Called Me Higher

I went to my home church's high school retreat this weekend. I learned a new song - you can listen to it here.
What a peaceful weekend. Although I didn't get much physical rest, I got a good mental break and got to bond with my church family. I feel like I was encouraged by the Spirit to go out and live my life boldly for Christ.

Lyrics:

I could just sit
I could just sit and wait for all your goodness
Hope to feel your presence
And I could just stay
I could just stay right where I am and hope to feel you
Hope to feel something again

And I could hold on
I could hold on to who I am and never let You change me from the inside
And I could be safe
I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home
Never let these walls down

But you have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I will go where you will lead me Lord
You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I will go where you lead me Lord
Where you lead me
Where you lead me Lord
And I will be Yours
I will be Yours for all my life
So let Your mercy light the path before me

Health First

It's been a rough month. My life right now is as follows: wake up as early as I can (usually 10-2pm), go to campus, study all day, go home (2:30am), sleep (4am), repeat. It is not a great schedule.

However, I am going to say that I feel I am pretty on track for school. I have gotten most of the assignments done in the for the first two exams I have that are next week. In the midst of all of this studying, I realized that I have started to neglect my body and my health. I have been taking vitamins, trying to eat oatmeal for breakfast, drinking lots of water, and eating yogurt to try and stay as healthy as I can. But in reality, I have been eating out a lot (even Subway isn't the healthiest). I haven't been sleeping a lot either, or at regular times. Sometimes after I come home from studying on campus, it's 3am but I'm not tired. I shower and I continue studying until I realize that it's bright outside - that it's morning already when I'm about to sleep. This was bad. After I realized that it wasn't the artificial night lighting that was seeping into my room, I realized that I really needed to fix my sleeping schedule.

On top of that, this morning I was talking to my suitemate and he is a really healthy guy. I was talking to him about how I have been eating out because it takes me so long to get groceries and come back and etc, but he told me how he got his groceries done in less than an hour. He tried to help me think of what I could eat that was fresh and fast, and I really appreciate that he cares. So I am going to go grocery shopping after I write this. I am going to bring some fresh foods back to my classmates on campus too so they can be healthy.



I have been learning a lot about what it means to share my faith to my friends, my peers. I have been hanging out a lot with my program friends now, since we study together. They have started to take care of me by making sure that I get home safe every night, by seeing if I need food or coffee, and in return they ask me questions about homework and I try to help them out (since I usually end up learning it before they do - these guys are very last minute crammers). But it helps me to reinforce what I think I know, so it helps! There are also other smarter people who study there, so it's like a flow of knowledge. We go to the next level up when one of us doesn't know. One day after a rough week of handing in report after report and multiple projects, we couldn't study - we couldn't take it any more. So we played this new board game (new to me) called Citadels - it's really fun! I actually felt like throughout this time of studying, playing games, and encouraging each other when one of us breaks down and gets consumed by the fact that we think we're not going to make it.

I was talking to one of my classsmates/friends yesterday about how our other friend went home this weekend to see his family and how he's a family man and how he cares. I expressed how I hadn't been home in a really long time (almost 1 month) and then he said, " Do you just not care?" which really made me really sad as I didn't see that connection. I haven't seen my family in a really long time and it didn't really occur to me that it's been so long since I've been so caught up with all this school work. =( School sucks. I need to be more like my friend who cares more about family than school. I also think he can do it because he is super smart. But the fact that he's going at such a crucial time (exam time) is really something I respect.

Anyway - so about sharing my faith. A lot of my classmates have this image of Christians that make it difficult for me to think about how I can share my faith with them in a way that is different. I have this problem where I am scared that they will judge me - which I should not have because if I truly believe in God and that He is in control and that the lives of my friends are more important than how they see me - if this is true, then I should not care about how they may judge me and just do my best to share the Gospel with them. I have prayed for an opportunity to share, but I feel like it may have been insincere - I only pray it so I don't feel bad about not wanting to share. All in all I feel like that's what this whole term has been about. I have been reading Acts - and seeing how Paul and the other followers are so bold in their faith really makes me feel like I should be doing much better. Paul was so thoroughly persecuted and I am just afraid of a little judgement. Even from reading Acts 27 today, I can clearly see how God takes care of His people - Paul and some other prisoners were sailing for Rome and God promised Paul that all of them would make it to shore alive, despite the storm and shipwreck. At the end of the chapter, it says, "in this way everyone reached land in safety".

So if you are reading this, please pray for me that I might be bold in sharing my faith with others. Please pray that God will allow them to listen to me and that He may change how they see Christianity. Anyway, I hope to be able to post an update. I am going to get groceries now! YAY!! I haven't set foot in a grocery store in WAY TOO LONG (about 2-3 weeks). 

We'll Be Friends Forever

Today I had a conversation with my friend about what we think life will be like after we graduate. "Will we still see each other?" I asked. "We'll be friends forever" was the response. I was pleasantly surprised by her optimism. I can't believe that we're more than half way done our undergraduate career. 5 years seems like a long time, but it's actually passing by really quickly. It doesn't feel like we've been friends for 3 years already. I don't get tired of spending every day with my friends. You would have thought that I'd get sick of them by now. 4 months of seeing them every day and then 4 months of maybe one or two meet ups. Then the cycle starts over and repeats until we're done our 5 years.

I think back to the friendships I've had in the past. How many times have I thought to myself that we'd be friends forever? How many of those friendships am I still part of? My first best friend ever was when I was in kindergarten. She slept over at my house a lot because my parents baby sat her while her parents were busy at work. We were really young then, so that's as much as I can remember. My second best friend moved away in grade 2. She also came over to my house quite a bit and we gave each other gifts. I cried when she moved. My third best friend I met in grade 2. We were both standing by the edge of a fence that separates the pavement from the grassy field above. I didn't have any friends since my best friend had just moved. I saw her asked, "Hey, are you a loner?"  The funny thing about kids is that they're not afraid to speak what they think. She replied, "What's a loner?" ... and that was the start to a friendship that lasted strong until we both changed schools in grade 7. We still kept in touch, and I saw her every once in a while along with some of our other elementary school friends. But as the years passed, we hung out less and less, and eventually our interests differed so much that we lost touch.

I didn't want to make any new friends when I started in my junior high school. This was grade 7. I missed my best friend. We had a few friends who tried to keep in touch and still occasionally contact us. But it got harder once we didn't see each other 5 days a week. Eventually, I reluctantly made new friends at my new school. I was just too cool not to... Just kidding. I ended up floating around a few groups, so I wasn't ever really super tight with anyone, but I knew a lot of people.

In grade 8 my best friend and I had so many adventures together. We were both floaters, and we were both really different. But somehow, it worked. Perhaps it was because we both shared our relationship with Jesus. Perhaps it was because we experienced tough times and shared our vulnerabilities with each other and really cared for each other. We weren't just play buddies, we weren't just there to make each other feel less lonely. We actually loved and cared for each other as sisters in Christ. We stayed close friends throughout high school even though she changed schools multiple times. I guess by then we were old enough to take the bus on our own and hanging out after school was an option. We're the type of friends who can spend time apart and still be open and honest with each other when we catch up. It's as if time stops when we part. We are still friends.

I made another friend during my high school years that I still keep in contact with. She doesn't believe in Christ, but we've had lots of open conversations about love, life, and God. I think we understand each other in a way that we can both speak our thoughts and not be afraid of judgement.

After all the friends moving and after losing contact with so many people, I'm not sure at what point I realized that there is no such thing as friends forever. I may be wrong. I mean, there are still a few people I keep in touch with from before university. There are still some people I know I can always talk to and will want to catch up. I think there was a point in time where I realized that people won't always be there in your life. I haven't thought about this in a long time, but I think I still believe that God will put people in your life when you need them. Some people will walk with you for a long time, others will only walk with you for a few steps. The important thing is to cherish them while they are with you, and to enjoy every step of the way with them. 

The Light!!!

So I finally found it - the chords (and lyrics) to this song I sung at church a few months ago. I really liked it but I couldn't remember enough of the lyrics to find it on Google when I got home. Today, we sang it again and I made sure to remember more of the lyrics this time. It's called "Light Shine In" and it's sung by One Sonic Society in this video (Lyrics at the end of this post).

It's been a rough start to the term. So many changes, so many things happening all in one month. First - I should have taken a break between coop and school. That's one lesson learned. I need rest! I am only a student and nobody expects me to work extra. Second, I still have been getting these really bad hives at random times during the day but mostly occurring at night. I get them everywhere - sides, arms, feet, legs, neck, so far pretty much everywhere except my face. I don't know why or what's causing them. I don't know how to make it stop without taking some kind of allergy pill.. but I don't want to take too many. I saw a doctor and he told me to just take the allergy meds when it gets really bad but otherwise there's no point in getting an allergy test since I'll still be allergic and react to it. It's probably something in the air and I can't avoid it anyway. The only "cure" would be to get weekly allergy shots and that's not something I want or need for now anyway.

School is picking up. I have been studying and going to class WAY more regularly than I did ever before. Last term I studied every day for every moment of free time I had.. but this was only DURING and AFTER midterms. This term, things got really busy after the first week. On the bright side, I think I'm actually grasping things in these courses. I find that I can study better with just the textbook. The thing I always did wrong before was to not read the textbook and just rely on what I remember from class or from reading the solutions. This time, I read the textbook and my notes and make my own summary notes based on the questions I do (the summary notes I make every term). Sometimes it takes a really long time to get into the textbook. It's really boring and the equations scare me. The math is really tricky because I have to remember things from previous terms. I have a horrible memory so that doesn't help. The good thing is that I've actually started to enjoy doing the problems. It's weird because I actually understand what is going on now. I don't understand most things in class, but I can follow along with the math and absorb concepts the prof throws at me, but usually when I do the assignments I forget everything that happened. I need steps to guide me. After doing a few problems and looking at examples or solutions, I started to get a feel for the types of questions and how to manipulate the variables to get what I want. I think I'm really learning!!!!

I hope I'm not saying these things too prematurely as midterm week hasn't exactly happened yet (it's this week). In preparation for it, I made a study schedule and it seems like I am on track! For once, I feel like I can actually be "on top" of my courses! I used to go into exams knowing that I don't know stuff, but I really feel like I have a chance now to do better than just a pass. The grades I've been getting so far are not bad too!

I am even exercising more. I try to wake up early to do follow some pilates videos on youtube and it feels really good! It wakes me up and I feel stronger. I actually feel my muscles getting less tired and I am able to do the full workout for most of the videos now which makes me really happy because I used to stop a lot for breaks.

I'm still trying to go on exchange. There are a lot of things that I want to do. There are also a lot of things that I don't know about what I want to do. So that's the life of being an indecisive person. I also had a small breakdown last week when I realized that my club sucked and that people will leave because I'm not making it what it should be. But the good part is that my friend and vp was really supportive about it and helped me to push the club in a new (better) direction.

I am also reading one chapter a day for Mark! I was supposed to be following my Sunday School class that I had to leave (because of school) - they are going to read the Bible in a year! I started with them but I fell behind after going to school. I am trying to catch up now =)

Having a seeker's small group is interesting too. I started it with my friend and we both have friends who are interested in what Jesus Christ is all about. I am actually pleasantly surprised by how bold their questions are - "How do you become a Christian?", "What's the process?", "Why should I believe?" and even having some of my other non-Christian friends have started having conversations with me about faith and what it means to love your neighbour. It's actually really crazy because I'm starting to feel less awkward about sharing my faith with them.

On a side note, I almost had a meltdown today when I got home from studying because I was trying to make dinner but everything was so dirty or rotten and I was really grossed out and I wanted to cry. I know it sounds silly but I think I was just super stressed. After a long day of doing questions and finally understanding concepts, I wanted to come home to a nice warm meal and just relax a bit. But I ended up having to tip toe around nasty crusty counter-tops and re-wash anything that I wanted to use to cook or eat with. I also had to sort through the stuff in the fridge to finally get to what I wanted to cook and I realized that it had gone bad even though the expiry date is today and it was a completely sealed package. Then my feet started itching really badly while I was trying to cook in the dirty kitchen and it wouldn't stop and I was so hungry.

Breathing deeply really helps. I just told myself that I'm probably just in high-stress mode from preparing for midterm week that a lot of things are setting me off a bit more easily than they normally would (a dirty kitchen still upsets me though). I should really sleep earlier - I'm really bad. I think I'm a little bit of a workaholic...

Also some of my friends are being weird and I have no clue what to do about it. I also don't have the capacity to really reach out and see what's going on or if they even want that. So I think I'll just deal with what I have right now and if they need my help I will be there.

OK as promised, here are the lyrics to the song:
You can hear Vertical Church sing it too I have no clue who wrote it >< sorry..

Verse
Arise, for the light has come
Darkness bows down to the risen Son, the risen Son
Arise, raise your hands and sing
To the one God, to the one God

Chorus
You are, You are
The matchless King
Who tore down the gates of the enemy
Make way, make way
For Christ and sing
Let your kingdom come, Your kingdom come

Verse
Arise, for the battles won
Our hearts bow down
To the risen Son, the risen Son
Arise, raise your hands and sing
To the one God, to the one God

Bridge
Come let the light shine in
Come let the light shine in
We’ll let Your light shine in
We’ll let Your light shine in

This is What You Do

You bring people together.
You bring light and love to this world.
You fill me with joy.
You make me come alive.

I love this song, "This is What You Do" by Bethel Music. I was introduced to it by my roommate who was practicing praise with his praise team for his fellowship a few weeks ago. I joined in and learned a new song!

We sang this song to end off praise night this week and it was such a great song to end with. It definitely brought out a spirit of joyfulness when we sang this.

Lyrics:

It's always like springtime with You, making all things new
Your light is breaking through the dark
This love it is sweeter than wine
Bringing joy, bringing life
Your hope is rising like the dawn

This is what You do, this is what You do
You make me come alive
This is what You do, this is what You do
You make me come alive
This is what You do, this is what You do
You make me come alive
This is what You do, this is what You do
You make me come alive, You make me come alive
You make me come alive, You make me come alive

It's like I'm living for the first time
Finally living for the first time

It's Me

I keep doing things that upset other people then it upsets me.

Maybe I am still living my life wrong,
Caring about the wrong things,
Forgetting who I am,
Always thinking about who I need to be,
How I need to change.

But I do need to change,
To stop looking down on myself,
To take what people say lightly,
And not personally.
Maybe I just need to recuperate.

I feel like I'm not getting along with some people. Maybe I am just making it up and it's just me. It could just be stress. I am doing too much. I need to stop. I need to stop perceiving other people a certain way. Stop assuming I know them when maybe I really don't. Stop sleeping so late and thinking so much. I need to rest. I need to stop getting allergic/stress reactions. Pause. If I can't even make it through this without stressing out then there is something wrong. I need to prioritize. I need to time manage. I need to just do what needs to be done and let other people do what I do not need to do. I am not the solution. I cannot solve everyone's problems. That is not my job. My job is to sleep right now. Goodnight.

Something On My Own

Today after my friend dropped me off at home (after church and lunch), the house was empty so I decided to dig up my (barely worn) roller blades and get some exercise & fresh air. I decided to skate to the neighborhood park to enjoy the scenery in  a car-free space. Anyway, I followed a trail that goes around the park behind an elderly man who was on a mid-day stroll. I never caught up to him even though he was barely three meters ahead of me to begin with. He glanced back a few times and as we went uphill, I fell further behind but as we went downhill, I veered closer. There was one point on the trail where it was significantly steeper going downhill. As I was about to go down, I heard the squealing of tires and a loud "PAKK" sound. I looked ahead and downward. A car had swerved and driven right into a "No Parking" sign just at the park entrance. After checking it out to see if it was safe for me to continue, I went. I sped up really quickly going downhill but I knew I didn't really know how to stop so  I decided to fall. It was a controlled fall, where I landed on my buttocks with my arms not touching the ground. I bent low before falling so that the impact would be lessened. After I fell, the man turned around and came over as he saw me on the ground. He held out his hands towards me to help me get up. I was a little embarrassed so I just spat out, "Hi sorry - I'm not very good at this! Just trying something out..." and he said, "That's OK! At least you weren't like them!" while pointing at the car. We laughed and then I thanked him for helping me and he said, " I can't even skate!"

What a nice man. I guess this term has been pretty quiet for me in terms of the number of meet-ups and social interactions I have. It would have been nice to do things like this with someone else but I thought about it honestly and if I only let myself do activities when I'm with a friend then I would probably never do a lot of things. Sometimes you just have to do things on your own.