I am stressed.
I think I gave myself too many things to do this term. I have this philosophy that it's all about time management and about brain power. If I think I can, then I can. If I put in the time to do it, then it will happen. If I plan my time wisely, then I can get things done. Anything is possible with discipline and effort.
But do I live by this philosophy? No. It is brutally difficult, and I've found myself sacrificing my sleep because I have slacked off when I should have been working. When I could have been working. I'm not sure which one to use.
I am tired. I have been sleeping late every night this week. I missed two classes already. I mix up my days. Even though I have this emailing system where I email myself tasks that I need to complete and I read them several times a day, marking them unread if I am unable to do them at the moment, I still find myself swamped with tasks to do.
I like being busy. I like having things to do, places to be; a sense of purpose.
But is that really what I need? Is that really what I should be doing? Is this something that God would look upon and approve?
Today in fellowship we studied John 10:1-21. This passage talks about how Jesus is the good shepherd and He looks after His sheep (John). His sheep are dependent on Him to lead them to find pasture. This passage also talks about how the sheep know His voice, and how they do not follow the voice of strangers (John). So sheep. I am a sheep in this passage. I need Jesus to lead me through life, my life depends on it - on Him.
I've been stressing over trying to plan out my undergraduate career. Where I should go for exchange, what courses I should take and when. What do I need to get an option so that I can graduate with something other than just the regular "Bachelor of Applied Sciences in Systems Design Engineering"? Could I get a minor instead? Could I do an International Experience Option? How can I make my degree special? And then I realized that I had been spending so much of my time trying to figure this out when I should have been working on my work term report. I should have finished it by now, but I am not. Planning out my undergraduate career is not a priority at the moment, even if I feel the need to figure out my life right now.
I have been doing things, but I have not been consulting God first. I spent so much time thinking, planning, trying to control my life, that I haven't even asked God if this is what He wanted for me. I have not been listening to His voice. Do I even know His voice? Even sheep know their shepherd and follow him. But I do not give the chance for my Shepherd to be heard. His voice drowns in the midst of my business.
I could not concentrate in my circuits course today. I was sitting near the back of the classroom with friends, but I was not talking to them. I was listening to the lecture the entire time, copying notes from the board, trying to grasp the concepts. The professor went through a sample problem and came to come calculations that I did not understand. I tried to figure it out on my own but I couldn't concentrate. At that moment, I felt that I needed absolute silence to think. I am usually very good at blocking out background chatter. Today I could not. I even approached him after the lecture ended to ask him to explain it to me again. Although it became a little clearer, I still was not 100% confident that I understood exactly what he was saying. I got very frustrated and did not want to bother the professor any more. I was sweating and feeling very uncomfortable with the fact that I had asked him the same thing several times, each time feeling like I should know this but I don't and my professor knows and probably thinks I didn't pay attention even though I did. This bothers me. I will have a look at it again tomorrow, after I've had some sleep. I asked my peers but it seemed like they didn't know either, nor did they seem to care. What do I do.
Although I felt like I was not really getting much from the Bible study in John today, it's funny how I came home and read it again and actually thought about it seriously.
I wish that there was someone I could talk to. I am an external processor so I am typing this out. But it would be nice to just be able to verbally express myself. The problem is that I don't know anyone who would want to listen. I don't know what I would want from them. Maybe it's my own ego that's getting in the way of me feeling how I should feel. Do you get that? I know how I should not be feeling so I suppress those feelings, but then I don't know how I should be feeling, so I have a bundle of confused crap and no place to get rid of it.
I wish I could hear Your voice. I want to know what it sounds like. I want to know what You have to say to me. Please speak.
I think I gave myself too many things to do this term. I have this philosophy that it's all about time management and about brain power. If I think I can, then I can. If I put in the time to do it, then it will happen. If I plan my time wisely, then I can get things done. Anything is possible with discipline and effort.
But do I live by this philosophy? No. It is brutally difficult, and I've found myself sacrificing my sleep because I have slacked off when I should have been working. When I could have been working. I'm not sure which one to use.
I am tired. I have been sleeping late every night this week. I missed two classes already. I mix up my days. Even though I have this emailing system where I email myself tasks that I need to complete and I read them several times a day, marking them unread if I am unable to do them at the moment, I still find myself swamped with tasks to do.
I like being busy. I like having things to do, places to be; a sense of purpose.
But is that really what I need? Is that really what I should be doing? Is this something that God would look upon and approve?
Today in fellowship we studied John 10:1-21. This passage talks about how Jesus is the good shepherd and He looks after His sheep (John). His sheep are dependent on Him to lead them to find pasture. This passage also talks about how the sheep know His voice, and how they do not follow the voice of strangers (John). So sheep. I am a sheep in this passage. I need Jesus to lead me through life, my life depends on it - on Him.
I've been stressing over trying to plan out my undergraduate career. Where I should go for exchange, what courses I should take and when. What do I need to get an option so that I can graduate with something other than just the regular "Bachelor of Applied Sciences in Systems Design Engineering"? Could I get a minor instead? Could I do an International Experience Option? How can I make my degree special? And then I realized that I had been spending so much of my time trying to figure this out when I should have been working on my work term report. I should have finished it by now, but I am not. Planning out my undergraduate career is not a priority at the moment, even if I feel the need to figure out my life right now.
I have been doing things, but I have not been consulting God first. I spent so much time thinking, planning, trying to control my life, that I haven't even asked God if this is what He wanted for me. I have not been listening to His voice. Do I even know His voice? Even sheep know their shepherd and follow him. But I do not give the chance for my Shepherd to be heard. His voice drowns in the midst of my business.
I could not concentrate in my circuits course today. I was sitting near the back of the classroom with friends, but I was not talking to them. I was listening to the lecture the entire time, copying notes from the board, trying to grasp the concepts. The professor went through a sample problem and came to come calculations that I did not understand. I tried to figure it out on my own but I couldn't concentrate. At that moment, I felt that I needed absolute silence to think. I am usually very good at blocking out background chatter. Today I could not. I even approached him after the lecture ended to ask him to explain it to me again. Although it became a little clearer, I still was not 100% confident that I understood exactly what he was saying. I got very frustrated and did not want to bother the professor any more. I was sweating and feeling very uncomfortable with the fact that I had asked him the same thing several times, each time feeling like I should know this but I don't and my professor knows and probably thinks I didn't pay attention even though I did. This bothers me. I will have a look at it again tomorrow, after I've had some sleep. I asked my peers but it seemed like they didn't know either, nor did they seem to care. What do I do.
Although I felt like I was not really getting much from the Bible study in John today, it's funny how I came home and read it again and actually thought about it seriously.
I wish that there was someone I could talk to. I am an external processor so I am typing this out. But it would be nice to just be able to verbally express myself. The problem is that I don't know anyone who would want to listen. I don't know what I would want from them. Maybe it's my own ego that's getting in the way of me feeling how I should feel. Do you get that? I know how I should not be feeling so I suppress those feelings, but then I don't know how I should be feeling, so I have a bundle of confused crap and no place to get rid of it.
I wish I could hear Your voice. I want to know what it sounds like. I want to know what You have to say to me. Please speak.
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