Too Late?

Let one thing slip by... and then there's no saving myself.

or is there?

I can't help but feel like I'm in a lower stature because I didn't defend myself. I should have. It would show that I have enough respect for myself, and this radiates a sense that I will not tolerate anything less from others.

So why did I let this happen already? One step too late. Why do I only learn after it has already happened once? Why can't I ever get it right the first time? Sometimes I'd just rather be alone.

It's because I wasn't sure of how I wanted to present myself, because I was afraid. But afraid of what? Why would it be wrong of me to defend myself? Am I offending or hurting anyone? No. This is how people make themselves targets. I was so caught up not reacting, thinking that people only say/do certain things to get a reaction from you that I didn't realize the implications of staying silent. That's where I was wrong. Staying silent doesn't get you any further than having a big reaction. All I had to do was say that I didn't appreciate it, or that I never want to hear those words again. I don't have to blow up. I don't have to bottle up my feelings. I don't have to take it. I don't know why I'm struggling with this at this point in my life.

Sometimes, staying silent means you agree. Or perhaps it was a test; to see how far my buttons can be pushed, or to see how confident I was in who I am. And I failed. And now they have lowered me in their minds, perceiving me as someone who doesn't care about themselves, someone who is afraid. Some people love it when they can make other people afraid, it makes them feel powerful, dominant. I have to know my worth and make it known that I know who I am. No more sitting on the sidelines, no more removing myself from the situation. It didn't help, and will not continue to. It's time to take action. To be somebody.

Is God telling me that I need to be more outspoken about things? Is He trying to teach me how to stand firm? How to love others when they are not exhibiting the same towards me? Perhaps this is just something that I've only struggled with at the back of my mind, and now He's bringing it into focus so I can deal with it and move on.

My Saviour My God

http://youtu.be/bdVqwbHCk9c  - Aaron Shust


I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
Stands one who is my Savior

I take Him at His word and deed
Christ died to save me; this I read
And in my heart I find a need
Of Him to be my savior

That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me
My God: He was, my God; He is
My God is always gonna be

Yes, living, dying, let me bring
My strength, my solace from this spring;
That He who lives to be my King
Once died to be my Savior

That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

My Prayer

Fresh page, new pen
Where do I begin
Words fail, tears come
I need someone
To take the thoughts I almost think
And carry them to God for me

Deep breath, exhale
Breathe in deeper still
Long sigh, I’m still numb
Is there anyone
Who can find the things I’m barely feeling
And give them wings beyond my ceiling?
Right heart, wrong place
It’s too far to outer space

Sorry, I forgot, You’re right here
I cup my hands around Your ear
I feel you smile, You feel my breath
You listen while I whisper non-sense

Simple exchange
Your will, I’m changed
And now my prayer ends
Thank You, Amen

- Chris Rice


note: for some reason, I can't seem to find a youtube version of this song...perhaps I will find a way to let this song be heard..

Dignity

Sometimes I feel like I don't react and stand up for myself. I'm the type of person that will try to laugh it off, or stay quiet when someone makes a remark or comment, usually in a negative way. I don't really care about what the comment was, or what was implied - which is why I don't say anything. But thinking back on it now, maybe I should have reacted. I shouldn't let people take advantage of the fact that I am generally more inclined to remain silent. People who say things or talk about me without any dignity, whether a joke or not is offensive and they should know that it isn't appreciated. I just need to get over trying to make everyone happy - because not everyone is happy if I'm not happy. I am a creation of God and should be treated with respect. Keeping silent is just letting others know that they can continue to walk all over me. I need to stop caring about what others think about me reacting to what they say, stop worrying that our friendship will be come tense - because if they really cared about me and were my friends, they would listen and realize that being friends doesn't mean you can treat each other without respect. If they disregarded my thoughts then perhaps I need to ask myself what I am doing with these people. It's funny how people are polite and considerate of those that they do not know, but start being less aware of how they act as they get to know each other.

Hot and Cold

It's been so long since I've last posted that I think I've forgotten what it feels like to post. Does that make sense? Perhaps, perhaps not. Lately I've been feeling so hot and cold with people, like I am struggling internally to figure out what I am doing with all these mixed feelings I have. I feel so awful when I realize that I have these negative thoughts popping up in my head which almost turn into actions. I have caught myself suddenly feeling angry with someone, and then saying something mean to them, or acting in ways that aren't consistent. I know this is not good. I think I'm experiencing something similar to this; eating the same pizza every day for every meal. It gets tiring, it makes you start feeling like you need a break, something different for a while, but pizza every now and then would be just fine. Maybe I've dived too deep into the relationships I've built, gotten to know them too quickly, absorbed myself into them too much... and now it's taking a toll on me. Or perhaps it is because of biases, or pre-misconceptions that have slowly been slipping into my thoughts, changing the way I feel ever so slightly that it has gone unnoticed until more recently. I have to make a decision. Do I want to continue living this way? Am I hurting anyone? What are some steps I can take to perhaps draw myself closer back to the surface, but not end up too close to shore?

God, why is it so hard to love people? How is it that You do it so well? Humans are such complex creatures, that I can only begin to understand my own thoughts. How do I love those that I interact with, and how do I not give in to anger, frustration, and hateful thoughts? Please help me to love, please show me the way... It is so easy to be patient and kind to those who I first meet, but why is it so hard to keep that after a long time? Am I just getting tired of caring, tired of putting in so much effort? What kind of friend even thinks like that?


Looking through the scripture from yesterday's sermon (which just happens to relate...), I feel like God has already planted the answers in my heart...

1 John 4:20-21
Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us the command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.


1 John 5:1-6
Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ is born of God, and everyone who loves the father loves his child as well. This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God. This is the one who came by water and blood - Jesus Christ. He did not come by water only, but by water and blood. And it is the Spirit who testifies, because the Spirit is the truth.

John 20:21-23
Jesus said, "Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you." And with that he breathed on them and said, " Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive anyone's sins, their sins are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven."