Things I Like About Studying

- making food to eat while i study
- making drinks to drink while i study
- going through old crap to make a pile of scrap paper
- labelling and organizing my notes and sheets by dates and topics, hole punching them, and then stapling the chapter together with review questions at the back
- making lists and charts to mark my progress, and how I’m going to study, what I will study first
- grabbing buttloads of writing utensils
- thinking of ways to memorize, or draw something
- finally realizing that I’ve done this before and it actually isn’t that hard
- getting a question right on the first try
- thinking of ways to solve a tricky problem
- making charts
- highlighting
- writing comments on my notes and work
- listening to music
- anything that is related to studying but isn’t actually studying, so I still feel productive
- finishing a section or chapter
- remembering something I didn’t think I would
- realizing that I actually studied and feeling prepared

now, if only I can convince myself to study!!!!

Time Management

Realization: i always feel swamped with so many things to do, but i always find myself relaxing. procrastinating. hours go by like minutes, and all i can think of is how i wish i had more time. but i do have enough time. im just not using it properly. im just not using it. what could i accomplish with those hours here and there spent overthinking, surfing the net, trying to finish watching series, staying caught up on shows instead of school. why am i so drawn to do nothing versus other things that i also enjoy? laziness has taken so much from me. taken away the things i like to do. im trapping myself in a cage of unproductiveness. why, even the things that i enjoy doing - i don’t do because i am drawn to laziness as a moth is to flames. don’t i know that if i stay too long i’ll get burned?

Action: here is my plan for the next three weeks until exam week:

go to school. practise guitar. eat. study for exams. free time if i finish studying. sleep. go!
start time: 8 am. end time: 12am.
8 hours of rest. i hope that's enough. taking fridays off. weekends are more flexible and for rest of the mind and body!

Goal: keep my scholarship. do well on exams. be productive.


don't forget devos + God!
Philipians 4:13 - I can do anything through Him who gives me strength.

Dreams?

I have a lot of dreams. Almost one every night. Sometimes I dream about impossible things; like flying over a soccer post while doing some kung fu, ignoring Santa Claus' offer to ride his sleigh and just fly by myself, watching a giant plushie war, travelling in a rocket to the moon with some other guy - and i was gonna be the first female there, and even crawling through boxes in my porch to escape from a wolf. Sometimes I dream about things that could happen; like a guy that I don't talk to scribbling something down onto a sheet of paper and then when I see it, I see "shy" written all over it, some guy telling me that he needed help escaping from a drug dealer who was forcing him to sell drugs, breaking into salvation army to breakdance...and then there's me giving an old salsa jar filled with poop to a friend who was trapped in a cage at the zoo... lol(I will not mention which friend, hehe - and he asked me to give it to him! so what was I supposed to do?). Then some dreams were so realistic that I thought it actually happened; waking up at 1pm and realizing that I was late for school, but then my dad offered to drive me somewhere (not to school... and then another guy offered me a ride to school instead, I got angry at my sister for snapping my guitar strings, I bought beansprouts and vegies with my mom and nofrills, and my mom buys a wii and then we realize that the "market" to buy games was too far away, so we didn't get any games.

haha. there are other types of dreams too, like ones that i actually think about and imagine. hmm. there were so many things that i wanted to be, so many things that i wanted to do. i wanted to write a novel. i wanted to write/draw a manga. i wanted to fly around the world in a hot air balloon. i wanted to go on a secret adventure with one other person. i wanted to survive a disaster. i wanted to catch a criminal. i wanted to solve a mystery. i wanted to beat diablo 2 in hell mode. i wanted to invent a trap or a method to catch spiders and move them outide without touching them or making a mess. i wanted to build one of those machines that get set off by something and then it affects another thing and then another and another? what are they called? Rube Goldberg machines. look it up in images. or go to wikipedia. i wanted to make one of those. i wanted to devise a way to keep things clean without having to touch it, or involve any intense labour. i wanted to become an artist. i wanted to dance. i wanted to sing/play a duet with someone. i wanted to design my own restaurant, and all the appliances inside. then in that restaurant, i would have a live band play while the customers ate, and i would cook! i wanted to build a robot that would bring me food. i wanted to ride a horse and actually gallop away somewhere. i wanted to surf. i wanted to play hockey. i wanted a dog(and PTL i got one). i wanted to do a lot of things.

what do i want to do now? still some of those things. i want to wander aimlessly around the city. i want to go rock climbing and ziplining (again). i want to be strong. i want to be able to talk to you like we once used to. i want to help. i don't want to see you like this - hurt and far away. i want you to just let me take care of you. i want to be more versatile with the guitar, and just music in general. i want to make one of those cakes you see on cake boss. haha those are so cool.

i guess you could say that i'm almost there. i'm almost at the stage where i'll be living on my own. where i'll be studying engineering - which i will hopefully do well in and enjoy... and not find out that it's not what i want to do (it's expensive!). i'll be able to have my own job where i can actually be of use to someone, and then i can spend money. loll not crazily though. i can meet new people i guess, so many experiences to have. i can go for late night snacks and drives. i can hang out with people when ever. i can finally get my hands on some equipment and software (at the uni) and get to work with stuff!

im also scared. to move on. to be away from what i am so familiar with. even if im not 100% happy here, it doesnt mean i'll be 100% happy there, but it'd be a nice change. or maybe not. depending on my roommate lol. i'd have to start doing a lot more things...and being more responsible for stuff. i would have a heavier workload. i would have to write a resume (or at least improve the one i have), i would have to do interviews and wear nicer clothes. i would have to go shopping by myself....... for myself... not that i dont. im just not good at it..and I dont go a lot. ... anyway..... i'd have to learn to live with possibly annoying or scary people...... um and learning to love is always a hard one. =/ hmm. dah..... i dont want to do anything stupid. but i dont want to not have fun either.. and there are gonna be so many more bigger problems to deal with . dah. anyway. im probably just scaring myself. =) and God's going to be with me anyway. i just need to keep focused on Him! I'll need to find a church to go to while im at uni too.

moving on is always hard. whether it's moving onto another stage of life, moving on from a relationship that has ended, moving into a new house or living space, moving schools, moving from one group of friends to another, moving from the things of the past to the present, moving on after an awkward or embarassing encounter, or from a problem. so i guess there are a few things to keep in mind. dont stop believing in God, and trusting in His word and having faith. believe that anything is possible when you have God on your side. believe that God loves me and has wonderful plans for me. believe that the problems i am faced with God knows i will be able to overcome and emerge a stronger person. allow God to guide me and seek Him for everything. love the Lord, and never forget what Christ did for me. the most comforting thing that i can know, is that none of what happens on earth really matters. money. social status. power. they mean nothing after we're dead. always look towards the future. live for God's glory and for the kingdom in heaven. in the end, everything else - the problems, the pain, the sufferring will be worth it. lol that sounds so cliche but yeah. in the "end" i should say. haha.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. - Joshua 1:9

my win for the day. + some other random stuff

I had this science teacher in grade 10. He was a perv - he put all the girls with bigger lady parts in the front rows, and the boys at the back (unless they were bad). He always had his camera out and ready to take photos.... ahhhghh. apparantly he has a seating plan on his desk with the  faces of his students next to their names. so creepy. lol anyway yeah D= i dont remember him doing that for my class...

so why is this relevant? WELL. i never thought i'd have him again. UNTIL TODAY. he supplied for my class. (yes he still teaches at my school). so. i had french... after lunch.. and when i walked by the classroom I SAW HIM. O_O inside.! so i thought okay, maybe hes just there from like lunch or something idk, maybe my teacher is still here. so i went to her office to find her, but i didnt see her. so i asked some teacher in the office for my teacher, and she said that my teacher's gone to a softball game, and would be back tomorrow. lol so i was horrified and happy at the same time. my teacher wasn't here, but we had that teacher. lol so i can skip right? yes yes yes

Summer

dah... tomorrow is already wednesday, which means the rest of the week will pass by really quickly. ! noo i am not ready for this weekend - i need to prac my guitar solos gahhh for a show on june 19 (less than a month from now), study for 6 exams that start june 13 (calc, econ, eng, fre, chem, phys), tech summative due next week (haven't started), new eng project (due sometime in june), finish applying for OSAP and res (find a roomate or live with a stranger), fix up my resume so i can get a job for coop... hehe... finish some admin stuff for the french program.... D= ah.

other than deadlines that are fast approaching, so is the airing of the interview i did last month on some chinese show. lol. it's one week today, and eek. LOL i can't wait to see my fail T_T ahhgh..... planning to go over to band leader's house to watch it. lol ahh.

also. tomorrow is grad breakfast - during period one...  lol i think im just going to skip this and sleep in. its not like i really care about mingling with other kids at my school, most of who(m?) i will see at university anyway. ugh. why. lol. and i dont really care about voting for the valedictorian. lol i dont even know if i want to go to my commencement etc. lol do i really care. ugh. maybe i'll change my view on this later. lol i juts want to get out. right now. =/ dahh. im not unhappy. but my school is so old and stinky and mouldy it's just gross.  if i had a choice to stay at school (with no consequences) or go off to uni (and go hardcore studying etc no life), i would rather go to uni. my school is moulding everywhere, there is no air con etc. so gross. so glad to finally get out.  so germy. i swear we're like breathing in mould, which makes us always exposed to germs and bacteria. fine, maybe i will do the yearbook thing and sign/get mine signed just so i wont regret it in the future, but yeah lol i dont really care anymore.

so. going to uni. lol. ahgh. yay and no at the same time. i dont know. =( im going to miss so many people. you cant choose a school based on who else will be there and also you cant tell someone not to go where they want to go just so you will be able to see them. but yeah it kind of sucks. lol =( poo. im going to school with a bunch of people from highschool and i dont even really want to see them again. seriously. ahhgh. but i cant tell them not to go and im not gonna not go so just gotta suck it up i guess. but yeah rahh why is everyone else that i would like to see in uni not going there raahhh. ohhhhh welllll =( maybe i'll go make some friends. or something. maybe they'll be nice to me. ahgh i hope whoever i room with wont be too dirty/germ spready.

and looked at my coop schedule for the next five years. maybe i can travel during work terms and visit people =)  that would be nice.

wheeeoo.......

jam

I hope I'll be able to find people to jam and play music with in university. =(   so much fun. makes me feel so alivee and happy

Love is Here

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLy-B9LuqMo - Tenth Avenue North

Come to the waters, you who thirst and you'll thirst no more.
Come to the Father, you who work and you'll work no more.
And all you who labor in vain and to the broken and shamed:

Love is here.
Love is now.
Love is pouring from
His hands, from His brows.
Love is near, it satisfies.
Streams of mercy flowing from His side.
Cuz love is here.

Come to the treasure, you who search and you'll search no more.
Come to the lover you who want and you'll want no more, no.
And all you who labor in vain to the broken and shamed

Love is here.
Love is now.
Love is pouring from
His hands, from His brows.
Love is near, it satisfies.
Streams of mercy flowing from His side.
Cuz love is here.

A Walk in the Park on a Rainy Day

Started off as a typical rainy day, the gloom stayed outside, but the cold followed me into the school. My school seriously needs to be renovated, or at least fix our heating/cooling system (thermostat). The only warm places were the library, and other rooms with computers in them. Some rooms without windows were warm too, but they were smelly. Anyway, I was glad to find out that the weather had warmed up when I was finally free from the prison they call school. Yes, I skipped chemistry today, and that's due to a combination of a few factors; the stinky room, the cold atmosphere, the supply teacher, having information that nothing was accomplished during that class anyway, and knowing that there was going to be a lockdown. So I went to the library, where it was warm. It turned out that some people I knew were there too, so we just talked and did chemistry anyway haha. At least it wasn't a waste, and I was comfortable and not in an environment that would breed sickness.

Eason Chan

so the influence is starting on me. i am now a fan of Eason Chan.


http://youtu.be/dq7n4Htajj4 - "Ten Years"

http://youtu.be/5MQfqBP1muc - "Bicycle"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gH7gwrd2oe4 - doing a cover of "boulevard of broken dreams" lol its so weird watching him like that. O_O + i love how the subs say "folding up" when he's supposed to swear. loll. that's too funny.

http://youtu.be/19S-x0DBEhU - his cover of "Hey Jude" is pretty cool too =) his english sounds pretty good when he sings. not much of an accent. i think thats something found common in people who have accents - it's not there or as prominent when they sing. i wonder why?  sidenote: he looks a lot better in that suit than in his concert, where he wore sweat pants and some nasty dangly scarf. lol but he looks a bit like.. dorky with one hand in his pocket. =) still good.

http://youtu.be/KN_iPemyXFo - "nothing ever happened" - sounds good!!!

another side note: http://youtu.be/C1RmjL6991M - i dont know who they are, but this is so cute! lol. the guy who originally had a guitar needs to cut his hair.  the hair makes him look dirty...reminds me of unwashed hair. ok so actually that's still eason chan LOL. i must say. he looks a lot better in this video than the other four i posted up there. maybe cauz thats when he was younger?WAIT. IT MAY NOT BE HIM! . . . AH. who is this guy then?
LOL okay nevermind..... um. the better looking guy is actually not eason. it's some nicholas guy. LOL. seriously wow. okay. well. i think eason got fatter in this video. LOL maybe its his clothing oh man. i feel terrible. can't tell the diff between chinese people. but i'm chinese. oh man...

Your Love, Oh Lord

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QEF7IoQ3eUk - Third Day

Your Love, oh Lord reaches to the heavens
Your faithfulness stretches to the sky
Your righteousness is like a mighty mountain
Your justice flows like the ocean tides
and I will lift my voice to worship you, my King
and I will find my strength in the shadow of Your wings

Musings of a Troubled Heart

Sometimes, it feels like a war inside of me, like I am conflicted with trying to convince myself that you love me, and I'm sure you do; so why don't I seem to know this?

Satisfaction in Christ

"The big secret is that Christians are supposed to be fully satisfied with Jesus, but many still harbour an unidentifiable emptiness or need. Their unwillingness to be truthful about their lack of satisfaction in the Christian life keeps them from asking the right questions; Why do I find the Christian life lacking? How can I be more satisfied?

Remember, Satan capitalizes on secrets! Secrecy always provides fertile ground for shame to grow. We grow more and more ashamed of ourselves for not being satisfied Christians. Because we won't ask the questions inside the circle of believers, the enemy tempts us to look outside for godless answers." - Beth Moore

5 Benefits God extends to His children (us)
- to know God and believe Him
- to glorify God
- to find satisfaction in God
- to experience God's peace
- to enjoy God's presence

(also Beth Moore)

1 John 4:13-15 (NIV)

 ¹³ This is how we know that we live in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit. ¹⁴ And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. ¹⁵ If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God.

2 Corinthians 3:17 (NIV)

¹⁷ Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

"Only the places we allow the love of God to fully penetrate will be satisfied and, therefore, liberated." - Beth Moore

Still Really Needs Improvement...

econ - while watching a video.. lights off. i decided to just sit comfortably, with my head on my desk (arm) and then close my eyes since i couldn’t really see the screen anyway (didnt wanna wear my glasses) and just listened for what they said to fill in the question sheet we got.  half way through the video, i am awakened by the sound of my teacher shouting my name. LOL. D=

physics - i loveeee my physics teacher - he is so good. he’s like …. awesome and stuff. i tried SO HARD not to fall asleep!!!!! he was talking about things that were pretty interesting, but i kept catching myself almost nodding asleep.. so hard to try and keep myself awake. ahhghh. maybe i need to eat to stay awake… and the lights were off too cauz he was showing some stuff on the projector. but still. when he turned the lights back on i was still struggling to stay awake.

tech - one of the rare times where we’re asked to sit in the middle of the room and watch him talk (we usually sit around the perimeter of the classroom, facing computer screens). he turned off the lights to show us how to use a new software on his projector. oh my goodness. 5 mins in i was already asleep… listening to the sound of his voice telling us what to do. i dont really need to see to know what to do. i dont think we even really needed a “tutorial” lol. by the way he was teaching it was just like a step by step thing. the best way to learn to use a software is to just experiment and explore it on your own. but i guess some people have different ways of learning. i felt so bad. i was sitting in the front row. lol. and i quickly opened my eyes when he said “it seems like some people are falling asleep… so i’m going to stop after this..”  >< hehe. but hes a cool teacher + cool class. just. really. hard to stay awake. i think learning with just listening is good enough for courses where you dont have to take notes. anyway. just rambling now.

if i were to grade myself on school...

- staying awake in class - FAIL . she is always falling asleep in class, even when the lights are on.

- taking notes - PASS . she will copy down almost all notes, and some important things that have been discussed in class.

- in class productivity - PASS (MINIMAL). Needs improvement. Although she does do some work in class, she has been seen doing non-school related tasks, such as washing her food containers, eating, watching tv shows and dramas, doodling, sleeping and chatting. It seems as though she will only work when there is no other choice, or if there is a test, quiz, or assignment coming up.

- attendance - PASS . satisfactory, needs to stop skipping classes that “aren’t doing anything anyway”

- being on time - FAIL . also needs to care about getting to class on time even if she wakes up late.

- extracurricular involvement - FAIL. she has only participated in one sporting event throughout the entire year. she is also only in one club, but her attendance there is also at a minimum.

- reading during DEAR - FAIL. she usually brings a book, but will be seen catching up on old homework, surfing the internet (manga is still reading), eating, or sleeping.

- class participation - PASS. she is usually quiet in most classes, but will speak up when needed, will ask questions, but participates well in french and english.

 - productivity during breaks - FAIL. lunch time is for a break from productivity anyway right? she has been eating, watching movies, singing, chatting, and floating a lot. she has only been productive about studying for tests, or quickly doing homework due after lunch. she has also done a lot of walking. so i hope that counts as productive…. physically! —> there is nothing wrong with this though, so i’m going to change this to PASS. =) she has been improving at finding fun things to do, but she needs to improve her social skills. can’t always be friends with outgoing people. gotta open up… to the right people… something like that.

- preparedness for class - PASS (minimal). everything she’ll need for the whole day is in her bag. she doesnt need to go to her locker but she will to put stuff down or just to kill time, grab something, or talk to friends. she doesn’t bring textbooks to class, but relies on someone around her to share with. this seems to work for her. all assignments are usually done, and she is usually just barely prepared for tests and quizzes.

exams coming soon… eek! time to fix some of this stuff =)

before they're back!

things to do this week:

- cook & eat everything that is going to expire soon (within the week) - COMPLETE
- take out the garbage tomorrow - COMPLETE
- do my devos
- do my homework... lots of weeks of work to catch up on.. - aiya.....
- stop procrastinating - struggling
- clean up the house/finish cleaning up the rooms
- take care of the dog
- take care of the plants
- go to sleep earlier. - struggling
- chem test on thurs - struggling
- econ quiz on wed - finally over...

Come near to God and He will come near to you

James 4:1-12

 ¹ What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? ² You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. ³ When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

 ⁴ You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. ⁵ Or do you think Scripture says without reason that he jealously longs for the spirit he has caused to dwell in us? ⁶ But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:

   “God opposes the proud
   but shows favor to the humble.”

 ⁷ Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. ⁸ Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. ⁹ Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. ¹⁰ Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

 ¹¹ Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. ¹² There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?
¹³ Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” ¹⁴ Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. ¹⁵ Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” ¹⁶ As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil. ¹⁷ If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.

Want to thank my brother in Christ for showing me verse 8, and for spending time with me in the middle of the day even though you could have totally just ditched me and left me to play and chill with buddies you're closer with. Thank you for taking the time to talk to me and want you to know that your efforts didn't go to waste - as tired and as out of it as i may have seemed at the time, i did remember this verse and i stored it in my memory bank. I just read the verse in context, with the rest of the chapter just now.. and there is so much in there that I can take from it. Love you lots!

^"8 Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded." - James 4:8

- http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=James+4&version=NIV

Change me on the inside

I long for freedom to live in the truth
I want to be more like You
But every time I try to bring about change
I only touch the visible me


There's only one way I'm really gonna change
Just like King David, I cry out to You
Create in me a clean heart
I've grieved You again, I need Your release
From patterns that keep me in sin


There's only one way I can finally break free


Change me on the inside


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vuOX9W9C9XI
- Brian Doersken

Entry #392

Sacrifices made for God are always worth it. When it comes to make a decision, to choose between one thing that really matters to me, or one thing that I really know God wants me to do - it's tough. It's the internal struggle that creates stress and turmoil within me. When I feel like I want both things, even though what I want is less important than what God wants, I have to learn to let go, and to trust that God will take care of the other thing. God is not a mean God, unjust, who just wants me to do His will like a robot. God wants me to be happy as well, and He wants to have a good relationship with me - He will not harm me. But when it comes down to making that choice, that could perhaps hurt another person if we choose God, it is so hard for me to take that step towards God. Sometimes I just have to trust that the other person will understand why I chose God, and not them, that God will provide another way, or something even better for me.

Today I had to make a choice. I had to choose between a family member and my spiritual family. As heartbreaking as it was for me to not be able to choose my family member, I was glad to serve, and to do my part as a part of the body of Christ. But God is good. God is so good, that He gave me what I wanted, and more. Not only was I given the honour to serve Him, but I also got to fulfill my other choice. In the end, I got both choices. It started out with one or the other, but when choosing God, even if it feels like you've sacrificed so much, He will give you back more, much more than you could ever hope for.


Father, I thank You so much for always answering my prayers and always caring for me. Thank you for listening and guiding me with my struggles, for dealing with my insecurities, for providing me with people that I can trust, rely on, and fellowship with, for putting people in my life that will encourage me, and thank You for what You did on the cross for me. Thank you for loving me, even though I am so unworthy, and thank you for not just providing for me, but for blessing me with exactly what I need, and for fulfilling all of Your promises even when I don't. God, you are so good, and you know me. I praise you for your wonderful works, and for being so GOOD and just. God, thank you for giving me your strength, and for teaching me, and being patient with me every step of the way. I pray that you will continue to work in me, and to help me see your works everywhere. Please help me to always choose you, because you are always the right choice. Help me to be like you, to love others, because Your love is amazing. Amen.

Even though I'm about to pass out from lack of sleep (40 hours straight) I feel like singing.
http://youtu.be/kIowkRFeF9w 

Matthew 6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.