First and the Last

New song I learned for praise this week: 
http://youtu.be/hVlPoozmyzw

You are the first and the last
Beginning and the end
The promise of wonders to come
The future is in your hands
Caught in the light
With all the earth we will sing

You are the author of love
Our freedom is in your name
Embracing the cross meant for us
And bought us to life again
Caught in the love
With all we are let us sing

God our hope
And our salvation
Worthy of all the praise
Be our light everlasting
Great is your name
Jesus the first and the last

Show us the way of your love
Lead us toward the truth
Stir up the fire in us
To live out this life for you
Caught in your name
Jesus forever we'll sing

Every heart
Every nation will hear the sound
As your light breaks through the darkness
And your name rings out
Every distant horizon will meet as one
Singing holy is your name
We sing holy is your name

- Hillsong

Friends from a distance, or distant friends?

When it has been such a long period of time since you have last spoken or met up with someone who you were once close to, it is both a time filled with joy and sadness - for me anyway.

For me, I see them and I am happy to see that they are doing well, and that they have learned and grown so much since the last time I saw them. But I am also filled with a twinge of sadness because I feel like I am unable to reconnect with them in such a way that leaves both of us feeling satisfied and reaffirmed in our friendship.

I want to share with them about the many changes in my life since that time we said our goodbyes. I want to watch their eyes light up when they tell me of their exciting journeys and adventures they have had. I want to know all about where they are headed now, and how God has been working through them. I want to tell them about what God has also been doing in my life; to share our stories and to grow together. I want to be able to confidently tell myself that we are still friends because of the time we spent catching each other up.

But I couldn't think of a thoughtful, meaningful thing to say when I saw them. It was only for a short period of time, which is why I was reluctant to say too much. Instead, I'm the type of person that will end up doing small talk - which also bugs me because why, why would I do small talk when there was so much more depth to our relationship, so many more meaningful things I could have said? But then I keep thinking to myself that I wouldn't be able to finish catching them up anyway, or I wouldn't have time to let them catch me up either, so what was the point?????  I guess the satisfaction of just being able to see their faces already makes me happier, but then when I leave again, I think back and realize that we barely exchanged any meaningful words, and there was basically no point to our short meeting.

I am the kind of person who needs to meet up, sit down, and talk. I need that one on one, or two on one time with just those people, to be able to fully engage myself in conversation and deep thought. But time is hard to find, especially the more people there are. I just wish that I could have conveyed that I still care and want to become close to them again, despite the physical distance and time barriers.

On the bright side, I did get to spend time with one of my closest friends this time, and I am so glad that the timing worked out. I can only continue to pray for God to look after my friends and then keep waiting for an opportunity to meet up with my dear friends so that we can share in what we've been up to!

Too Late?

Let one thing slip by... and then there's no saving myself.

or is there?

I can't help but feel like I'm in a lower stature because I didn't defend myself. I should have. It would show that I have enough respect for myself, and this radiates a sense that I will not tolerate anything less from others.

So why did I let this happen already? One step too late. Why do I only learn after it has already happened once? Why can't I ever get it right the first time? Sometimes I'd just rather be alone.

It's because I wasn't sure of how I wanted to present myself, because I was afraid. But afraid of what? Why would it be wrong of me to defend myself? Am I offending or hurting anyone? No. This is how people make themselves targets. I was so caught up not reacting, thinking that people only say/do certain things to get a reaction from you that I didn't realize the implications of staying silent. That's where I was wrong. Staying silent doesn't get you any further than having a big reaction. All I had to do was say that I didn't appreciate it, or that I never want to hear those words again. I don't have to blow up. I don't have to bottle up my feelings. I don't have to take it. I don't know why I'm struggling with this at this point in my life.

Sometimes, staying silent means you agree. Or perhaps it was a test; to see how far my buttons can be pushed, or to see how confident I was in who I am. And I failed. And now they have lowered me in their minds, perceiving me as someone who doesn't care about themselves, someone who is afraid. Some people love it when they can make other people afraid, it makes them feel powerful, dominant. I have to know my worth and make it known that I know who I am. No more sitting on the sidelines, no more removing myself from the situation. It didn't help, and will not continue to. It's time to take action. To be somebody.

Is God telling me that I need to be more outspoken about things? Is He trying to teach me how to stand firm? How to love others when they are not exhibiting the same towards me? Perhaps this is just something that I've only struggled with at the back of my mind, and now He's bringing it into focus so I can deal with it and move on.

My Saviour My God

http://youtu.be/bdVqwbHCk9c  - Aaron Shust


I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
Stands one who is my Savior

I take Him at His word and deed
Christ died to save me; this I read
And in my heart I find a need
Of Him to be my savior

That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me
My God: He was, my God; He is
My God is always gonna be

Yes, living, dying, let me bring
My strength, my solace from this spring;
That He who lives to be my King
Once died to be my Savior

That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

My Prayer

Fresh page, new pen
Where do I begin
Words fail, tears come
I need someone
To take the thoughts I almost think
And carry them to God for me

Deep breath, exhale
Breathe in deeper still
Long sigh, I’m still numb
Is there anyone
Who can find the things I’m barely feeling
And give them wings beyond my ceiling?
Right heart, wrong place
It’s too far to outer space

Sorry, I forgot, You’re right here
I cup my hands around Your ear
I feel you smile, You feel my breath
You listen while I whisper non-sense

Simple exchange
Your will, I’m changed
And now my prayer ends
Thank You, Amen

- Chris Rice


note: for some reason, I can't seem to find a youtube version of this song...perhaps I will find a way to let this song be heard..

Dignity

Sometimes I feel like I don't react and stand up for myself. I'm the type of person that will try to laugh it off, or stay quiet when someone makes a remark or comment, usually in a negative way. I don't really care about what the comment was, or what was implied - which is why I don't say anything. But thinking back on it now, maybe I should have reacted. I shouldn't let people take advantage of the fact that I am generally more inclined to remain silent. People who say things or talk about me without any dignity, whether a joke or not is offensive and they should know that it isn't appreciated. I just need to get over trying to make everyone happy - because not everyone is happy if I'm not happy. I am a creation of God and should be treated with respect. Keeping silent is just letting others know that they can continue to walk all over me. I need to stop caring about what others think about me reacting to what they say, stop worrying that our friendship will be come tense - because if they really cared about me and were my friends, they would listen and realize that being friends doesn't mean you can treat each other without respect. If they disregarded my thoughts then perhaps I need to ask myself what I am doing with these people. It's funny how people are polite and considerate of those that they do not know, but start being less aware of how they act as they get to know each other.

Hot and Cold

It's been so long since I've last posted that I think I've forgotten what it feels like to post. Does that make sense? Perhaps, perhaps not. Lately I've been feeling so hot and cold with people, like I am struggling internally to figure out what I am doing with all these mixed feelings I have. I feel so awful when I realize that I have these negative thoughts popping up in my head which almost turn into actions. I have caught myself suddenly feeling angry with someone, and then saying something mean to them, or acting in ways that aren't consistent. I know this is not good. I think I'm experiencing something similar to this; eating the same pizza every day for every meal. It gets tiring, it makes you start feeling like you need a break, something different for a while, but pizza every now and then would be just fine. Maybe I've dived too deep into the relationships I've built, gotten to know them too quickly, absorbed myself into them too much... and now it's taking a toll on me. Or perhaps it is because of biases, or pre-misconceptions that have slowly been slipping into my thoughts, changing the way I feel ever so slightly that it has gone unnoticed until more recently. I have to make a decision. Do I want to continue living this way? Am I hurting anyone? What are some steps I can take to perhaps draw myself closer back to the surface, but not end up too close to shore?

God, why is it so hard to love people? How is it that You do it so well? Humans are such complex creatures, that I can only begin to understand my own thoughts. How do I love those that I interact with, and how do I not give in to anger, frustration, and hateful thoughts? Please help me to love, please show me the way... It is so easy to be patient and kind to those who I first meet, but why is it so hard to keep that after a long time? Am I just getting tired of caring, tired of putting in so much effort? What kind of friend even thinks like that?


Looking through the scripture from yesterday's sermon (which just happens to relate...), I feel like God has already planted the answers in my heart...

1 John 4:20-21
Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us the command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.


1 John 5:1-6
Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ is born of God, and everyone who loves the father loves his child as well. This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God. This is the one who came by water and blood - Jesus Christ. He did not come by water only, but by water and blood. And it is the Spirit who testifies, because the Spirit is the truth.

John 20:21-23
Jesus said, "Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you." And with that he breathed on them and said, " Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive anyone's sins, their sins are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven."