead of hurt. Thank you for always being here for me.

In your son’s most precious name,

Amen.




Ephesians 5:1-2 (NIV)


Follow God's example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.


Romans 8:38-39 (NIV)
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_2qG22SPwU - Your Love Never Fails, Jesus Culture
(i know, i've posted this before, but like the first line says, "Nothing can separate" us from the love of God)